Ex partner changing child's clothing

[JoJo2106]

Just wondering if anyone else's ex changes their child's clothing into stuff they've bought rather than what you have packed for them? It is pissing me off.

Ds is 17 months old. He has just started staying overnights with his dad. There was no contact between them for 8 months due to an incident at my home involving my ex. Contact is now court ordered. We have no contact whatsoever now and is all done via a communication book.

Anyway I pack lovely, good quality clothes and shoes that have been properly measured for his feet for ds to wear the following day, but I have just been shown a photograph of ds by a friend of mine on social media of him in massively oversized clothing and shoes and there is no sight of what i put in for him to wear although he did return home last night in them. The huge shoes would also explain ds's red and sore big toe he now has. He just looks a complete mess in the photo. Looks like he's been dragged through a hedge. He is also full of cold and has a bad cough and my ex has only put a thin hoodie on him while outdoors.

I may be overreacting but it has seriously pissed me off. What is wrong with the clothes I put in? They are so much smarter and at least they fit him. Why put him.in one set of clothes only to have to change him again to bring him home in what I had put in. And his poor feet

Anyone else's ex do this??

Oh you're a stepmom.
Oh you must be right then. I must send a couple of big bags of clothes to my exes house once a year to control him then.
Not because I'm providing for my child and making sure he has what he needs.

It's a nice thing to do. I don't have a gun to his head telling him what he needs to wear. But I also know my child is provided for and won't go without essential clothing in the right size.

Usually when you point your finger, there are three pointing right back at you. And I'd say that by calling random mums on the internet you don't know "bitter, weird and controlling" because don't feel great seeing men who have beaten them up, take warm well fitting clothes off their children just because they don't fancy letting them keep their own clothes on, is actually pretty bloody bitter. But each to their own.

I'll go on watching my child grow, being adult and providing for my child. And you moan about your scruffy stepchildren and demonize women asking for a bit of real life advice.

It's world book day next week. If anybody is stuck for a costume there's that little green thing that lurks under the bridges.

Also the £200 has fuck all to do with "style" which shows how much you missed the mark.

I didn't order a big bag of branded or snazzy looking clothes. I ordered basics and lots of them.

£200 from next which has fuck all to do with style and a lot to do with the fact that a year down the line it still looks brand new no matter how much it's washed.

£200 that bought me multipacks of leggings
Multipacks of long sleeved tops
Multipacks of boxer shorts ++++ as we were potty training at the time
Multipacks of socks
Shoes
Jackets
Jumper
Coat
Pyjamas.

That's not snobbery that's taking the hit as a parent, ordering everything your child will need and having it delivered all in one go.

My dp goes shopping with me and picks out clothes for our lo, sometimes he's gets him dress and it doesn't match. Why does he care because he wants to be part of his sons life, no different if he's rp or nrp some df want to dress they dc.
I had to send my ds's clothes because they df didn't provide anything but a football top that was old and stained, one ds actually wore it home once and the ex asked for me to return it ASAP , I wanted to bin it but didn't because my ds sadly like that his df got it for him.

It's very normal for a df to want to dress, bath and put their dc to sleep. They might not, may not do it like you and that's the part you need to deal with.
Your dc doesn't understand your dislike for him now but they will if you carry on nip picking.

It's not the norm and people who are sneering at you for wondering are just being mumsnetters.

Clothing does seem to be an issue with dads, though. My ex didn't like my dd's clothes, so one access day I had them all hung around the living room so he could choose what she wore. It was the eighties, so he bought her a fluorescent pink shell suit instead...

God I didn't realise when I posted this thread last night it was gonna kick off 🙉

Yes clothing seems to be a big issue on both side and I didn't realise how much til I read all the replies. As someone said further up who is a step mother she changes her step children as soon as they get to her house.

I honestly just assumed I would pack a bag of clothes and that would be that. How wrong was i.

If my ex wants ds to look that bad when he has him then I guess it's on him. But I honestly think it's ridiculous to have to change him from one set of clothes into another when they are perfectly lovely clothes that are good quality, they fit and are well matched etc into a set of creased massively oversized scruffy set of clothes to the point you can't see ds's hands cos the sleeves are that long. He didn't even have the common sense to roll the sleeves up ffs.

Whata complete and utter farce for the child constantly getting dressed then undressed into different stuff just cod they are with the dad.

That's my opinion.

You're overreacting. Why shouldn't he change him into clothes he bought for him? My DC regularly go to my aunt's. She buys clothes for them to wear there. It saves taking clothes every time.

Clothes are such a funny one.

I used to pack a bag to send with my DD to her dad's house, but stuff just didn't come back. I wasn't well off enough at the time to lose coats or shoes etc so I collected a basic wardrobe from second hand shops and jumble sales, kept it packed, and sent that with her every time instead. That led to complaints from ex and his bloody mother that I "dressed her in rags" - no, I dressed her in clothing appropriate for what she was doing. So, if she was going to her dad's house, she would wear basically disposable clothing (still weather appropriate obviously) that I was happy to say goodbye to!

Because they look like they were bought from a charity shop. They dont fit and the shoes looked like boats on him and he now has red sore feet. I get his shoes from Clark's where they are measured for size aswell as width. And he has chose to take them off him to put ill fitting ones on him.

mangolover Got to admit, your post did seem way ott and crazy. Not really normal to a) make the nursery pass on bags of clothing and b) order clothes direct to their house. If I were your ex, I would have sent them all back.

Because they look like they were bought from a charity shop.

Whats wrong with that? charity shop clothes can look perfectly decent and are far more cost effective for growing kids especially if he only sees the child every other weekend or whatever. You sound very precious and snobby.

Whata complete and utter farce for the child constantly getting dressed then undressed into different stuff just cod they are with the dad.

Fwiw I do think it's odd and a waste of time doing excessive changes of clothes. I just don't think it's with the energy you seem to be putting in to be upset about it. You will likely have many battles with this man in the future over many important things about your child; whether or not he is in clothing that you approve of, needn't be one of them, IMO. With the exception of the shoes, which I presume a short factual note in the day book will either sort or won't.

" My ex does/ did this. Very similar circumstances. Court ordered contact after DV & no contact for a while. He was about 9months old when it started. It's never been any different.

Fuck knows why they do it? To try and bond? Because family have bought clothes they want to use? Who knows? "

Of course they want to bond with their own children. They want to be part of their kids lives. Is that a bad thing? Should they just give up and let their ex do all the parenting?

He is 17 month old a pre verbal toddler, I don't think he would understand about it all.anyway even if I was discussing it in front of him.

Children understand way more than they can vocalise themselves. I'm pleased you don't discuss it in front of him, but please don't think it wouldn't matter if you did!

Most separated parents have their own "wardrobes" for their children if spending whole weekends or 50/50. It's not necessary for single over nights I wouldn't say but at the same time dad's well within his rights to dress his child in clothes he chooses.

I would go and get feet measured and share the result with Ex in the book though
"I've noticed child's toes were red and bothering him so we got measured, he's a size XX now, just wanted to let you know so you can make sure anything you have still fits too"

Because they look like they were bought from a charity shop

You do realise clothes from charity shops are just normal clothes dont you?

I think the issue here is you think youre better than him. Your clothes are better than his and youre pissy because this man is being allowed to parent his child and you dont like it.

Stop looking at his facebook and live your own life. Youll have plenty of time to dress ds yourself im sure.

I don't know much about threads and replying after over a year, but I want to let you know that this post made me feel not alone and my heartfelt sympathy to the mother here. I have experienced this too. I think some of the harsh comments lack understanding. A child is a mothers pride and joy and nurturing a child goes beyond food and shelter. Affordable and proper fitting childrens clothes are really not hard to come by. If a parent does not want the other parents sound fashion advice they can find ways to make sure clothes and shoes fit through stores and on the Internet. I think its a fail for people to comment and not realize how badly a child can get hurt not wearing the right fitting clothes. Trips and falls can happen down stairs and lead to goose eggs and worse. We live in very modern times. No child should be without comfortable and properly fitting clothing. I just don't see any excuse unless the parent does not put the child first and really could care less about that child's comfort and photos the child will look back on as an adult. I am sorry what seems to be a petty issue to some, is a real struggle in your life, and just annoying to not be able to reason with the other parent. You can only control you and your time with the child. Your child will remember their experince and how each parent makes them feel all around.

Yep! I totally relate to this! My ex will always change our little boy.. even when he's just picking him up for the day. It doesn't bother me so much when it's an overnight... but when I've battled to get him dressed it he morning for his dad to take him for a few hours and for him to then come home filthy and in clothes that are far too small for him.. it drives me insane!
He's come home with no socks on, no under pants, no coat, short sleeves in cold weather.... it's horrible. He's my pride and joy and I hate seeing him like that :(
But there's not much I can do other then complain about it to my mum and dress him warmly and well when he's home!
I hate this shared parenting business :(

Put it this way at least he buys clothes.

He just wants to experience dressing up his child, in the scheme of things, it’s pretty harmless.

I agree with what you're saying. Just a thought on why she now sends with scruffy clothes and no spares.. probably if she knows they are just going to change straight away anyway why use the good clothes up and why faff around packing spares if you have plenty of clothes at your house? Maybe just practical reasons for those things!

@icouldwriteabook

58FreesiaFairy

I agree with what you're saying. Just a thought on why she now sends with scruffy clothes and no spares.. probably if she knows they are just going to change straight away anyway why use the good clothes up and why faff around packing spares if you have plenty of clothes at your house? Maybe just practical reasons for those things rather than mind games