Considering moving a long way from daughters father and worried about effect on her

[swangloves]

My daughter is 16 months and I moved out from the home I shared with partner and his volatile teenage son she she was 5 months. We moved 200 yards down the road and since then have maintained a semblance of a family life- sharing meals etc

However I'm essentially the only one parenting and taking responsibility for our daughter, her dad likes to see us but rarely looks after her by himself and it's always in his terms. He's not a great dad but she see him most days and they adore each other.

I have to move out of my place in 6 weeks and am considering moving 4 hours away to be closer to my parents, where it is cheaper and I'd have family support.

There are pros and cons but I suppose what I'm interested in is anyone's thoughts or experiences of this in regards to the effect this may have on my daughter . The reality would be he probably would only see her every month or so. I am terrified of damaging or hurting my precious baby. I read that girls get their self esteem from their fathers so I'd be interested in any opinions from a psychological standpoint.

I moved a similar distance after my ex left us for ow. He had already chosen to see them only EOW so like you I was doing all of the actual parenting and moved for more support and financial security. Its not ideal but the kids still see him eow, he travels and stays with relatives. They Skype and message a few times a week also. Some people will say the ONLY thing that matters is the child's relationship with the parent but personally I think life is a package of lots of things and there have to be compromises and sacrifices in order to get the balance right.. You can't base all your life decisions on one factor.

Sorry. Meant to add, they miss their dad a lot but he has already distanced himself from then on my case. It's a little different in yours as he is more present but she's v young, whatever system you set up now will be her normal so if you are going to move I'd do it sooner rather than later.

@Angrybird123 thank you that's helpful. Yes at the moment I feel like I'd just be staying to maintain their relationship, while he makes no compromise. His life hasn't changed at all because he refused to let it, he still goes out loads, does his own thing etc. He plays daddy when he fancies it, and that usually involves just being in the same house as her, with me running around after her and him on his phone! He also gives me no money, so there are a lot of reasons it's not great.
I'm still emotionally embroiled with him but obviously have a lot of anger and resentment. He's never going to change so in some ways I think the only way for me to detach is to move. it just makes me feel sad for our girl, and he will lay it on thick about what an awful thing it is to do etc.

Children get their self esteem from those around them and if dad isn't involved, it doesn't really matter that much if they have other strong role models around. DGD doesn't see her father and he plays silly buggers with maintenance, but she has strong female role models in her life and is growing up a very happy wee soul.

From reading your post, I wouldn't say that your ex adores your child if he can't be bothered seeing her that much, or looking after her. I think you are wise to move. You have to do what is best for you and DD, not for him.

@LittleCandle I think you are probably right. He adores the idea of her, but his needs always come first.

If you are going to do it I agree do it before school age.