What’s your contact arrangement if long distance?

[PippilottaLongstocking]

For context - we split up when DS was a baby and he’s now almost 7, ex had irregular contact but has gone several months without seeing DS on multiple occasions (by choice), now he’s been having regular contact for around 6 months although still cancels often.

Ex is planning to move to the other end of the country within the next 6 months. Obviously the weekday contact will stop but not sure what to do about weekends, he’s expecting to still do every other weekend but I feel this will be too stressful for DS with all the travel and being in a place he doesn’t know since just a few months ago he’d never even spent a night away from me. Obviously if ex had been a decent consistent parent that would be fine but he’s not. I want to suggest one weekend a month or every 3 weeks but I know ex will be difficult about it.

I’d like to know what arrangements other people have and whether they work well.

This sounds like i could've wrote this myself! My DS is 4 and me and his father we have been split up for 3 years and he lives 160 miles away and he sees him (his choice) every school holiday. He picks up and I go and fetch him. He is constantly saying we need to make other arrangements but unless he moves closer there isn't much else he can do. He says he wants him every weekend and I've said it's too much for DS and will be so expensive because I only agreed to travelling school holidays to do the pick up so how about every other weekend but he is difficult about it and insists every which I will stand my ground he's not. It's so difficult because when my DS goes it's still for a few days it's still all new to him and so used to having me 24/7. I would also like to know the answer to this problem!! Sorry I couldn't help just wanted to relate to your pain! X

flowerbomb99

Thanks for replying! Good to know I’m not alone. Every weekend would be ridiculous! You can guarantee that no court would agree to that.

My ex has been absent for two years but recently got back in contact and would like to see our child again. He lives 70 miles away and he wants one weekend a month if I agree to it. Because he hasn't been involved he will be the one doing all the travelling if she decides to see him.

itstimetoscream
Thanks for replying, I’d be happy with one weekend a month so it’s good to know that other people see that as a reasonable arrangement too.

I split with my exh 3 years ago, my youngest was 4 months. When he was 10 months old i moved back home to Wiltshire, ex lived in Manchester. About 18 months ago exh moved slightly closer but still 120 miles away. The dc go to their dads eow and we meet halfway on both pick up and drop off. There have been occassions when the dc have stayed put and exh has visited them in Wiltshire, but that averages out about once in every 12 weeks. The dc took a little while to get used to the travelling but have adjusted well.

Does he have any relatives he could stay with near you on another weekend so it's eow ? It's not ideal but would reduce the traveling for the child and he'd still go to his dad's house on the one per month.

huge yeah ex’s dad lives around 20 mins drive away (ex currently lives with him) so could easily stay there but says he doesn’t want to

That really would be a good option at least occasionally if purely for the fact that it reduces travelling for the child. Never mind what HE wants. (Assuming the grandfather is OK with it of course)

Would love to hear some other stories about long distance relationships with child and absent parent? Me and my ex just can't come to any agreement or solution - mine would be for him to move closer but his is to have DS every weekend and travel down on a Friday and back on a Sunday but it's just too much for a 4 year old surely and cost around £200 there and back with a 3 hour journey each way. He's asked me to do one journey which I agreed to in school holidays but not weekends as I'm shattered from working all week. Am I being fair?

No experience myself but a friend of mine, his ex (the resident parent) moved about 250 miles away. They both travel to a halfway point once a month and my friend stays at a hotel on the weekend he sees them, and for half holidays so their children see Dad. They work had to stay amicable despite the split and I’ve always been really impressed that they both work so hard to put their children’s needs first. The ex regularly facilitates Skyping and they even discuss upcoming contact arrangements in the Skype call when the children are there.

Sorry that should read he stays at a hotel near halfway point on the weekends he does see the children and they share the holidays but he brings them back home for the holidays weekend contact doesn’t happen often but his ex is flexible and they negotiate it as he works away a lot!

When I split with ex, he moved 3 hours away and the kids hated the travelling. I asked him to move closer or reduce contact as 6 hours of car time in a weekend was really stressful for them as they get car sick.

Luckily he saw sense and moved 45 minutes away which is much more reasonable. If he'd stayed 3 hours away I suspect contact would have ended up less than once a month.

Ex moved 400 miles away. Contact immediately dropped massively. Now mostly sees DD just in school holidays. He pays all travel as he's the one who moved but he did successfully request a variation to CMS for this.
I don't wish to facilitate calls via my mobile any longer so have programmed the landline with his mobile number, showed DD how to use it so they can call each other whenever they wish. He rarely calls more than once a week and sometimes a month can go by without him calling her.

As long as he doesn’t mind the drive it should be EOW.