help pls :(

[Jamrolypoly12]

I need some advice, I don't want to give too many details so without getting into it too much.. long story short my ex is emotionally abusive (and physically once or twice when we were together) he left when I was pregnant and came back once I'd had our dd, I let him be involved for the sake of our daughter. He would come to my house and either point blank ignore me (not even a hello in my own house) or shout abuse at me calling me names. I had to get police involved for one incident and they cautioned him and told me not to speak to him and to tell him if he wants access to go through solicitors, if he comes to my house I'm to call 999 and he will be arrested.

A few months passed and he contacted me and I felt bad that my dd wouldn't have her father in her life and so we tried to get along, it didn't take him long for his true self to show and he was back being horrible so I said I can't do this anymore.

He is now threatening me with court for access and he has even said he's going to do everything he can to make my life miserable. He's demanding overnights even though she is only 5 months and ebf.
I'm so stressed and worried if he does what will happen? He doesn't have PR and isn't on the birth certificate.
A friend of mine said if he does I'll have to pay court costs! I'm on low income how would I be expected to pay, I claim universal credit and don't have much money at all.. she said I'd have to pay back out of my benefits but I couldn't afford to. I have now blocked his number as I couldn't cope with all the threats and nasty texts he sends me

Anyone know if he went to court what access would he be likely to get? Would it be a long process for him because he needs to get PR first? I feel like just giving in to him but I'm not even sure our dd would be safe in his care, I certainly don't feel safe when it's just me & dd alone with him so don't know what else to do. The situation is very stressful

Didn't want to read and run...I have no experience in this and am going through something similar but fortunately without the abuse (well a bit of emotional abuse and controlling ex) but nothing compared to you by the sounds of it. From what you say you really have nothing to worry about. If he has a history of violence and police have been involved already then he will have to have supervised visits I'm thinking until he proves he can control his anger. Go to women's aid they will advise you further and help settle your mind a bit. Hope it all works out for you Xx

If he makes the application then he pays the court fee of £215. You can represent yourself which means there is no legal fees. There are enough online resources if you have the time to research and learn the process.
He would easily get PR, jesus even people in prison have managed to get PR. I wouldnt advocate games, but agreeing to PR without a struggle could be used as a bargaining chip. He would then need to apply for mediation before he is allowed to apply to court. Mediation can be expensive and you would want shuttle mediation [separate rooms]
When it happens, tell him and the mediator that you simply cant afford it but you are keen to come to an agreement. He will likely pay if he is serious.
Given the safety concerns and police caution, its highly unlikely he will get over nights from a court yet but not unknown.

If you cant agree in mediation then its off to court. You are looking at over a year for all this to happen and be resolved.
The most likely outcome is CAFCASS will lay on the pressure for him to have 3-4 hours every [or every other weekend] with a mutually trusted family member or as posted above, possibly a contact center.
You know your ex best, is he serious about going through all this? or is it just threats? dont be afraid of court if it cant be worked out.

Practical solutions I would offer is for a neutral friend or family member to have child and ex visits so you can have a break from each other. Maybe even use the friend as a third party communicator, if thats possible.

Get an email set up so you can send him regular updates and pictures, let him know about doctors visits etc. In my opinion if you make every effort, whilst ensuring you and your childs safety then safety concerns you raise in court will hold more weight.

Keep a record of everything, texts, emails and record any phone calls.
Most importantly look after yourself, it can be a long drawn out process and you need be standing at the end of it.

P.S. just to clarify, he has to go to court first to get PR, once that is ordered and enacted he then needs to apply to mediation. If that doesnt work then he needs to go on to apply to court for child arrangements order.

Actually I think mediation can be free for low income parents.

Thankyou for the info that’s really informative, I’m not sure if he’s serious because he does have another child who he doesn’t see (mother doesn’t let him) and he’s never taken her to court. I have tried to fascilitate contact and I was doing what I think is right but he bullies me when I’m with him and makes it impossible! He wants to see her when it suits him, it’s like if he has a free hour here or there he fancies seeing her but if he’s doing anything else he’s not interested. Which makes me think he isn’t going to put the effort in for court..

I know with his ex he got mediation and she didn’t turn up so he never took it further!

Boundaries! Get yourself some of those.
X

Please please contact womans aid asap!! They will literally sort everything out for you. They will make a refaral to your local domestoc abuse service which will literally help you through everything. They will ofer you alarms for your house a little alarm for yourself which you can press and call police so so many things as well as councelling ect and help you with court. Please call them in the morning first thing.

Education! Get yourself some of those! X

Parent999

Firstly, if you’re on universal credits you may we’ll be entitled to legal aid. He will have to pay to take you to court.
Courts don’t take kindly to aggressive abusuve fathers. If you have any evidence, keep it. If you don’t, then get some. If he comes to your house, record him discreetly from your phone. Keep texts, emails, letters, call logs.
If you have a crime number from police, keep that safe. If you don’t, then call 111 and ask for it.

They do look at individual cases. They use CAFCAS (?) it’s support in family cases. They offer mediation and lease with judge etc.

Your ex will have to apply for dna test and pay for it to get into birth certificate. Until then I don’t believe he has parental responsibility.

I’d make a few calls to seek legal advice through legal aid. Don’t be frightened. He can threaten all he likes. More he threatens you, less likely he’ll get anywhere.
Just get a record of everything if you can.
He could just be making empty threats. Does he have a job and a good income?

Apologies op, on reflection, the boundaries comment seemed flippant. It certainly wasn’t intended that way.
I just meant keep him at a distance, agree a time in a safe/supervised environment and ask him to stick to it.

he is emotionally abusing you again.
he wasnt there at the birth and now he wants to see dc when it suits him and at the same time abuse you again.
you have to take him out of your lives, move away or something and build a new life for you and your dc; otherwise this will continue years and years. for this and the other legal stuff you can get support from womens aid. they will as well tell you he doesnt have much chance.
good luck.

Thankyou for your comments. I think I will contact women’s aid, they contacted me after the police incident and left me their no which I can dig out, they seemed really helpful on the phone.
I don’t think he will turn up at my house as he’s been warned by police if he does he will be arrested and I have to call police on 999. I have kept all the texts between us, and reading back I’m pretty reasonable it’s him who is bullying and threatening. bluebell I agree I need him out of my life! I would look to move but I can’t afford it right now but wish I could as he knows where I live.
Another thing, he doesn’t actually know dd full name because I’ve never told him, he’s never asked, will he even be able to make an application without full name?? He knows first and last but I’ve never out right told him the middle names nor put them on social media/public..!