Ex demands while he is out sunning his stingy backside abroad

[Light11]

Hi all,

Desperately seeking opinions. I have a court order where my 4 year old lives with me and sees his dad every other weekend, visits once a week and whenever posible etc, we are at the moment amicable but we have had a very acrimonious relationship in the past so I am always actively trying to keep the peace for my little ones sake nowadays.

Ex is going out of the country and has demanded that his family have the little one over the weekend that should have been his visitation. The little one does not want to go if his dad is not there. I have told the ex his family are welcome to visit and have a cup of tea (they have done before) but I am not happy with sending him away for the weekend because he will be stressed and will want to come home and the logistics of returning him at the end are complicated and downright-not-safe (long drive back and forth after 9 hour flight + jetlag)

It also seems to me this is mainly a front from my ex to minimise the time I spend with my child so that I don't benefit from having extra time from him being away. Ex is super competitive.

Has anyone had any similar experiences?

He can "demand" all he likes. You don't have to bow to his demands.

Is expecting you to do any of the travelling?

Is this a holiday he's chosen to go on, during his contact time?

No similar experience, but surely the court order is between you and your Ex, not you and his family. That is all.

If you wish you could perhaps suggest to him that he can see your child for an extra weekend when he returns, to make up for the time he's lost whilst away.

I realise I w misunderstood the part about the flight! That's his flight back from his holiday.

But facts remain, if he's not available for contact, that's his problem. You don't have to make any alternative arrangements, either for his family to see DC, or to make up the time he has chosen to give up with his child.

Yes I totally offered to him to have extra time when he is back, it makes sense and I am not looking to antagonise him.

I agree that it is his choice to give up his weekend not sure why he is taking the "my weekend my choice" stance, the little one wants none of it.

Learning to be firm and not get caught in an argument breathe deeply

Such a relief to hear a second opinion.

btw I love the nickname!

Just tell him, you knew it was your weekend. Sorry this will not be happening.
Stop letting him dictate... Just say no.

My ex tried to do this. Except he went out the country - didn't tell me - then tried ringing the nursery and sending his mother to the nursery to collect dd.
The nursery called me and told me what he had done, so I went to collect dd and intercepted his mother.
The court order is between your child and him - not your child and his family.
If he's not there; he made that choice to forfeit his weekend. You were more than gracious offering up alternative time - I wouldn't have been that nice x

Were those his words? "My weekend, my choice"?

He has two choices. See his child or not. He has chosen not.

You may not want to antagonise him. That doesn't mean you have to offer alternatives. What does he do to keep the peace?

I mean this kindly - you need to grow a set for handling him. This is the man who is paying you below the CMS amount and tries to tell you he would prefer you not to put into into savings for your DC? Did you get any of that resolved? The underpaying, I mean. Not the savings, because that is shit all to do with him.

I am definitely in the process of growing a pair..

I have already said no and told him not to bother messaging me, he just can't handle it when I say no and don't engage in argument, its new to him.

CMS is sorted, they will finish their assessment in april 6 so they capture his true earnings, he has definitely been underpaying me, they have started up a case.

FinallyFree wow this is an eye opener, can't believe this is even a thing.

In my eyes this is just selfishness. tit for tat shit.

@Light11
I read your previous posts - your ex sounds ALOT like mine - although my dd is 7 so I've been doing this for 7 long years!

Once you start with the boundaries and saying no, he will eventually get the message, he's like a child himself he needs to know when you say no you mean it.
He has a court order - I'm assuming he can read - so that's it.
I keep sending my ex pictures of parts of our court order when he starts demanding things and I remind him to read it.

The CMS being set up will also relieve arguments - although my ex is still trying to argue about it after a year and a half but that's nothing lol

My ex of 3 years is Exactly like this I can definitely relate to this. My tummy churns every time I get a text from him and he video calls our son (4) every single day so I also have to see him and smile and grit my teeth. He lives 190 miles away and sees him school holidays only but tries dictating EVERYTHING I do and about our son.!i can't even move on with anyone as he threatens court etc. I have very high anxiety and feel constantly sick. It's an awful feeling I know. Sorry to jump on this post but how do people go about paying for court orders etc? I know he won't get what he wants which is every weekend access (when he won't even come down to see him every other weekend!) but always when we argue he threatens "let's do it legal then". It scares the hell out of me as he can talk the talk but I could never afford to go to court.

@flowerbomb99

Depending on your income / savings
The application costs £125 however this could be reduced / free if you claim certain benefits or have income under a certain threshold.
You have to try mediation first now though which in my area is £140 for an hour - paid half by each of the parents - and if you're not suitable / if one of you doesn't show up for that they give you a form to allow you to progress to court.

Thankyou, I just always wonder why I hear of horror stories like thousands and thousands of pounds??

It’s up to your ex what arrangements he puts in place during the time DS is with him. It’s really hard if your son isn’t keen but imagine if ex took him from your parents or a childminders, because you had left him with someone else during your time. Do you really want to set that precedent?

You've said no so that's the end of any discussion about it. Ignore further messages about it. If his family contact you expecting to see Ds at their house say no. The court order is nothing to do with them.

No, if it's not specified in the contact order, it really isn't.

@flowerbomb99
Because people pay for solicitors / barristers to represent them which is what takes the cost up.
If you're self representing you don't have them additional costs x

@flowerbomb99

So sorry to hear about the anxiety he is causing you. Going to court over your own children is incredibly stressful.

The thing with FaceTime/whatsapp video call is that you don't always have to pick up, if the moment is not right. I respectfully refuse to video call on some days of the week if it is not appropriate i.e. if it is too late or if the call is likely to cause upset, in those instances a phone call is more appropriate for us.. (Sometimes a video call can be unsettling for my little one, for that reason I no longer do it myself, I rather call on the phone and let the day continue than disrupt the fun with my video call)

Exs that have control issues/self esteem issues that need to feel like they have power over you and will threaten with court for the most trivial reasons. I have been to court already(I initiated it) and I still get court threats every time that we disagree on something, it does not scare me and I have been through it but he enjoys the threatening bit.

Don't tell him everything about your personal life other than what he needs to know about his child. I would also say be super careful with texting, its too easy to get carried away with long texts and arguments over text. Its not worth the stress. Once in a while switch off your phone and enjoy yourself.