Help for anxious single parent daughter..

[redwiner]

My daughter is 23, she has an 18 month old son. She split with the father when She was 7 months pregnant but stayed on reasonable terms with the father. For the first few months he only saw the baby once a week for a couple of hours as my daughter breast fed, but after he was weaned the father started having him more and now has him every weekend, plus 1 night in the week. My daughter has suffered with anxiety and depression for about 10 years but it seems to be getting a lot worse the past few months and it's getting to the point where she would rather not even have the baby... she works full time and the baby is in nursery 3 days a week, i have him one day and his other nan has him one day. Since being at nursery for the last 7 months the baby is always ill .. runny nose, sickness, tonsilitis..all of which we're told is not unusual for babies starting nursery.. however my daughter is struggling to cope with him being ill and sometimes goes a week or more without having him- his care is shared between me and my husband and the father and his family. I have told my daughter this is not normal and thst she should talk to someone medical (doctor, health visitor) but she refuses... I think she is either worried he'll be taken away from her or that she'll look like a failure. Whilst we're happy to help this can't continue, can anyone suggest what I can do to try and get her help or tell me who I could contact in confidence? Thank you

I remember watching a movie once called Jack and Sarah. Not your situation exactly but basically. Jacks wife dies and he can't bear the responsibilities of father hood and he doesn't have to because the family pick up the slack. One day they decided enough is enough and leave the baby with him and refuse to do his job any more. I know your life isn't a movie but I see only two ways this can go either you all refuse to do what she should which means she has to or her son needs to be in his fathers custody full time and a visitation schedule will be set up for his mum. The baby's best interest are the most important thing here because he has no say in what goes on around him and you must speak up for him, once he is settled and happy then turn your focus to your daughters well being.

The more she pushes the ds away and makes excuses the less she get chance to work through the low hard moments. I get you want to help and just saying no you deal with it won't work either.
You need to talk to her and tell her no more reasons as valid as they may be, she needs to get help and look after her child. Maybe instead of having the ds for the whole week or one day a week, you offer an extra day or two regularly and wean her in to it getting back balancing life with her son.

There needs to be a proper plan for who is caring for the child, she can't just pass him around
Either you or his family or Dad need to step in this cannot continue

You said the child is often ill, who is taking care of him when he's sick? Who takes him to the hospital/drs etc.
Yes it is normal for kids to get sick, but if he's being passed from pillar to post he will be confused who to go to when he's not well and exposed to a lot more germs and virus's than if he was being looked after by one person/ set of people in one primary home environment.

Both I and the baby's father/family do have the baby on set days, but as I work part time and his other nan doesn't work we have the baby if he's not well as DD is in a new job so having to be careful about how much time she has off..
I don't want to go behind her back and tell her doctor but also don't want to worry every night when I go to bed that I'll be getting a phone call in the middle of the night and have to drive across town to go and help her..not that I don't want to help, more that I want her to know she can, and has to, deal with things herself and not expect me to drop everything...