Please tell me about the realities/practicalities of being a single parent

[relationshipwoes]

What’s it like having less (not enough?) money?

How do you co-parent successfully? How much interaction do you have with DC father regarding bringing up the children?

Are you lonely?

Are you happier despite the downsides?

I have a thread in relationships and I feel I need to hear the warts and all realities of what I might be heading for.

Bumping.

Sorry if my questions were annoying, but any insight/opinions would be appreciated.

Maybe single parents are too busy working and running a household to be sat around answering a post during the day - I mean than in the nicest way, and is in itself a bit of an answer to my question!

Single parent here, I work 18hrs per week, financially things are tight, however I'm a pro at budgeting - my children do lots of extra curricular sports, have nice clothes and we manage several camping holidays a year.
I'm infinitely happier alone. My children are happy and confident, they see their Dad very limited amount and have No overnights but I manage to socialise occasionally.
Life is what you make it. You'll find strength you didn't know you had.

Why are you interested? Are you pregnant and on your own? Considering leaving your partner? I think your answers will vary greatly person to person, so you might get something more specific if you give a bit more.

I'm a single mum by choice - donor sperm, IVF, never met the 'father'. My experiences will be quite different to those of someone who has left their partner or who is fighting for maintenance. I work 30 hours per week and have a family member who looks after my kid for 3 of the 4 days I work, so I've got a lot less to pay on childcare than I might have.

I am lonely, but then I was before I had my son, so that's not really a lone parent thing, more a staunch introvert thing. I'm beyond broke and that's my biggest struggle. I have help from family but am not entitled to anything off the state, and as said, there is no father and so no maintenance option. It's really shit, being this broke. I am constantly worried about how overdrawn I am, how much debt I'm in, all the things I would repair or replace if I could afford it. Money is pretty much always on my mind. I've had 3 nights away from my kid, once was an unplanned medical thing, the others were planned. I don't go out much, but then I can't really afford to, so it's no huge issue for me.

I am definitely happy with my choices, even during these painful toddler days when I'm on my own going through all the bedtime nightmares, and desperately wishing for potty training to start so I can stop spending a fortune on nappies. If I did it all again I would have saved more, and would have really made the most of my mat leave; I was back at work when he was 7 months, and that wasn't my ideal.

Practicality-wise, I missed my kid's 2 year check up because they couldn't give me an appointment on a day I didn't work. I had to send him to the doctors with a relative for his flu jab (they then had to call me because I didn't send a note of consent - something to be aware of!) I'm generally exhausted when I'm with him, and he has all the fun with other people because I'm tired and broke. This comes with a bunch of guilt at how much I'm missing.

I'm definitely happier overall than I was when I was married, however it is more stressful in many ways.

For me it's that the responsibility for absolutely everything is always on me - every single school pick up/drop off, every household chore, all 'life admin', the financial burden of being sole breadwinner (exh does pay maintenance but of course it's not enough), the responsibility of being essentially two parents in one, making all decisions alone, managing the issues the dc face alone, if I'm ill it makes no difference I have to carry on, there is no one to take over, there is no relief or let up at any time - unless I pay for childcare.

Exh has very little contact (his choice) so the dc are with me 24/7/365. I have no family nearby so that makes it hard. I also have a stressful job.

Yes it is lonely sometimes, particularly in the evenings when the dc are in bed, or over the school holidays when I work from home and I can go days without other adult contact. Holidays away are lonely and can be more stressful.

However, the plus side of exh not being interested is that I don't have to deal with co-parenting issues really as he just leaves me to deal with everything.

As the dc are getting older it is getting easier in some ways as they can help more with chores and friends often comment that my dc are much more capable/responsible/helpful than theirs are - by necessity to be able to cope I have had to have them doing basic chores from an early age.

The three of us are a close knit family and it can be lovely having time together, again it's better as they're getting older.

I do find socialising difficult - I always have to pay babysitters and that puts me off doing casual get togethers etc. I always have to go to events etc alone and that can be hard particularly as I'm an introvert.

Managing the dc's upset and emotional stress as a result of exh's attitude to them is difficult as well and you always have to maintain a positive attitude about their dad (even when you're furious with him) as well as supporting them.

I think a huge amount depends on your personal set up, how much time your exh will have the dc, what the relationship with him will be like, how much family support, what your work/house/school set up is or will be. I do have good friends to talk to which helps.

Before I left exh I spent a lot of time working out and planning finances and practicalities - how would I manage school drop offs etc, where would I need to live in order to make work/school etc work.

Despite the stress and hardship sometimes I'm so glad I made the decision to leave and I wish I'd done it earlier.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Thank you for the replies. I am married with pre-teen DCs. Think I may be heading for a split. No abuse or affairs, just both seem to have fallen out of love and maybe realising we are not right for each other despite being basically “decent” people individually.

Hence its not an obvious/easy decision to split and I thought hearing the stark reality of single parenting may make me either think, yeah, I could do that, or shit, I need to dig deep somehow with the relationship, or dare I say, just coast a while longer until I have the strength to go through with a split.

I am much happier than I was in my relationship. No regrets about leaving. Dealing with ex is difficult but that's because he was/is abusive. Finances are difficult. I miss my DC when they are with ex. If you are single with small children you can find you are stuck at home a lot in the evenings. You don't have the option to even nip to the shop etc. I have no complaints really though. I would recommend it versus being in a shit relationship.

Thank you whitemarble that’s useful. My situation is slightly different in that I feel like I do a lot of the life admin and running around (H is away with work quite a lot). I do work part time so would have to increase hours I would think.

I think H would be hands on as his work commitments would allow, he’s a good Dad.

I'm much much happier post-divorce. I'm earning quadruple what I was as I now have more confidence in myself. I'm fortunate in that my ex and myself have worked hard to develop a good co-parenting relationship, so we do help each other out where we can. This means that I can attend work abroad when necessary and he can go on his annual boys holiday, and we cover for each other. We also help each other generally, as mates. I have a boyfriend so I don't get lonely (although he lives 4 hours away), I also get much more time with my friends when my kids are visiting their dad. House is tidier and I feel more in control of my own life. All in, one of the best steps I ever made. Glad to be out.

There are so many variables. My ex worked away 10 weeks at a time. And I was the one who did all the childcare and life admin.

He left me. And my judgement is coloured by that. And how he has behaved since. I have had no money from him for five months. Cms are taking months to sort it.

He has mis handled the whole situation with the children and moved in with ow weeks after leaving. And expecting the children. To slot into the new 'family model with ease.

Although he has had months to check out and emotionally detach. The children and I hadn't. So they aren't going over night anymore and eldest is refusing to go

I am broke. The children are emotionally struggling and I'm holding it together for them. I have some good friends. But don't socialise. As I need to find £30 before I leave the door for a baby sitter. And I can't justify that

The mental load and responsibility is exhausting. And I did it all before. But I was part of a team. Financially and emotionally. Someone to discuss things with and deal with some tasks.

Currently the boiler is about to pack up. The tumble drier isnt drying and I have a leak under the sink. These are the tasks I struggle to deal with. And can't put source as that costs money.

But we have a roof over our heads. It's is currently warm And food in the cupboards.

I wouldn't wish what I have on anyone. But that is due to the current circumstances. I am sure co parenting on an equal footing with a reasonable person would make the situation very different

Oddly, I have more money. Since ex went, all the bills have reduced. Food & drink bill has more than halved.fewer things get broken.
I’m less stressed, Get fewer colds, can relax, we are generally happier. A lot less cleaning to do. And when things are booked, they stay booked. No more last minute changes to plans.

The down sides are, there is no-one to fetch medicine if I’m ill, or look after dc while I nip to the shop. And the mental strain of having to plan for absolutely everything & make all the decisions is tiring.

@eve34 your situation sounds tough and I completely see how H leaving you would colour things differently. I’m sorry you’re struggling and H has not been decent about things. Life is very unfair sometimes. I hope things look up for you soon remember you deserve happiness and respect.

Money is tight, but tbh, XH was quite controlling with money, so I'm no worse off personally! At least I am the one making the decisions, even if they are sometimes hard ones to make. I got to stay in the house with the DCs, which was important to me at the time, but I know plenty of divorced mums who have moved and made a totally new life for themselves in a new house and are really happy with that too.

I enjoy having an evening off each week when the DCs visit their dad. It's one night when I don't have to cook dinner or worry about them, I can just switch off and properly relax. They don't often go to stay with him anymore though, after 7 years his home situation is complicated so he comes here and hangs out with them while I go out for the evening with my BF for dinner, cinema etc. The first time he had them I cried all evening and couldn't believe he was so unfair that he though he could have them TWO nights a week! Now, I'd give anything for my nights off back again

We co-parent reasonably well, he pays maintenance at the agreed rate, which with his decent salary does contribute a good amount to my monthly finances. It does piss me off that he has so little to worry about - he goes off to work abroad or on holiday without so much as a backward glance and I regularly point out to him that the only reason he can do that is because I'm always here, looking after his DCs, but it doesn't sink in. He's just very self-centred, hence being an ex!

I met my BF a few months after splitting with XH. Most of my worries these days come from that relationship rather than mourning the loss of the old one. Dating when you both have DCs and exes can be tricky, so if you want an easy life, stay on your own! However, dating can be a great way to find who you are apart from mum/wife etc and actually feel like a human being again. Having been a SAHM I had totally lost my identity and meeting people and talking about myself without the DCs being involved was actually quite liberating - XH and I had got into the habit of everything being about home and kids, whereas when you meet someone new, your world becomes a little bit bigger.

I thoroughly recommend divorce to anyone who asks Being in an unhappy relationship is so much more lonely than being on your own. I'd sampled single mum life while XH was working away a lot and realised that I much preferred it when he wasn't here.

Its going to be different for everyone. Money is tight for me as ex doesnt pay a penny in maintenance (not working or claiming benefits) I have 4 small children and ex doesnt see them (through choice) so yes its very hard and very lonely and no im not happy. So like I said different for everyone

@relationshipwoes Thank you for your kind thoughts. It isn't easy. But I'm blessed with family near by.

I know at some point I will look back and know we are all better off this way.

I grew up in a separated family. And although I was sad about it. It did me no harm.

I hope you find your way and have supportive people around you.

@BlueKarou

Presumably you’re not in the UK?

@Kikipost
I am in the UK, never lived abroad. Curious as to what made you think I wasn't?

* I have help from family but am not entitled to anything off the state, *

And you say you’re broke

Really?

I am a single parent
I work 24 hours a week
I am entitled to fairly extensive state financial support.
You must earn a very decent salary as a single parent not to have any state benefit at all (not even child benefit means you earn more than £60k)
And so I’m baffled that you have no childcare costs, not entitled to any state benefit because of presumably too high salary and still broke.

That’s why I presumed not in UK

Sorry you have very little children are costs rather than none at all

But to be “beyond broke” but not entitled to a penny in state benefits as a single parents means you’re on a very health salary!

I'm on a fairly average salary for my location (£30k in the home counties, for the sake of clarity), but all the benefits calculators etc don't take into account my outgoings; mortgage payments and loan repayments and credit card repayments, all of which I am very slowly paying back, and not adding to.

I do get child benefit, sorry to confuse things - I forgot that wasn't an automatic thing. I've just not been very good at managing my money pre-child. I get that a lot of this is a result of lifestyle choices I have made. I also get that I'm better off than many people and have been lucky to have been able to get on the property ladder. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm in my overdraft by mid month every month. I'm not expecting to receive any benefits just so I can pay off my own debts, but was just saying that the key thing I've taken from my experience of being a single parent has been a constant lack of money.

£30k Home Counties
Single parent

Trust me - you are entitled to more benefits than child benefit. A lot more. Your choose whether you take them or not. But your post focussed on how unhappy you are because of how utterly broke you are. This might ease things for you.

Well that's the sprig of hope I needed this week. I'll take another look at the calculators. Is there anything in particular I should be looking for?

(Sorry OP for the post hijack!)

Seriously I promise you that you are entitled.

There’s three calculators. Pick any one. Will take you ten mins maximum

I've tried Entitled To and Turn To Us. Both say I'm not entitled to anything other than child benefit. Neither have taken into account my loans/debts. I'm not terribly surprised about that, as I'm sure I looked into this when I was pregnant - before increasing my loan debt.

I'll definitely be teaching my kid to avoid getting into debt wherever possible. 15% of my post-tax income is immediately going into paying these things off. The credit card is still interest free and I'll keep moving it to make the most of 0 interest deals, but the bank loan isn't. At least I should save a little next term once free childcare hours kick in.

BlueKarou it might be worthwhile contacting a debt charity like Stepchange as there are non-bankruptcy pathways for dealing with problem debts these days that may help.

You earn £30k
You are a single parent
You have limited but some child care costs

Do you have savings over £16k? That’s only the only reason you wouldn’t get help.

I am a single parent
I earn £24k for 24 hours
I have limited but some childcare costs
I don’t have savings over £16k

And I receive £100s of pounds a month in Tax credits