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Original poster

Constantly feel like a crap parent

8 replies

Newtothis83 · 31/12/2018 14:47

How do you deal with an exdh who constantly puts you down about your parenting?! I can normally rise above it but it’s been nearly 5 years now and it’s wearing me down and I’m constantly anxious about what he’s going to come up with next.

He has decided the kids are overweight and it’s my fault so has taken to grilling them every visit and pointing out the nutritional value of everything I serve and why it’s so bad. I’ve asked him to stop but he just tells me his fiancé is on slimming world and they know about nutrition.

He’s also decided the kids are thick (he’s told them this) and has downloaded them apps they have to complete between visits with additional work alongside their normal homework. If he feels they haven’t done enough then he threatens to make them live with him.

These are just a few recent examples, there are many many more I would be here for days. How do I tell him to shove it?! He’s a classic narcissist and nothing he ever does is wrong so we can’t ever have a reasonable conversation about it.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 31/12/2018 14:57

How old are the kids? I ask because hopefully it won't be too long before they can choose not to go and visit him. He sounds awful! Re their weight though...are they overweight? If they are, then his concerns would be valid...the app thing might not be so bad if framed positively...but threatening them with having to live with him! No!

Original poster
Newtothis83 · 31/12/2018 15:15

The kids are 6, 8 and 12. The oldest has filled out a little but is going through puberty so it’s puppy fat on her tummy. We’ve sat down and done the bmi calculator and for her height she’s actually in the ideal weight range.

None of this was ever a problem and he was happy with my parenting until I got into a relationship (was single for 4 years because he didn’t want me introducing anyone to the kids).

I know it’s all a control thing and if it was anyone else telling me this about their ex I would be outraged. I just can’t seem to let it wash over me.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 31/12/2018 15:23

Just keep reassuring them they won't ever have to go and live with him and telling them how clever they are.

He sounds like a right nob. Sorry he's being like this.

Starlight456 · 31/12/2018 15:57

I would do 2 things

Telll him he doesn’t get to decide what they do at your house.

I would tell them they are bright and clever.

Tell him he is damaging the children’s self esteem .

redexpat · 31/12/2018 16:27

Is this contact court ordered?

I would keep a diary of every comment he makes to the kids along these lines. It may be useful when they no longer want to go. If it went to court you would have plenty of evidence of emotional abuse.

I would google grey rock and practice that - ie not engage with him.

If his fiance knew anything about nutrition she wouldnt need to be on SW in the first place would she?

redexpat · 31/12/2018 16:30

And in order to make you feel better about YOUR parenting: what do you consider good parenting to be? Can you work out a way to numerise it? eg I have a goal of 2 family outings per month. I also save money for the DC each month. And read to them both every night.

Youbrokemytwatometer · 01/01/2019 17:46

What a twat! He is emotionally abusing your children.

How are the kids doing at school? I'd sack off the apps for a start, especially at 6 and 8. His approach is disgusting. Does he attend parents night, etc? How often do the kids see him?

enidlowrij · 16/01/2019 21:36

Calling children fat and stupid is mental abuse. Maby talk to school teacher they could refer it? Also seriously evern without twatbag exs there is so much pressure on padrents today. So much that parents with jobs are actualy spending double the time with their children that they did a hundred years ago withput jobs. We put a huge amount of pressure on ourselves. Me included id take my sosn to baby sensory, water babies, singing massage ect read a billion books to him breastfed exc co slept literally a walkign zombie constantly googlinf and putting pressure onmyself and my ex still found space to complain eventhough my life with my son was an actual musical but any scratch anything it was a straight accusation that i wasnt watching him. Sorry he has nails jackass. But anyway pay no attention to him trying to belittle you. And teach your children positive body image and also affirmations. There is truth in your tounge. There arw also courses about understanding abuse directed towards male abusers which ypu could call and try and refer him to. Things like those courses that show the actual effect mental abuse has on your organs ect and how your more likely to have heart disoes ect ACES adverse childhood experiences. They are eye openers.

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