Dad has walked away

[1fedupmama]

Ok so trying to cut a long story short.... me and my kids father haven't been together for almost 5 years (we split the day after ds2 was born)
We've had our ups and downs but all in all he's a good dad and he has helped as much as he can, but every so often he tries to get one up on me, refusing contact arrangements, causing arguments and then not seeing the kids for weeks at a time. This has happened a few times now but everytime we manage to resolve it (sometimes with the help of a solicitor just so things remain civil)
9weeks ago he kicked off, he didn't like new contact arrangements basically wanted to drop days and not replace the time elsewhere (we've been 50/50 contact since day 1) so obviously I didn't agree to what he said and it kicked off, resulting in him causing a massive scene at my door infront of the children and he threatened to remove the kids from my care completely (the kids have had nightmare about this since)
Regardless of the abuse I still went to my solicitor to try and resolve this for my kids sake,... and today I have been told they've had no reply or any acknowledgement from daddy dearest and basically there is nothing they can do about it.
I'm heart broken, how do I tell my kids that their dad doesn't want to know? After everything I never ever thought he would just walk away.

"he's been a good dad" - has he? He's caused problems, caused rows in front of the dc, one minute he's threatening to take the kids away, and the next minute he blanks them completely and leaves you all worrying. It's all about him, isn't it? He's stamping his feet because you aren't all running round after him.

Hopefully he'll see sense eventually.

Has there been a personal issue for him or is he going through some emotional breakdown. Not making excuses at all, just wondering why he's suddenly acting this way. Also if there has it may only be for a short period.
I'm again not making excuses for him, it sounds that you still want your dc to have contact.
Can you tell your dc that dad has taken a new job for say three months, in that time let you legal deal with contact. If he gets in touch sooner you simply say contact can start after the three months, if it doesn't then you explain to the children.

Working away is such a typical excuse, but it helped my dc when I was going through issues. It wasn't for my ex it was simply the dc knew for a period of time they weren't able to see him and didn't feel abandoned

There are no personal issues that I know of, he has another child (1yr old) to someone else who he also has an on off relationship with.
When I said he's a good dad I meant when he's not causing a scene for not getting his own way he's a great dad, he's always been there for the kids, used to call randomly just to see how they were etc but now, none if that. Before the kick off 9weeks ago my oldest had been saying 'I don't want to go to dad's it's boring' I wasn't worried as he gets 'bored' easily but after all this I'm not sure if maybe dad's behaviour or attitude had been effecting him before he actually kicked off with myself.
I'm just so stuck. Legally my solicitor cannot do anything else as he hasn't instructed a solicitor on his behalf and hasn't replied to any of the 4 letters mine have sent, I have been advised by women's aid etc that this behaviour is unacceptable and to remove myself and let a 3rd party deal with it. But what happens now?
I don't even have any family that could talk to him on my behalf.
I just don't want my kids to think this is their fault or that I didn't do anything to fix it, but right now there isn't anything I can do.

I meant his relationship with the child is on/off, there was a few months where he didn't see the baby and it affected my kids aswell as they'd been introduced to their little brother then he wasn't there anymore. I'm unsure if he is still seeing the other child atm or not

You all need time and that's you included.
My Dp suddenly has a breakdown just after the lo was born. I didn't understand at the time and still am a little upset because our life was good but he let loads build up put his head in the sand and the boom. I even kicked him out for it, because as a mother I can't just fuck up or for get about the dc.

It sounds like he's hiding away, pretending that he doesn't have to deal with anything. He acted like a child as he didn't get what he wanted. I would just explain a little to the dc, not to much because as a child you don't really take it in and just blame your self or hate the other person which ends up hurting you.

You sound like a strong wonderful mother

I think the best thing you can do is let him walk, if that's his choice. Your DC deserve a dad who is there because he loves them and he wants to be with them, not one who sees them under duress. He sounds a complete arse and I'm sorry you're all having to deal with his crap.

I suppose you have two choices. Either instruct your solicitor to contact him RE maintenance payments (if he's gone from 50/50 to zero contact then he will now be required to pay towards his DC's upkeep. Even if he was already paying something, he will likely now owe more) although I suspect this will result in contact suddenly resuming as he won't want to pay. Alternatively, if you can manage financially and you just think it would be best for DC to be rid of this unreliable and inconsistent man-child then I you could just leave him be and be prepared renegotiate reduced contact on your terms of/when he puts in an appearance at some point down the line.

My DH was let down (although not for weeks on end) by his unreliable dad as a kid and it, amongst other things, really has left a mark. The ways it manifests itself even as an adult are just so sad and really can affect quality of life.

*IF/when

They witnessed the kick off and my emotional aftermath.... so they know that 'daddy was a bit nasty and made mummy upset but mummy is trying to fix it but daddy needs to know he can't go on like that' but other than that I don't know what to do... it's been weeks since they were told this and they keep asking for him but also keep saying 'I don't want to go back to dad's cause I don't want to leave u'

He already does pay something but I'm.not overly fussed about money, it does help but honestly not phased by getting more.
I have all the solicitor letters from previous times and the ones from this time so if it does come down to him walking away I have the proof that I tried, obviously for when they are old enough to process it.

They are great kids but this kick off has effected them a great deal and I'm just not sure if they would be able to handle more bad news... and honestly I don't know what to say to them? Cause they will ask, and I don't have an answer atall. I know they deserve the truth but they are 6 & 4, still young but old enough to know that something isn't right (and they are very very smart!!)