Not sure how to handle meeting next week - Advice gratefully received

[Brightrider]

Just found this site and have spent all afternoon reading really useful posts, hope you don't mind me asking for help too.
I am 38 and 24 weeks pregnant with first child, the Father and I had only known each other a few weeks when I got pregnant. Had been trying for years with Ex Husband so pretty surprised and shocked.
He was really pleased for first three months and then went away on business and started not returning calls etc. eventually sent an email saying he was not happy with situation and would I consider a termination. I had already had first scan by then so told him it was not an option on his return. He then came back a week later all apologies and said he wanted to build a strong family with me, one month later again not sure followed by more apologies and request to return, this lasted a week. Now he has gone.
Lots of apologising but says his other Daughter needs him more so he needs to spend all free weekends with her and there was not enough of a "spark" between us anyway !!!
Feel completely abandoned.
He is planning to come and talk to me next week about what I will want from him in the future and I am really confused.
What I really want is a loving father for my child but he says he is not able to be part of our lives, he is also not sure when he will be able to make financial contributions he is going through a messy and expensive divorce. Am I being a complete walk over here? I feel sorry for him as I know he feels really bad but I am also so unhappy I am worried I am affecting the baby, I keep reading how important it is for the child to have a strong bond with the Father and I am not sure he will even be there for the birth.
Should I ask him to attend even? I am dreading having this wonderful child and him not being there to share it. Also what am I going to tell my baby, your father loved his other child more is too harsh but that is what he is saying effectively.
Sorry this has got so long, I am just so unhappy and confused at the moment. How can I make the best of this for our child?

Brightrider, I'm sure all our hearts go out to you.

It is obvious how you feel about him, but importantly he must decide how he feels about you. I think he needs alittle bit of time and I would give him a time frame to work with.

As the father of your baby he has no choice but to provide maintenance (either through your own agreement or failing that the CSA, who have a brilliant website and give excellent guidance as to what you can expect financially).

You will get lots of support and advice from this website as we all wish you the best. Having been through hell myself over the past 2 years (including maintenance issues) I advice dealing with one issue at a time. It doesn't seem so overwhelming then.

Big kiss

Brightrider - welcome to this site and congratulations on your PG. I am not a lone parent but was brought up by a lone parent so hope that is enough justification for me sticking my nose in here!

whether you have your ex there for the birth is really down to whether or not you feel comfortable with him seeing you in labour - labour can be an undignified and messy process! I would also not want to bank on him being your only birth partner as he doesn't sound particularly reliable. I wouldn't worry too much about whether or not he attends the labour from the bonding point of view.

In terms of making the best of this; you can't control what he does, and whether he wants to stay around and be a father to your child or not. The best you can do is leave the door open for him to see your child regularly and form a relationship with him if that is what he wants. there is no more that you can do.

Yes, he may be going through a messy and expensive divorce; but that doesn't mean that he shouldn't have to contribute financially to your child. I doubt that the CSA would see it that way; I think it would be worth your while looking at the CSA web site and seeing what sort of financial support you could expect to be legally entitled to from him, and to try and negotiate with him accordingly.

take care
x

You poor thing. The last thing that you need whilst your pregnant is all this. Fair enough the situation may not be perfect and he might not have wished for this - but he has a responsibility. He may well change his mind (angain!!) when the baby is here and he sees him/her. I would try and keep things as official as possible. I havent been in this situation so I am sure other mumsnetters will give you great advice and be able to give you the legal perspective. I would ask for financial contribution though - why should you take 100% of the burden emotionally and financially?

If he chooses to stay out of the babies life I am sure that you will have a few years to think about how to expalin this to the baby. You can give the baby other male roles models (such as uncles, friends, grandarents). To be honest I was brought up between a step father and a dad and both were crap, one was abusive and the other rejected me and never put me before his girlfriends, so sometimes I think I would have been better off with out them!!

((hugs)) I hope this works out for you

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Hi, sorry you are going through this but congratulations on your pregnancy. I think it is pretty common for a man not to bond with a pregnancy even if he living with/married to the mother and wanted the child. Because it grows inside us it feels like a baby already, but to a man that seems to be not the case. So don't assume that because he doesn't feel anything for this baby now, that he won't when he or she is born. However, of course, you also cannot guarantee that he will want to be a true father to your baby either, particularly as it was unexpected. But whatever he does after your child is born, he has to contribute financially - 15% of his income in fact - via the CSA whether he likes it or not. Lots of single mothers bring up wonderful children without fathers around. It may not be ideal, and it may be harder, but I know it can be done. One of my close friends has a son and his father has chosen to have no contact. He's a great kid. Don't worry about what to tell your child - that is literally years away. A baby really wants his mummy and won't even notice there is no daddy. Cross your bridges when you come to them, but don't let him get away without paying. That's not optional.

Welcome to mumsnet brightrider and congratulations on your pregnany. So sorry to hear about your current situation adn i was reading it thinking I cant offer you any advice or anyhting as I have no experience when I realised that perhaps I can offer you some comfort.

My father died when I was 5 and so my sisters and I were bought up in a totally female environment but with grandparents and uncles on the scene (my mum remarried at the ripe old age of 60!).

Although i think it was hard for my eldest sister (8 when dad died) as she really had a relationship with him prior to his death,
I dont believe that i suffered for not having a father in my life.

I know you'd rather your child had a father in his/her life but if it does turn out to not be the case, please try not to dwell on it.

Hi, welcome to the site and congratulations on pregnancy, and sorry you are feeling down and going through this. Like the others have said, he has a responsibility as the father of your child to pay maintenance etc. When the baby arrives, he may very well come around to the idea. Im not with my dd's father, and she is a perfect happy little girl. He rarely sees her, and is messing me around with maintenance, but us being apart isn't affecting her at all. Do you have family or friends that can support you? You will get lots of support from us here. xxx

Thank you all so much for your advice and really kind words.
Breaking it down into one issue at a time seems a really good suggestion and I think I will try and do that with him next week.
Perhaps just tackle the money situation once the baby is here and for the meantime just encourage him to keep in touch and friendly so that the door is open for him to build a relationship.
I would like him to come a see the baby as soon as possible after it is born if he isn't going to be there for the birth, do you think this is a reasonable thing to ask?
It was really reassuring to hear that many of you felt the baby will not suffer if he does not want to though.
I am dreading going to Antenantal classes etc. though, is it all couples looking really happy?
Thank you all again for your lovely messages.

sounds reasonable enough to me, and just remember at the classes there will be other mums looking to make friends and find support. Dont worry about being the only one there, as there may be other single mums or mums who's partners couldnt make it to the classes. Just start conversations about their children and yours and you'll be well away

Agree with aloha, its difficult for a man to bond with child until its born and sometimes even then it takes a while, when it's older and more obviously responsive. My dp and I split up just before I got pregnant and at first he wanted nothing to do with ds, suggested I had termination but there was no way I was going to do that, would go ahead with or without him. In the end we got together again and while its not exactly roses around the cottage door for us, he does love ds dearly. Having said that I have no doubt that the love children need to thrive can be provided outside the 'nuclear family' situation, and you can make a great future for your child without a father. You sound like a great mum - I hope you can put your worries aside and be excited about the birth of your first child. Again like you, it was a novel situation for me at 36 after no luck in earlier 'stable' relationship! life is never simple. But I have so much reward from my son. Good luck hope to hear how things go for you xx

Brightrider - how did your meeting go?

Thanks for asking how it went. He delayed it until last night but it was OK.
He was quite reasonable on the money front and is going to let me know how much he wants to contribute, I have checked out the CSA site so I do have an idea I am just keen to see what he thinks.
It was just all so sad.... I wish I could just switch off my feelings for him and not get so upset. Even after all this I would like him to be part of my life but he clearly is not thinking that way.
I have asked him also to think about what involvement he sees himself having with the baby then I can think about his suggestions.
This is just not the way I wanted to bring a child into the world but it is the reality and I guess I need to find a way to move on..... Not finding that at all easy at the moment.
We agreed to meet up next week so he can take the rest of his stuff from my house and chat further about the future. Just feel so rejected right now.
I do hope being so sad is not going to make the baby sad... how much can they feel what you are feeling in the womb?
I must start to get some energy to get things ready, I haven't bought anything or even booked into any classes yet. Baby due on 25th December is this very negligent of me?
Thank you again for all your lovely messages.

Hi, sorry to hear you're having such a bad time. I'm also pregnant, on my own and due on Xmas day - except that the father (who I've known for quite a few years) made it clear straightaway that he didn't want any involvement. So no long drawn out discussions, but still very sad.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I haven't bought anything or done anything about classes, and I'm not even sure yet where I'm going to be living (moving out of shared accomodation and back in with a parent: to be decided!). And I don't feel like I'm being negligent - just a bit overwhelmed and crossing one bridge at a time! Which I reckon, under the circumstances, is all that there is to do

Hi Brightrider, sorry you are having such a rough time. Don't feel guilty about feeling sad and not booking classes - my hospital didn't even let us book till after the 20 week scan anyway (just that NCT classes get booked up from very early on, so you probably do need to get started earlier). Your hospital might run drop in workshops like breastfeeding/breathing and relaxation in labour. As for feeling stress - in an ideal world pregnant women would be in a blissed out daze for 9 months, relaxing and being treated like a queen - however in the real world, especially for mums of more than one or working mums that just doesn't happen - and you could always try eating plenty of chocolate - not as mad as it sounds - see this link:-news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3604275.stm. A lot of the stuff you read when PG can really scare you - but I was clinically depressed/anxious when PG, and my little boy is a nice calm little baby (cross fingers) so don't get stressed about beingt stressed.

About the ante-natal classes - if you can go to daytime ones, eg. ones during your maternity leave, the vast majority of mums will be without partners anyway, as they will be in work, so you might find that easier.

take care

brightrider, so sorry that you are feeling ike this. So rotten in a time where you want to be happy.

I think when your little one comes along you will be so happy and full of love for the little one that it will help you get over this man! I hope that makes sense. This is a hard time for you right now, but it will get better. Just let yourself have these feeling and know that in good time you will be able to move on and feel better.

Dont worry about not having booked classes and brought stuff - you have time yet! I didnt do the classes! My parentcraft was full!! Must admit the best advice I have ever got has been from good old mumsnet! So anything you are unsure/worried about the birth/motherhood I am sure people on here can advice you.

BTW do you have a lot of support? Is there somebody that can go to the classes/share the experience with you? a friend or relative?
((hugs)) to you x

ooohh! I love mummytostevens chocolate idea!