EA ex taking me to court. What do I do?

[Hullabalooo]

Just found out that my EA narcissist ex is taking me to court for increased access to DC. The current arrangement is ONW and EOW. He wants 50/50.

His behaviour during relationship and since has been bullying and abusive but he's incredibly charming and manipulative and this fools most people unfortunately.

Ex was mostly unbothered and unengaged with DC when we were together and for most of the time following that too, being more concerned with partying and pulling but is now in relationship and living with gf so has changed what he wants.

She massively outearns him and he's living way beyond his means so part of this is wanting to reduce CMS ordered maintenance to free up some funds. He left me in loads of debt so maintenance mostly goes on paying this debts left behind.

DC is adamant they don't want to go more than they do and come back incredibly stressed, biting nails and saying unpleasant things which I then have to manage behaviourally, just in time to send them back to ex. Last time they returned from ex, the littlest one just sat on my lap and sobbed.

I'm really really concerned that a court would believe his manipulative lies and grant him more access. How likely is this? He's been incredibly careful with emails etc and is only horrible with what he says to DC to repeat to me and what he's said in person so most of the evidence I have is just hearsay really as no witnesses.

I've engaged with lots of statutory support services in past few years so there is a paper trail but more about me than DC so not sure if this would constitute sufficient evidence for not increasing contact.

I've now got a solicitor although she doesn't seem much cop so am thinking I'll have to really do most of the work myself. I'm so worried about it all. He's painting me as a mad and jealous of ex when in fact I left him as he was so controlling.

Really need to hear some positive stories about mums that have got through this legal hell successfully. Please!

Hello.

I had my final court hearing yesterday and your situation sounds quite similar to my own. I was terribly frightened of my ex and was really very circumspect about the family courts and their role. My ex is a smooth operator and I thought the court wouldn't be able to see through his facade.

I'm pleased to say the magistrates saw through my ex partner. His submissions in writing gave no reference to the welfare of the child, only his own convenience. I think if you properly reference the welfare checklist in all your proposals, and keep referring back to the children, it will show in court. Keep referring to the children, their age, their welfare as it stands, how his proposals would impact on them.

If you want to chat further, do send me a message.

Oh thank you! That's really helpful. Sorry you've had a rough ride. Glad it's set now. Did they keep access the same?

I'm not sure what the welfare checklist is. Could you let me know and I'll start prepping for that.

I'll dm you too. Would be really helpful to talk.

Not been through this myself & only seen from my dps side & they were trying to get proper access but there are a few things the court will look at:

1. how old are DCs? Their views may be taken into account
2. He'll have to prove any allegations against you - you have a paper trail so that's good.
3. is he able to do 50/50 i.e can he drop off/pick up at school at reasonable hours or is it in DCs best interest for that time to be at yours.
4. why he thinks the current arrangement should change - how will it benefit DCs as you haven't done it before.

It annoys me when nrps push for 50/50 just for the money/their sake & my DP had to go to court just to get what most nrps have. For no reason other than ex wanted to control dp.

Hi OP.

The welfare checklist is a facet of the Children's Act which the magistrates use as the basis for the decision. If you have a google you'll find it easily.

Do drop me a message. Happy to help

Thanks @Octobersunshine. I'll have a search and download these. Get the feeling with my legal brief that I'm kind of on my own. Very passive unfortunately.

I'm away this wkend but will message you early next week. Appreciate it!

Hi Hullabaloo.

I've just sent you a DM.
Enjoy your weekend away

I'm going to court next week. I will let you know how it goes and pass on any advice.

I'm going to follow this with interest as I have a feeling my stbxh is going to start getting arsey about access too...

Can I also add if you are not happy with solicitor you can change . I had to change solicitor . Not because I wasn’t happy . He suggested a few I chose the one he described as a dog with a bin.

Bone not bin😳

That's good to hear @starlight do they get offended if you change solicitor? I'm hopefully getting legal aid so wondered if that might impact on my choice of legal brief..I do indeed want a dog with bone to fight my corner

@2018anewstart good luck with it. I imagine it's utterly nerve wracking.let me know how you get on. 🤷‍♀️👊

The reason I had to change is complicated and a long time ago. I was on legal aid . Ex had done mediation and then nothing for about 8 months so solicitor closed legal aid down then I got court letter so he couldn’t reopen within 6 months but was also changing jobs. Hence why he was probably happy to give me a list of recommendations.

However I would say don’t worry about offending solicitor . It is a professional service and if you don’t get what your child deserves/ needs then you would regret it.

Thanks @starlight that's good to know

Have messaged you @Octobersunshine

My Horrible ex who spent years bullying me,cheating on me and sexually abusing me. He has bullied me into 50/50 access and then gone to child maintenance and they have stopped payments and said I have to pay him back. I can’t see how this is fair when I pay all childcare, I pay all school stuff uniforms/trips/pictures etc, I provide everything my son needs, It clear his dad doesn’t even cut his nails!. I even send my ex’s wife money if she ever pays for anything!! Best part of it is we got our letters to close the case just before Xmas holidays so during the 2 week Xmas holidays I had my son 9 out of the 14 days by my ex’s choice..typical that all of a sudden he doesn’t want him 50% of the time!! It makes me so mad and I can’t afford to go to court I can’t afford to get by month by month and his dad just gets away with not supporting his son!! I’m broken!! My partner gets on at me saying it’s my fault for allowing it but I’m not going to argue in the school playground in front of my son demanding I take him home with me and I can’t see what else I can do!! We previously went to mediation and got kicked out because my ex said he either pays nothing and continue how we are or he has my son full time and he gets child benefit. I tried to come to an agreement and said he can pay me half of what child maintenance initially said he had to pay but he wasn’t having any of it so they terminated mediation as they said it’s pointless.
I literally spend my life putting my kids needs before my needs, and I just feel completely screwed over 😢😢.

Sorry I just read this post and it made me start reeling my story off.

@Pringle really really sorry to hear your story. That's a really crummy outcome and no wonder you feel so crushed. He must be incredibly convincing to do so well. Did you not have legal support during the case? Hope things improve soon xx

What's wrong with 50-50? A lot of people seem to we're a-holes if we want equal time with our children.

@guest75 I don't think 50 50 is always right for the children. Just because it works for one child doesn't mean it will work for all. Sometimes 50 50 is to meet the needs and wishes of one of the parents rather than wishes and needs of the children. I personally couldn't think of anything worse than living between 2 houses and I know my children feel the same. Also some parents want 50 50 when they have had very little involvement in their childrens lives up until that date. Children have managed fine without them before so why change their lives drastically to suit the needs of the adult. I would never advocate cutting contact with either parent completely (unless extreme circumstances ) but don't think 50 50 is always the right answer either. Every situation and every child is unique and should be treated as such.

What @2018anewstart says. My ex has had little interest in parenting for years but suddenly does. Seems a way to stop paying maintenance amongst other things. Solicitor pointed out that I'm his two page letter of submission he only mentioned dc once.. the rest was all about himself.

I don't understand why people say "he's just trying to avoid paying maintenance" when a man wants 50-50 custody. He's going to have to pay for food and clothes etc. anyway. Why should he pay maintenance?

No 2018anewstart, 50-50 is not ALWAYS the right answer. But usually it is. You say parents who want 50-50 are selfish? If you don't want to let your ex see his kids more than EOW you're probably selfish. You're probably doing it because you don't want to be seperated from your kids more than that. And you want him to pay maintenance.

What's worse for a child. Having two homes or seeing dad only 5 days a month.

when a man wants 50-50 custody. He's going to have to pay for food and clothes etc. anyway

Of course normal parents will pay for those things, and generally I’d say for non-abusive parents 50/50 should be the starting point. Trouble is, if they are EA they often don’t pay for these things, don’t send the kids back with the clothes they arrive in, and generally behave like cunts.

You make good points Sashkin. I just hate how common it is for people to say "he doesn't want to pay maintenance" when a guy wants 50-50. Yeah I would rather pay kids clothes and hobbies myself. Is that a bad thing? Maintenance should be paid IF you're not paying those things. Some people think men should always pay maintenance. 50/50 should definitely be the starting point.

Mate this post isn't about you and your kids. As my post states I have an EA ex. This means I've spent the last two years getting support from a domestic abuse charity and DC have been getting support too. It's been horrible for everyone. Dc don't want to go to his.

Ex didn't have any desire to be involved when he moved out or before that. But now he's with someone who's out earning him and paying for a flashy sports car he needs to reduce maintenance (decreed by cms) to keep up his lifestyle.

This is someone who keeps everything that DC go to his in. He doesn't buy clothes or do anything with him..it is just all about him and punishing me for leaving a truly horrible life with him.

Get a proper user name and stop lurking.

It's true though that a number of parents and usually men look for 50:50 to avoid paying maintenance. This is exactly what my ex is doing and even if it works out for him I know that I will still pay for all of the hobbies, bus Passes, clothes, shoes, picket money.