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Original poster

Please could you advise how to bring this up with DS dad

12 replies

LillianaVess · 10/02/2019 19:35

Hi
I don’t even know how to start this thread really.
I’ve just worked out that my DS dad has given me about £300 in total last year as maintenance. I don’t tend to check it often as I try to save it for new uniforms etc as it goes into another account to my normal one.

So anyway, about 5/6 years ago when we split I had an ok job and he didn’t so I agreed to £50 a month, and a promise to pay more when he could afford it.

We have an ok relationship, we discuss DS only and I arrange all contact between the two of them (I moved an hour away for work so I feel that this is my fault for moving to try to stay employed)

I just looked at my statement for last year and I am floored at how little he’s given me for our son. But I don’t know how to bring it up with him, we communicate by text only.

Can I have your advice on how to start a conversation around this please? He was a controlling man and i have to be honest it is scaring me somewhat just thinking of confronting him.

I looked on the gov website and I think if even he was min wage (I know his job and know he isn’t) he should be giving DS 30 a week.

I’m really struggling for money for DS as he has suddenly as DS has suddenly started eating like a horse and grown what feels like a foot overnight.

Thanks if you’ve made it this far any advice appreciated thank you

OP posts:
goldengummybear · 10/02/2019 19:55

It's easiest to just contact the CMS and get them to deal with your ex.

Original poster
LillianaVess · 10/02/2019 19:59

Thanks golden bear. I’m worried that just might make him pissed off and it’ll be DS that suffers. I think I need a smack in the face to be told to get over it really.

OP posts:
thefirst48 · 10/02/2019 20:12

Send him a text explaining DS is getting older and costing more money so could he start to contribute more. If he says no or comes up with an excuse then say unfortunately you have no choice but to go through CMS.

eve34 · 10/02/2019 21:01

I would send e mail. Explain that ds now needs more clothes. Uniform for school and hobbies and could he increase his support accordingly. If you can word it some how that you would rather maintain your good relationship and not use the cms. That would be good.

I had to go the cms route with ex. He was not impressed and sounds equally difficult man. It has taken few months to sort. And my ex completely ignored any contact from cms. So have had to go for attachment of earnings. It has taken a while but at least it is out of my hands now and going forward. So although caused some stress at the time at least hopefully the next 12 years going forward I won't have to ask him about money. (I live in hope)!!

Original poster
LillianaVess · 10/02/2019 21:02

Thanks thefirst that sounds nice and easy thank you. I know I’m seriously overthinking it. Even years later it’s like he has this hold over me to make me feel like utter shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
LillianaVess · 10/02/2019 21:04

Eve thank you. If I didn’t really need the money I wouldn’t even want to ask him but unfortunately l do

OP posts:
goldengummybear · 10/02/2019 21:09

I'm afraid that he'll probably be both angry if you ask outright and angry if you get CMS to tell him what to pay.

You could warn him if you feel guilty about him getting a letter without warning but don't fall in the trap of cancelling CMS because he promises more cash in future. He's proved himself to be totally unreasonable with your private arrangement.

Original poster
LillianaVess · 10/02/2019 21:13

Thanks Golden. You are right, I need to fecking grow up too and behave like a grown up and not the scared shell of a failed human I seem to be

OP posts:
flowerbomb99 · 10/02/2019 22:57

Your not on your own this is exactly how my ex makes me feel. Get myself so anxious and worked up if I need to approach him with anything to do with DS (4) or money or contact. He is quick to tell me he needs this that and the other but not as quick with handing the money over for it all! My son costs me £65 a month just in clubs let alone clothes, food, uniform and all the rest! Why can't I just man the f up too! 4 years later and he still has a hold over me :(
Hope you get it sorted with him and find some strength too xx

goldengummybear · 10/02/2019 23:03

I bet that you only feel like a scared shell when your ex is involved and that on a day to day basis you are the best mum that you can be. Thanks Be kind to yourself OP.

AuntMarch · 18/02/2019 18:12

Interested to know how this is going?

Original poster
LillianaVess · 20/02/2019 16:33

Hi Just an update, my friend at work gave my head a wobble too haha. He apologised (whaaaat) then told me off for not telling him earlier hah. So thank you to you all, and yes I think you’re right it’s mostly when I have to deal with him I feel like total shit.

OP posts:
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