Ex partner asking for lots of contact

[Cameron20]

So i split up with my ex in nov 2018 reasons as he is very manipulative and emotionally abusive. I was and still am main caregiver to our 13month old son, i got up through the night, got him to sleep, fed him, bathed him , played with him, took him playgroups, made all doc apps, stayed up at night with him, my ex partner worked 4 nights on 4 off, and even on the off days he hardly bothered, he took him out once on his own, when i went out or had a bath my son would cry the whole time i was away from him, my ex would ring me to tell me. He was very controlling, wanted to know everything that had happened that day would text me all night while at work and ring me at least 4 times.
So since we split he has seen our son a few times on his own and a few with me. 2 times his nappy has been that full its leaked through into his clothes, he dad said he had changed his nappy half an hour before hand!! My son is really clingy when he is back home cries when i leave the room. He doesnt get his proper sleep as my ex cant get him to sleep, he cries for me. The only time he sleeps is on the bus home. My ex cant drive he has asked me to drop my son off a few times and calls me evil if i dont. Now hes seen him for 4 hours in 2 weeks his own choice, now he is asking to see him for 3 days hes off and over night stays. Ive tried to be reasonable and say you know how clingy he is to me and you have never got him to sleep etc. The problem is my ex has no friends and basically all he does is work and sit at home so he is trying to fill the void with having his son, ive told him he needs to build up our sons bond with him so he can be consoled by him. When he was here my son would wake in the night and my ex could never console him i left him a few times for half an hour and he screamed the house down, as soon as i got hold of him he shut up and went to sleep. Now my ex knows all this but he is calling me evil and nasty, a liar, saying the law says i cant keep him from his son. Which i know but all i want is consistancy and for our son to feel settled and secure. My ex just keeps saying its his rights! He has also in the past threatened to take him from me so that scares me too. Any advice would be appreciated, should i go see a solicitor??

Yes do go and see a solicitor - you can get the first 30minute appointment free with some of them. The court's job is to decide what's in the best interests of the child so they won't be too impressed by his parenting approach. I reckon he's just trying to frighten you - more of the EA that you had to cope with when you were together. Might also be worth talking to Women's Aid - they really know their stuff and I'm sure they will be able to put your mind at easy. And it's his responsibility to come and pick up his son once contact hours are agreed. You don't have to drive your son over to him. You were strong enough to leave. Stay strong now! With a bit of luck he'll get bored and disappear from your lives.

Thanks so much for your help.
I just cant deal with it anymore. The abuse i get over text calling me a liar then saying hows he meant to bond with him, i reply so in the year you were with him why havent you bonded? He then replies well i have bonded. He contradicts himself.
The first time he had him he text me for over 4 hrs callng me nasty names, saying i cheat i beg for mens attention. Far from it my kids are my life. I do what i do for them and thats make sure they are loved safe and secure at home. I have 3 older children that he was so vile to. He never let them play with the baby, they all adore him and he does them. My 14 yr old has bathed my youngest more in the last 6 weeks than his dad in a whole year!!
His dad woke up once to him and he wudnt settle i walked into him screaming at him.
When he got angry i would leave the room and he would follow me and wouldnt leave me alone, once he did he would punch doors/walls.
He acts like a dad when people are around when they arnt i do it all. Even my friends and family have said hes controlling and he is manipulative. He tried to alienate people away from me.
My son is so attached to me, he is permantley at my feet, he kisses and cuddles me. When he wants a sleep he gets on my knee and lies on my chest. He has never done this to his dad, he just doesnt have that bond.
I keep tellng him you cant expect to take him away from everything he knows just because you want him. It takes time and you need to build time up, but all i get is abuse its like he thinks the total opposite to me! Yet when we were together he said "you deal with him you know he only wants you", so i said how is that changed just because your not here?
Im thinking of my son i dont want him to be upset when im not around, my ex has had him once at his home the rest of the time its been days out so obv my son is happy. Hes kept busy. One of the times my ex said im taking him out near yours as i cba getting bus back to mine. I said not my fault you dont drive, he does have a motorbike that i have told him to come on and lock at mine but he wont. So its his choice to take 2 hrs to get to mine on a bus rather than 25 mins on a bike. But again im nasty as i wont ferry him around.
Im at the end of my tether now

Have you got any support OP? Family? Friends? Sounds as if you could really do with someone to talk to in real life. Meanwhile I suggest you go no contact as far as possible. Tell him that you'll block him if he continues to abuse you by text. Only respond to reasonable messages otherwise delete and ignore. You decide what you feel is reasonable contact given the fact that your son is young and gets distressed if he's away from you. Do what's right for your son - as you've always done. Ask the solicitor to help you if necessary and keep it as formal as possible.
So lovely to hear that your toddler's siblings are now able to bond with him. Hope you are proud of yourself for taking the first steps to keep them all safe.

Thanks so much for your support and encouragement, i do have friends and famiy and talk to them they all say the same as you. Im such a push over i start to feel sorry for him, but then he just gets nasty again. I have tried to be adult about it all but he just texts me abuse stuff saying ita his his right to see his son, its also my sons right to feel secure and not anxious. His dad should have been around more for him when we were together then i wouldnt have the problem i have now with it all.
I will always make sure its all in my sons best interest he is a baby and cant speak for himself, im his mother and will protect him and do the best for him 😊

I really wish i had known then what I do now regarding attachment.

My ex knows exactly what my son is like so should understand

Thanks for listening 😊

You should let him see his son more often.

Why is it that ever time man wants more time with children he's just doing it because he's a "bastard" or he "doesn't want to pay maintenance"? How is it "abusive" to say it's his right to see his own son? It IS his right.

Hes an abusive person, hes not abusive to ask for more time!
He acts like dad of the year, when i send him pics of our son that he asks for he doesnt say anything about our son instead he wants to know where ive been who with and when!! He hates the fact that i go out, as i have said he has nothing else in his life he has no friends to see or family he bothers with so when he is off work he is trying to fill the time with our son, thats as and when he wants to. I want routine for our son as thats what babies thrive off, not a dad that picks and chooses days and times then gets abusive when he doesnt get them, im not putting my life on hold waiting to hear when he wants to see our son! I also do alot with him, playgroups messy play etc , he infact does nothing like that, he walks round shops as he says "cba", our son also has never been cared for by his dad as i did it all , as his words were "he prefers you, so you do it" so whats changed just because we are not together?? Why should i put up with a load of abuse when my ex doesnt get his own way?? Up until now hes come and go as he pleases i have infact tried to sort times and days to be met with no ill come when i want and bring him back when i want, so you tell me why i should put up with that????

Oh and maintenance it was him that again argued about giving it me! Ive not even mentioned maintenance, its him as a person and dad that im more concerned about. Its not every parents right to see their kids as there are always back stories to each and every situation so it shouldnt be generalised!!!!!

gcemb don't bother trying to defend yourself against Guest. If he truly cared about your son he wouldn't have been horrible to his siblings and he would be mature about seeing him with you whilst pre-verbal.

Some people need to think before writing hahaha

So its got worse ive had problems with my older son and hes been hospitalised, my ex knows this and is causing problems by not bringing baby back at correct times so i can go see my son in hosp. This morn he chose to come early instead of 10am, my son was still asleep i was told "get him up and ready" again i said he will be ready for 10, he replied stop trying to lay the law down, get him.ready. my son has now cried the last 2 times he has gone with his dad and yesterday he ate crisp and chocolate as my ex said he wont eat i said try something else he replies im not wasting food,!! So now i have decided as well as being told off a solicitor to withdraw contact.