Parents eve with ex and his attitude in general.

[dangermouseisace]

I went to my eldest’s parents evening today. He goes to a selective school. All his teachers were positive. According to them he works hard, contributes, achieves far above expectations, and is a conscientious, sensible student.

There were only a couple of really tiny minor negative points. My son was there with us when they were discussed and agreed with the teachers and knows what he has to do. I have no doubt he will do what he’s been asked.

We had to hurry away at the end due to needing to be somewhere else. I did a quick “I’m so proud of you, well done” to my son then walked ahead with my younger 2. Ex was behind with my son. Basically ex had a big monologue rant about all the things my DS “should” be doing including some fairly ridiculous stipulations, and it was just all so negative. I should have confronted him but didn’t think quickly enough and he was gone.

When we got in the car I said “he does go on” and explained that I didn’t agree with what his father had just said, I was thrilled he was doing so well and felt that rant was uneccessary.

I keep hearing from my kids that they are being shouted at and sworn at by their father when they stay at his, or are told to stay out of the way/be quiet, or are shouted at because he’s “been at work all week and needs to rest” which they rightly say, is not their fault. They’re at the age they can express an opinion, and I have asked them if they still want to go to his, or to maybe go less often and they say they still want to see him.

I’m concerned about the impact he’s having on the kids though. I’ve not spoken to him about this incident yet. Talking to him/even writing is difficult as he is a pathological liar...literally lies when there is no actual need to, Luke he’s completely incapable of being honest about anything. He knows my views on parenting (which we were meant to share at one point) he’s read some of the books I had on positive parenting so it’s not like he’s acting this way due to ignorance. I’m concerned that bringing his attitude up with him could make it more difficult for my children in the long run rather than improve the situation.

I just don’t know how to go about improving this situation.

How old are all your children? And is the contact court ordered? If my children were telling me that their Father was shouting and swearing at them during a contact, they would not be going again.

If they're all older...11 plus, then they could easily stop going if there's no court order in place. You can't improve situations if other people are the cause of them...

They are 8,11 and 12. There is no court order. Occasionally he threatens to take me to court for custody though, which is nice.

Problem is the kids say they want to see him though. I asked why, if he was treating them like that and first comment was that “it would make him sad” but then they said they want to see him. I can’t see how it’s benefiting them though. If they said they didn’t want to see him the situation would be more straightforwards.

Yes, they have been taken in by an abuser basically. This is the tragedy of abusive parents. Their children naturally love them...continue to assert that they are wonderful, clever and good human beings and explain that his mind is somewhat damaged by perhaps his own childhood.

Speak to them about the way he is...and give them strategies to deal with it effectively. Consider family counselling for you and for them together.

Thanks for your reply hennypenny that’s kind of what I was thinking. I’m think I’m going to make an appt to see the school family support worker to see if she can offer any words/tactics of wisdom (she is great).