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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Child not having bed for overnights at dads house

24 replies

PippilottaLongstocking · 13/01/2019 19:05

I’ve just learn that my son (6) doesn’t have a bed (or bedroom) at his dads house and is made to sleep on the sofa in the living room.

Is this acceptable or should I be trying to do something about it? It’s currently only one night a fortnight but should be increasing to 2 or 3 nights a fortnight in a few months

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LuggsaysNotaWomen · 13/01/2019 19:09

What are the living conditions - is there a spare room/place for a bed?

Singlenotsingle · 13/01/2019 19:11

Can't the dad sleep on the sofa?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 13/01/2019 19:13

Dad should sleep on the sofa (which I assume is in the living room) and 6 year old have dad's bed (or bedroom)

Original poster

PippilottaLongstocking · 13/01/2019 19:15

Ex lives with his dad - it’s a 4 bed house and as far as I’m aware only 3 people live there (ex, his dad, and one of his brothers, other brothers are there sometimes but don’t live there full time) Ex has no other kids

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Singlenotsingle · 13/01/2019 19:18

Confused now! If DS lives at his dad's, how come it's only one day pw or per fortnight that he has to sleep on the sofa?

Singlenotsingle · 13/01/2019 19:19

As you were. Gottit!

Original poster

PippilottaLongstocking · 13/01/2019 19:19

Ds lives with me, ex (as in ds’s dad) lives with HIS dad (ds’s grandad)

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Original poster

PippilottaLongstocking · 13/01/2019 19:19

Sorry for the confusion!

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Beansandcoffee · 13/01/2019 19:20

Don’t see a problem with it. My two spent every other weekend on the sofa at their dads for years. As long as they see their dad that is what is important.

Rubusfruticosus · 13/01/2019 19:26

His dad should get him a mattress. It's only £60 for a sprung mattress from Ikea that could be stored under another bed.

Original poster

PippilottaLongstocking · 13/01/2019 19:27

Ha I’m not convinced seeing his dad is doing him any good at all but that’s a whole other story! Okay it’s interesting to hear that some people wouldn’t be bothered by it, ex has a history of failing to prioritise ds or meet his needs which I imagine is making me think this is worse than it is. It’s part of a pattern but if people think it’s not a problem on its own then I won’t bring it up with him

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Original poster

PippilottaLongstocking · 13/01/2019 19:28

rubus that won’t happen, he won’t even buy him spare pyjamas to keep at his house!

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zebra · 13/01/2019 19:37

I can't see this is a problem at 6. We had DSS on a camp bed in our room at that age. He's got his own room now but only because my eldest left to free up a room. Just because there's a 'spare' room at Grandads house it doesn't mean it's not in use and can be given to your DS.

frogsbreath · 13/01/2019 19:38

Why doesn't he just put him to bed in his bed then join him later when he goes to bed himself?

Sometimes I stay with friends or family and ds and I share a bed/bedroom.

Once I tried to bring his dad in too but it was awful so DH will go on the sofa.

A blow up kids air bed or readybed is so cheap too and can go in the room with his dad.

Flipflop789 · 13/01/2019 19:45

I wouldnt find this acceptable. If there is no where fit for a child to sleep why bother to do overnights. Another point to think about, if the child is sleeping in the living room is the rest of the house going off to bed at the same time with it being the main room in the house for say watching TV etc or is the child having to stay up late until the adults are done with the living room?

eve34 · 13/01/2019 19:49

It isn't ideal. Does that mean he is staying up late until the adults go to bed.

I have the same problem. Both kids sleeping in with ex and ow. But youngest was sleeping on a pile of blankets. For other reasons social services were involved and although not neglectful it was poor parenting. And we agreed over nights stopped for eldest as he found it awkward. He stopped having them both.

As it is so infrequent I would roll with it. Or buy air bed for him.

Original poster

PippilottaLongstocking · 13/01/2019 19:51

He comes back in a foul mood and seems tired so I’m assuming he stays up late, ex refuses to discuss t with me!

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PrettyPurpleDress2 · 13/01/2019 20:13

Omg why would he not sleep on the couch and give his son his bed when the kid sleeps over? What a prick.

NameWithChange · 13/01/2019 21:35

I would not be happy with this - I don't think you are either so you so need to do something about it.

My Ex did similar - final straw was my DS sleeping on the floor in his Dad's room and waking up with Dad and girlfriend in bed alongside him. I stopped overnights until he bought him a bed and made sure (he slipped a few times) he slept in a room alone.

Sounds like you might need to sort a formal access arrangement anyway?

Oh, and in my experience, If they don't put children's needs first in this way it often isn't the only thing. Keep your ears open - this man isn't acting in the child's best interests.

Good luck!

Original poster

PippilottaLongstocking · 13/01/2019 22:31

name we have a fairly new court order in place, after 6 years of him not being interested at all. He still cancels at least once a month so I’m fairly certain he only took me to court to impress his new girlfriend (who he’s introduced to DS but has never actually mentioned to me, I only know about her from his brother...)

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ILoveChristmasLights · 13/01/2019 22:41

Why doesn’t DS just sleep in with his Dad?

To be honest, if he’s not going to sort out a bed for him, one night is more than enough for as long as you can keep it that way. Not because a 6 yo sleeping on a sofa is the end of the world, but because it shows that NO ONE in that house has DS’s best interest at heart. No one has made their son, grandson or nephew a space to call his own & that would really upset & worry me.

Keep notes of everything and one day hopefully this loser will lose interest in faking being a Dad and leave you both alone.

NameWithChange · 14/01/2019 02:49

Hmm.been there too! I find new girlfriends can be useful in some ways as 'Dad' can sometimes want to impress them with their childcare skill. But it really depends what kind of person she is too. In my situation she was happy to lie in bed all morning with my ExH with my DS repeatedly going on and out to them in bed and ask for some food. Neither could be bothered to get up and 'parent' in any way.

It sounds like he may gradually lose interest so maybe wait quietly in the wings. But do record every single thing that is a concern to you. It's surprising how easy it is to forget dates and times etc.

If your DS really starts to not want to go I would be lead by him too.

Original poster

PippilottaLongstocking · 14/01/2019 22:49

zebra the 4th bedroom is a spare room with a bed (I think two actually) in it, it’s used when ex’s brothers visit but neither of them do very often. It’s very much an empty bedroom with beds that could be slept in.

name yep it’s all being written down, I expect he will lose interest soon enough, he already cancels when there’s any actual parenting to be done (dentist appointments etc)

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00Sammil00 · 05/11/2023 17:14

I find this incorrect as this is an issue for the most part with certain situations! I’m actually dealing with this now with my 11yr old son he goes to his dads every other weekend shares a couch with step brother who is a teenager and my son is miserable to the point where he is not wanting to go to his fathers anymore! He can’t get privacy, can’t sleep and it’s to the point where I don’t know what to really do! It’s ex husband (sons father) his new wife, 18 year old step sister and I believe 16 year old step son in a 2 bedroom apartment the step sister has her own room and ex husband and wife have a room! Over time with age this can be an issue where children will start causing problems and rebel best of luck

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