Ex partner changing child's clothing

[JoJo2106]

Just wondering if anyone else's ex changes their child's clothing into stuff they've bought rather than what you have packed for them? It is pissing me off.

Ds is 17 months old. He has just started staying overnights with his dad. There was no contact between them for 8 months due to an incident at my home involving my ex. Contact is now court ordered. We have no contact whatsoever now and is all done via a communication book.

Anyway I pack lovely, good quality clothes and shoes that have been properly measured for his feet for ds to wear the following day, but I have just been shown a photograph of ds by a friend of mine on social media of him in massively oversized clothing and shoes and there is no sight of what i put in for him to wear although he did return home last night in them. The huge shoes would also explain ds's red and sore big toe he now has. He just looks a complete mess in the photo. Looks like he's been dragged through a hedge. He is also full of cold and has a bad cough and my ex has only put a thin hoodie on him while outdoors.

I may be overreacting but it has seriously pissed me off. What is wrong with the clothes I put in? They are so much smarter and at least they fit him. Why put him.in one set of clothes only to have to change him again to bring him home in what I had put in. And his poor feet

Anyone else's ex do this??

Yes, You’re overreacting (apart from ill fitting shoes which you need to address). You don’t het to dictate what your ex dresses his child in during his contact time, just like he doesn’t get to dictate to you what the child wears when he is with you. The father is allowed to buy his child clothes and see him wearing them.

Because as a parent he has a right to buy his child clothes and put them on him? Ok, so they don't fit your standards but ffs what is the harm? The baby not looking as good as he does when you dress him, apparently, has nothing to do with it!

If the shoes have caused problems then you could say something but that's about it. And I struggle to see how shoes that are two big cause sore red big toes - its shoes that are too small that usually do that

Maybe the DS messed up the clothes that you put in the bag? Or maybe Ex was worried what would happen if they got ruined? Covered in food? sick? chocolate? Poo?

*too not two. Night shift 😯

If your ex sent your DS home with enough clothes he’d bought to last him until the next time he had contact would you dress him in the clothes your DP provided, or in clothes you’d picked out and chosen yourself?

Your Ex and his side of the family will want to choose and buy clothes for your DS just as you do, it’s possible some of those clothes were bought by other family members (Eg: grandparents) and that your ex wanted to be able to show them photos of him in them as a thank you. That might also be why they don’t fit perfectly if they were bought with room to grow.

Obviously if there is a problem which could have a negative impact such as the shoes being ill-fitting you need to raise that, but you are being unreasonable about the rest of the clothes. It has been warm across the country today so a hoodie should have been fine. The clothes might not be to your style but as the other parent your ex is free to choose what to dress him in during his contact time just as you do in yours.

I just felt he looked scruffy and dirty. You couldn't even see his hands either as the sleeves were far too long. Well yes his toe is very red and he keeps touching it, clearly been rubbing off the shoe. I just wanted some opinions to see if this is the norm that's all as this is my first time doing this and been apart from ds. I just assumed he'd put him in what I had packed for him. This was yesterday not today when it wasn't as warm where we are.

My ex does/ did this. Very similar circumstances. Court ordered contact after DV & no contact for a while. He was about 9months old when it started. It's never been any different.

Fuck knows why they do it? To try and bond? Because family have bought clothes they want to use? Who knows? I have been in the same position and seen pics on social media and seen how awful he looked and how the shoes were the wrong size and the clothes were always shite and too big or too small.

I've tried shaming him by sending him in really nice things, a couple of times when he was in nursery I ordered £200 worth of next clothes and got them delivered, handed the unopened bags to nursery and asked them to pass the parcels to dad so he had clothes at dads. I've ordered nice clothes and had delivered to his house. It doesn't change a thing.

What I would say though is pick your battles. And this is something that In the grand scheme of things isn't really important. My son is nearly 6 now, it's not effected him in any way shape or form.

Does he look a bit of a twat when he's with his dad sometimes? Yes! But it's getting less and he's able to choose what he wears more now, and I've learned just not to care. By not choosing to make a big deal of it he's otherwise thriving and things are going well so it doesn't bother me anymore.

Please please find something else in your life to focus on. People are dying, life is so short. They are literally pieces of material you’re investing so much thought on.

My DP’s ex would send both kids with designer clothes still with tags and prices on. Along with ‘your CSA money pays my mortgage’ and would often leave receipts for designer handbags in their over night bag. All a pathetic attempt to annoy us. Doesn’t work.

We have separate clothes for them at our house and they change as soon as they walk through the door, it isn’t abnormal and they come in and get undressed themselves. We have different clothes taste, and we enjoy them wearing their clothes from our house when they’re with us. It also means she can’t ever moan about stains, rips or damage, which does generally come with children and playing. If he came back to you with his ‘nice clothes’ ripped from playing in the park, no doubt his dad would be to blame.

She now sends kids in scruffy clothes with no spare clothes to go back in. All again, to do with mind games.

The children always suffer. No doubt your son has already heard you slag his dads choice of clothing off to your friends, family etc. They hear every word please remember that.

His dad has bought him some slightly big clothing to fit to his taste. When he is with his dad you have no say over what he is dressed in. Please remember it takes 2 to make a baby, you don’t have any more ‘rights’ to his wardrobe than his dad. Your son is not a toy to be dressed up, he is 2 people’s child, and the other person has a day too.

I hate the entitlement of mothers after a breakup. If he is fit to see his child, he is fit to dress him.

Big shoes don’t cause sore toes, small shoes do.

His dad is trying to be a dad, Atleast he’s had the hindsight to buy him some clothes for his contact time, if he stayed in ‘your’ clothes all the time you’d moan he isn’t arsed or doesn’t make an effort.

Why don’t you concentrate on something else , get a hobby etc. Stop trying to control everything, it will backfire on you one day.

a couple of times when he was in nursery I ordered £200 worth of next clothes and got them delivered, handed the unopened bags to nursery and asked them to pass the parcels to dad so he had clothes at dads. I've ordered nice clothes and had delivered to his house.

massively controlling!

@mangolover sounds very similar to my situation with the dv etc. I understand what you mean about pick your battles cos I could write a list lol. Worst bit is we don't meet or communicate in any way it's all done thru this bloody book so I don't want to get into arguing in a book either. I guess I will just have to accept it. I just can't understand how he can't look at the 2 sets of clothes and realise what would look better. Ds looked like some kind of orphan street child am not even joking. I hope people on his Facebook don't think I have sent him in them clothes lol.

Mangolover

What a weird and controlling woman you were

I would say are, but carrying on down your post you explained you learnt to pick your battles and stopped caring, and this is where I’m guessing you ‘moved on’, got over the breakup, the jealousy or bitterness ended and you stopped giving his dad such a hard life. Probably why your son is now older and unaffected, because you stopped when it was crucial to stop.

Hopefully the silly OP will do the same.

Bonkers both of you

No I fully understand where you're coming from.
It used to wind me up so much that my gorgeous little baby who always looked perfect ended up out and about looking like he had been dragged through a hedge but it kind of just becomes easier to manage.
We were the same. Very strained contact through a communication book, too many issues. It's such a stressful situation to be in but it does calm down as they get older and I think the main reason it has has been picking the right battles, and learning not to care. It's taken a long time and so easy to say when time as a healer is impossible when you need it the most. But it did just settle more and more over time.

I wouldn't call it bonkers to want to see your child dressed nicely and at least look like they've had a wash. I simply asked for some opinions as this is alien to me doing all this as he has onky started staying overnight an I just assumed I packed a bag of clothes for ds to wear.

Stop caring about what your 17 month old looks like when he's not with you! Stop it. He's a young child, nobody else cares. Kids get grubby and dirty and scruffy and have to grow into/have grown out of clothes before you realise it. He's fed and clothed and loved. Stop looking at his dad's social media if it's going to wind you up.

I simply asked if this was a normal thing to happen that's all. I don't look at his social media it was a friend who showed me. Probably because he looked a mess.

It's normal that when the DC is with dad, dad makes all of the parenting decisions.

I wouldn't call it bonkers to want to see your child dressed nicely and at least look like they've had a wash.

You wouldn’t be seeing him at all if you weren’t looking at his FB page! Stop stalking him while your child is with him. Tell your friends you don’t want to see anything from his social media.

Tell your friend to stop showing you then?
Why’s your ‘friend’ got your ex on social media?

It’s all so bloody petty.
I’m the first to dress my baby in the nicest clothes and lovely outfits and take pictures, but I’ve also been on the other end with my step children where their mother tries to control everything they wear, even when she’s not with them. And catergorically I can assure you it will fill your mind with poison the more you try and control something you don’t have control over.

If he’s fed, happy and actually wearing clothes then that’s all you need to care about. He may prefer his dad when he’s a teenager? He may prefer you? None of it will be down to who dressed him in nicer clothes when he was 17 months old.

He will probably prefer his dad for not being so controlling and not slagging his mum off over some clothes at every opportunity, just a thought.

He is also full of cold and has a bad cough and my ex has only put a thin hoodie on him while outdoors.

Well apparently you don't get to "dictate" that your child is dressed appropriately for the weather. Or has shoes that support his feet correctly. The parenting bar for fathers is sitting on the floor. You're going to have to ignore the dirty scruffy bits and just focus on the bits that actually harm your child. And keep notes and dates.

And I struggle to see how shoes that are two big cause sore red big toes - its shoes that are too small that usually do that

Because if the foot isn't properly supported it falls forward and bunches in the toe of the shoe. Would you buy your children too-big shoes? Any decent shoe shop fitter would advise against it.

@icouldwriteabook it's strange that you think I was bonkers really, or controlling, or bitter, or not over my breakup 🤷‍♀️

I have never actually once raised the issue with dad or actually brought up how I feel about it, which I think is an adult way to deal with my emotions, by myself.

I also fail to see how it has anything to do with my feelings about the relationship 🤷‍♀️ Seeing a child who you send to school or nursery every single day clean and well presented, in well fitting clothes and then seeing that same child in clothes much too small at times or not appropriate can be upsetting, it's got fuck all to do with the relationship, it's because you want your child to also look clean and well presented when they are not with you too. I didn't like the thought of people seeing him out and about and wondering if maybe I dressed him in super nice clothes when he was with me and sent him to dads in rags because he looked awful when he was there. I thought maybe people might spot him in the park and think, ah mango must keep his good clothes for her and send him to dads with nothing, when in fact he was sent in lovey clothes but they were changed.

I thought that by instead ordering a big package of new clothes a few times a year to his address, just basics like leggings, underwear, tops, pjs, shoes ect, that he could then keep them there and he would be more likely to dress him nicely or in size appropriate clothes because they were there all the time. I would txt him on the day they arrived and say "hi I've noticed x has had a big growth spurt lately & ive ordered him some more clothes. I've ordered some to keep at your house too" and leave it at that and it would shame him into making more of an effort. I don't have to do it half as much now, but I still do at times because it's easier.

Genuinely don't see how that has anything to do with me being bitter or not over a relationship as we have a child together and it's up to me to make sure he's provided for just as much as him. I'm not entering into any conversation about it or letting it bother me, it's a problem and that's how I sorted it.

My boy is thriving because I've at no point been bitter or not picked my battles and he is secure and well adjusted despite the circs, completely unaware of what went on. In time it has got easier. I'm glad I'm not as judgemental as you because I bet that's based on some form of bitterness.

But I am.not discussing it in front of him. He is 17 month old a pre verbal toddler, I don't think he would understand about it all.anyway even if I was discussing it in front of him.

I came on to ask some opinions if if this is the norm. How was I to know I shouldn't be packing a bag of clothes for ds to wear and that he was going to only put him in the clothes I packed to return him home in?

No need for people to attack me i just wondered if anyone else's ex did the same. I have never been in this situation before!

@icouldwriteabook OP might not even be looking. Some places are incredibly small.

The first 8 months ex and I were split he lived on the same street as us. So I would often bump into him when he had contact as I was coming and going, even driving up and down the road coming in or going out.

There were times friends would say to me "I saw x at the park today and he looked like x or y"

There were times he had cuts all over his feet from wearing shoes that were THREE sizes too small 😡 and little cuts around his waist from wearing clothes 2 years too small at times.

Even a few weeks ago when we had the snowy spell, I had a friend mention to me that she had bumped into them at the train station (open air in the country) and that she hated seeing him in a thin hoodie with no coat, but dad had a coat on and it was freezing. Which does bother you as a mum when you know you have sent that child there with a perfectly warm and well fitting, clean coat. He just won't put it on him because it's yours

On the whole it's a lot better. But really not sure that having those feelings about my child makes me weird or bitter in any way. And my advice to the op remains the same. Be adult & pick your battles, but of course it's ok that it bothers you.

@JoJo2106 take it with a pinch of salt some people can be really really strange.

@mangolover

I have nothing to be bitter about? I’m staying that may be one of the many reasons you are being controlling enough to actually send parcels to your ex’s house.

Everyone’s opinions and style of clothing differ. I HATE what my stepchildren come to our house wearing, it’s mostly ‘scruffy’ in my opinion, but may are from m&s or next. Just not my taste and usually got holes or stains on. So I change them straight away. I don’t tell their mum to send them in nicer clothes, As she might love those clothes.

I’m judgemental, yet you are the one judging your child’s dads clothing taste enough to spend £200 on clothes (“basics things like leggings”) and actually send them to his house to shame him? Why would you want to shame somebody you have no feelings/bitterness towards?

You’re a very strange individual.

I’d start caring more about what people perceive you to be like with your strange controlling behaviour rather than what people think when they see your son with ‘scruffy’ clothes on with his dad. Who cares what people think? If he’s dressed ‘nicely’ with you and ‘scruffy’ with his dad, surely anyone with a brain will think , oh well he’s dressed nicely with his mum, she must buy him nice clothes and his dad may not have much clothing sense.

You could dress him in a £80 Zara oufit and his dad could dress him in a £10 Asda outfit, some people would still prefer his dads style.

So very sad.