Mediation going nowhere

[GeorgeVi]

I don’t know what to do.
I am in mediation for the second time in 6 years. My 7 year old son is begging me to stop Daddy asking him for more contact, he tells me he’s happy with every other weekend and things to stay as they are. Went to mediate today and apparently it’s all my fault and I’m brainwashing my son to make him think this way, so much so that he’s now asking for my son to stay every other week... mon - fri and then with me mon-fri. I was nearly sick.
The mediator told him there was no way a court would agree to this.
She has suggested speaking to my son by himself and would dad consider listening to her report and fact finding from it afterwards so we can make a (parent plan) which is a verbal agreement for contact.
This is the part that scares me, he said he’d consider what my son has to say and I know for a fact dad won’t stick to the plan if it’s only verbally agreed. He’s never stopped asking for more contact over the last 6 years and he ramps it up every now and then.
He says my son says the same things about me and that he doesn’t like being with me and that he wants more contact with his dad. I’ve never heard my son tell me this but he comes crying to me about his dad shouting and upsetting him. This is such a mess, I just don’t know who or what to believe anymore. How on Earth is the mediator gonna get us both to agree on a plan and stick to it like glue. I just want to be left alone and stop all these constant requests for more contact and enjoy time with my son before he turns into a teenager and doesn’t want to see any of us.

Let it go to court if you have to. Cafcass will get involved. Likely ex will shit himself then.

Let it go to court.
Cafcass will do checks and speak to your child.
The mediator is right he won't get what he's asked for.
I feel exactly the same as you except I am exempt from mediation and always go straight to court about contact :-(

He made himself out to be a saint in mediation and on the other hand refused the mediator to talk to our son. Surely she could see what he was doing?
There is a chance I could loose everything in court if we end up there? Whatever the contact he's going to ask for a hell of a lot!

Having a mediator report on side can help tremendously. Ime id trust a mediator every bit as much as Cafcass

I haven't heard of a mediator speaking to a child before. At 7 he would be too young to have a say in court and I'm not sure I would want him invovled if it were me. Also, IME Cafcass would also be very unlikely to talk to him unless you raised serious safeguarding concerns.

Are you prepared to offer an extra night during the week?

I think you should let it go to court. Even if he got 50:50, which I don't feel is likely but I can't say it won't happen, at that age your DS would not go for a week at a time. It's usually a 4 day, 3 day kind of rota. It's possible he would get an extra overnight during the week. It would give you something he has to stick to. Mediation is money down the drain if he doesn't feel it's binding.

He can take this to court whether you like it or not and he more than likely will get more than he has now.

The court will only care about what's best for your son. Don't be too scared by it. It could save you a lot of stress in the long run.

If you let this go to court the court may well decide that for now the contact should remain as is, but may caveat it by saying that as the child gets older he will have to spend more time with Dad. The thing is - it's easy for every one to advise you to go to court but there is no way anyone can actually predict the outcome of a family court case. Once the case has concluded there is nothing stopping your husband from continuing to pursue for further contact time..... so it's not just one court case it can become several...all the time your child is being dragged through all this uncertainty.

How much does your child know about your dispute with your husband? You say he is begging you to keep things as they are - how do you respond to this?

The key thing to remember is that your child IS being negatively impacted by the adults fighting. And allowing to have some input into the mediation process will allow him to offload onto someone neutral. In my experience children do say different things to different parents - not because they are liars but because they love their parents, they want their acceptance and approval and one of the ways they have learned to get that is by saying negative things about their other parent.

Stick at the mediation - a good mediator should be able to unpack all of your motivations and help you come to an arrangement that is best for your little boy. Not you....not your ex......but him.

@GeorgeVi
What do you mean by loose everything?

The courts look at the best interests of the child.
In my case that was EOW and 1 night in the week. I raised safeguarding concerns and now contact has stopped and cafcass are involved again.

Courts look at the age of the child, how long contact has been established for, how consistent the parent is, if they are able to care for the child adequately with the additional time being requested. They'll also look at the home environment etc.

Apart from your child not wanting it to change - is there any reason why 50/50 would not work?
I'm not saying it should or would work just thinking if you got to court thats all

@Doyoumind many mediators offer child consultation - with younger kids it usually involves play, art etc and with older children is more discussion based. Most family mediation outwith the UK includes a child consultation element. It's really helpful for parents to see how much their actions are unintentionally affecting the child/ren.

I suppose I'm scared because I lost in court before but I suppose circumstances were different as my son was only 2 at the time.
I guess it is a simple case of dad wanting more time with son but when son is telling me that he doesn't want to and just has it in his head that he only wants 1 night after trying 2 nights before and it being too much, surely I must listen to my sons requests and act on them? He's been saying he can only handle one sleep for 2 years now!
I think I need the mediator to talk to my son, I've tried for years to protect my son from all this but he has been dragged into it since he's been asking for what he wants.
Then there's the issue of endless emails for more contact and arrangements, it got to a point over Xmas that I was receiving an email every other day for 2 weeks running! It got too much and because it got too much i requested emails to be sent every other week... for that I'm being accused of wanting control.... yes control of my life!!

" I just want to be left alone and stop all these constant requests for more contact and enjoy time with my son before he turns into a teenager and doesn’t want to see any of us. "

You sound very selfish. I'm sure your ex would like to spend time with his son too. EOW is not much.

One of the reasons the court system is so damaging is the adversarial nature of it. You've said that you're scared because you "lost" at court before. When you go to court NO ONE wins or loses.

Try to stop seeing things as you losing and your ex winning, and instead see it as your son developing a loving, healthy relationship with two people who adore him. You say your son is anxious about contact - how do you help him with this? Think really hard about what you say to him and how you respond. Do you respond with pity. Do you agree with him? Or do you encourage him to see Dad. (Not asking you to answer this here but to think about it for your own benefit). It might be helpful for your sons peace of mind for you to "give him permission" to want to see Dad and for you to be positive about contact. It's tempting to tell kids how much you'll miss them....actually what this does is make them worry about you. Instead tell them you have loads to do and he will too and you'll be back together before you both know it. Given that he will and should be seeing his dad regularly your job is not to prevent this from happening, but to prepare him and support him to make it as easy and enjoyable as possible for him.
You sound like as amazing mum who just wants her boy to be happy.

Thanks very much.... I'm already feeling like an awful mother, desperately trying to keep it together today and keep smiling for my children!!! That's enough to tip me over the edge!!!
I do so much for my son, anytime he needs me I'm there for him, whatever he needs I'll do it for him! I've gone without so much so that he can have all the presents he wanted at Xmas! I've done nothing but encourage my son to go to his dads over the years, only for dad to mess it up by upsetting him time and time again!!!
Selfish am I...... nursing my mother through her chemotherapy just after my baby was born last year, staying with her in hospital when i should've been with my newborn! I spent the whole of last year seeing to everyone but me!
Ex was issued with a harassment warning by the police for those emails by the way & a risk assessment carried out on me as to what it was doing to me!
What's wrong with me wanting a life of my own with my children and to be left alone by a pestering ex partner? Who is not only harassing me but also my son for more time!!
You know nothing about me and what I've been through over the years..... absolutely nothing!!!!
Sorry I bothered everyone with my post!
Obviously I'm too selfish to deserve any help or advice from people who have possibly been through similar circumstances!! That's all I was after!!!!

PurpleG, I think you're in a really tough situation. You're reaching out for support and have received some judgmental rubbish from a couple of posters. Ignore them! They don't know you.
I don't think it's unreasonable to not want multiple contact from someone you don't like and who causes you stress.
I know nothing about the process tbh so can't offer any advice sorry. I just hope you have people in real life you can get support from too. I know how horrible these situations feel. I've had sleepless nights and plenty of tears over a similar situation.

From a mans perspective, clearly you are struggling and I have all the sympathy in the world. But...... the mans been begging for more time to raise his son for 7 years. How humiliating, I’m not surprised you feel he is harassing you.
Whilst it’s always a crap shoot in court there is every possibility they could award 50/50. Especially if he has been begging for 7 years. If you guys have been in a tug of war for so long I wouldn’t be surprised at all if your son is telling you both what he thinks you want to hear.