Becoming a single parent

[Patriciafr]

Hello I’m thinking of splitting up but at the same time I’m terrified so I have been putting it off. My kids and myself would need to move out as it belongs to my partner, at this point do I get a part time job or full time as I know the council can only provide for so much, I’m also studying, so I’ll have to ditch it unfortunately. Help!

Take one thing at a time. How old are your children? Are you in a universal credit area.

Have a look at the turn2u website. They have a benefit calculator there. This will tell you how much you will get. Depending on the age of the children you maybe able to stay studying.

Council accommodation is in high demand but some areas I believe are less so. Housing association accommodation is more secure and cheaper than private rent.

Just do some home work. And don't forget to calculate maintenance you will be entitled to from the children's father.

Hello Eve34.
Many thanks, I have tried turn2u website a number of times, to do hypothetical calculations, obviously I haven’t put into account maintenance. But I presume I would have to get a job regardless to top up on anything, I wouldn’t know how to combine coursework and this.
It isn’t easy, I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to go through this ordeal.

Forgot to say, my boys age are 12 and 8 years old.

Just take one day at a time. The children's father will need to pay 16% of his salary toward the up keep of the children.

Thanks very much for your advice.

BY the way, are you a single parent Eve34?

Yes unfortunately. Kids dad left me a year ago. Been a bumpy year. And in universal credit area so got stung there. I work 24 hours a week. My son is autistic so work round school hours. Ex stopped paying child support in the summer and it has taken nearly six months. But have been promised I should see some money at the end of this month.

It's been hard. I'm lucky I have a very supportive family around me. And some good friends.

I didn't want this though.

So sorry to hear, it’s good you have support though. My family dont live near me, otherwise things would be different. My mum lives on the Isle of Wight and my dad in Spain.

If you are in universal credit you don’t get as much right?

My dad is in Spain too. It was great I could get the kids away. But had family with me. We went twice last year. And really made a difference to all of us to be able to have a holiday. Pissed ex right off. 😀. Even though his income is twice mine and poss three times with ow income. We got away whilst he is in a rented room in shared flat.

Yes if he had left a few weeks before we would of got tax credits. Which would of been about £400 more.

Whereabouts are you? We are in Hampshire.

Surrey. Wow! Is your dad Spanish? I’m half Spanish/English, my mum is English.
You should get tax credit if you are working, I suppose it’s all tide up under one umbrella with the universal credit.
I think of the kids, don’t know what’s best really.

No. They went out there a few years ago. My step mothers parents have been out there forty odd years. So they have gone out to be there them.

You clearly have your reasons to be thinking of leaving. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. Although ex and I weren't in a good place. I still loved him and what we had. He went looking and found someone else. I was never going to be able to compete with someone so much younger than me. And also free of kids to be spontaneous.

I hope it works out for them. It destroyed me and my eldest. But life goes on. And I just need to keep moving forward.

That’s awful, I’m very sorry, it is hard to learn to forgive but it’s the best you can do for yourself. In my situation, I don’t know if I love him.
You don’t have family near you at the moment? Like me. I don’t find that easy, I have to travel to the Isle of Wight once in a while, I see my mum every 3 weeks. At least I get to see her.
My real concern is money and my mental health, as I will rely on me Only. I do like the idea in the long run of not be in a relationship, nagged at, compromising... just me and my boys.

Sure you will find the right path for you.

I'm a believer in everything happening for a reason

The enormity of being on your own is hard. Having just had 2 hour battle getting my youngest to stay in bed. Because I refused to go to bed with her. But I also know I need to set them the best example I can.

I made some new friends who are single mums too that helped just having that contact. And my employer has been amazing. Even when I have been doing a bit of a rubbish job. But my mental well being has taken a bashing. As has my eldest. I am certain that ex did not for one moment think it would be like this. He really thought I would just shake his hand and he could come and go as he wished. And we would be good friends still. But I'm sure at the time he was having his own issues. But that is not my concern any more.

Have you spoke to your dp about how your feeling. I felt most aggrieved that although he always complained on and off I wasn't 'fun' anymore. He never laid it on the line to me. And I didn't get the opportunity to show him I would of turned myself inside out for him. Although I shouldn't of had too. He should of loved me besides my failings. Because I still loved him even with his.

Sorry I digress. What I have learnt is of course everyone has the right to be happy. And if this isn't making you happy you should do all you can to be so. Children are resilient. And will adapted. You need to do the right thing for you.

You are si right! Yes my worry was my kids becoming traumatised but on the other hand like you said, they could adapt, and a parent or two parents happy is better than what goes on when thet are together.
My aim is to get a small job, I work as a volunteer at the moment too and unfortunately they don’t offer part time.
What is it that you do with such an understanding boss?

I work for a charity. Working with vulnerable adults in the community. Been there a long time. They have been very good to me this year. But I do need to pull my finger out and sort my shit out.

Hope you have some good people around you. It helps to talk things through. Or maybe see if you can get some counselling. I found a charity locally that only charged £10 a hour. And that helped as a sounding board.

I has no idea about charities that offer councelling! I work as a volunteer in a day centre with people with physical and learning disabilities. It helps me, I find it therapeutic. Pity they don’t offer few hours Work.
Did you start as a volunteer?

Are you at uni?

Yes, part time.