***ing XH the lazy selfish git

[DointItForTheKids]

Just needing to vent. I struggle with injustice in general but after 11 YEARS of being separated/divorced, to say it starts to heavily grate on me would be rather a large understatement.

XH agreed to see his DD (and mine (obvs ha ha!) age 16) since he hadn't seen her for 6 months (that gives an indication of the type of 'man' we're dealing with here, she goes for months and months without seeing him despite her desire, often expressed to him, that she wants to see him).

He clearly messages her saying 'he can't leave the house on boxing day as he'll be preparing the dinner' so if I can 'drop her' (a 120 mile 4 hour round trip) he'll (and I quote) "we will get DD back to [name of the exact town we live in]".

Now since I drove all the way (and in light of the fact that I've had no child support for 7 months I thought me saying yes ok I'll bring her down to you, was a pretty generous offer), it seemed to me that this was a case of a reciprocal arrangement, I'll drop her there to your door, you'll drop her back here to her door. So it satisfied me on those ground because it was fair at least.

Not only is this a case of what is fair, but it's also that I was only happy with this arrangement because DD finds travel, on trains particularly, REALLY stressful. She has anxiety and has had near panic attacks on the train before.

He comes in to DD in her room to say "oh we'll get you home on the train". Now, he doesn't know her, he doesn't know anything about her, so when he says "yeah train, that ok?". She says yes because she feels rather pressured*. Then she texts me and I reach apoplectic immediately because this is the LAST thing she needs.

He is proposing that a 16 year old (leaving aside the anxiety for a moment) should travel home unaccompanied by THREE trains and TWO CHANGES OF TRAIN - how can he think that's ok when it's dark by 3pm?

He SHOULD be dropping her back, like he indicated on his text to her.

So I start texting saying whoah mate, this isn't what we agreed, it's not safe, she gets travel anxiety (you wouldn't know that but she does) and do you care that she's just messaged me in tears in her room because she's being coerced into taking the train (because you you lazy bastard can't be arsed to drive her back)? He doesn't reply, doesn't reply. I phone him, it goes to voicemail.

In the background he's coming up with a totally fucking convoluted hair-brained scheme to send her older brother with her (purely as a chaperone) and I'm told oh yes DS is coming back with her as well - WHAT?!!! Now don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely delighted to see him - I love him to bits BUT: 1. I'm in the middle of completely redecorating his room and he has no mattress no lamps no bedside table, nothing 2. I also have a family and what am I supposed to do now, cancel my plans to go up to see them because of course if I still go instead of staying at home to welcome my much loved but totally unexpected guest, I'm the evil bitch mom who 'hates her son'!

I mean, he's using his son to travel with DD for two reasons and two reasons only - one fake reason that it was too expensive to drive up which is bollocks, it's much more expensive by train but much more so the real reason is because he is so under the thumb of his effing wife that he is literally scared to make a journey or leave the house without her express permission!! So they got me to drive down there all those miles yesterday on the understanding they would drop her back (which was the only reason I could contemplate 4 hours of driving and putting all those miles on my car). And they clearly had no intention of anyone bringing her back.

Apparently he says to DD 'he can't afford to bring her back in the car as he's been out of work' - yeah, you've been out of work during which time you've not had to pay a penny in CM and during which I've not received a penny in CM but have had all the same costs and outgoings as I ever have. He's so fucking dishonest with her when he makes these excuses it makes my blood boil. Weak men - I swear to God, they are the worst because they have no backbone, no gumption, no fucking sense of what is right and wrong, fair and unfair.

Just so fucking fed up of having to deal with this utter bellend who's terrified of pissing off his wife or ever standing up for his own DD. Utter utter wanker.

And then it's difficult because I don't want to stress DD about by going off on one so I can't vent to her albeit she knows, she says well Step'mum' is still working, you've only got one salary Mum so I don't see how they can have no money - she gets it anyway. The pathetic twat ignoring texts is just the icing on the cake - what a stupid little baby who can't make an adult-based arrangement about his own child but has to hide and develop stupid idiotic plans in the background that involve all other people putting themselves out instead of him, the father. I have to eat this shit just in order to try and get poor DD to have SOME contact with her pathetic dad who of course she loves and wants to spend time with, and in the course of that repeatedly get treated like absolute dirt in the process, not one jot of respect whatsoever, like at most a chauffeur or a butler or a hotel. He is an absolute cunt and I don't use that word often, or lightly.

Christ, we divorced in 2007 and this shit is STILL going on!

• = trust me, I have had words with her on this and other examples of where she needs to learn to stand up for herself so I'm actively discouraging her current apathy in this area, but that won't change until the penny drops that she is worth it and she deserves to be treated properly and should stand up for herself at such times - that will come in time (soon I hope!!) but it puts her in such an awkward position when it's her dad putting her in that awkward position

Well, rant over. I literally don't even know how I can hope to successfully support her in more regular contact with her dad as we're dealing with totally selfish and intractable thinking and it's not going to improve.

Anyone else had severe Xmas contact/travel issues with their Xs? It can't just be me, I'm sure of it.

His family certainly sound very unhinged. I hated arguments as a child. I understand as an adult that sometimes you need to say what's on you're mind and things get said but not when the kids are around. The fact he doesn't see her for months and then can't take her home speaks volumes unless he had a really good reason not to which doesn't sound like he did. My step daughter had an issue travelling alone when she was younger, not so much now.

Hi western. Yes. I thought they were great when I first met them, prob because my family is really really small and it sounds like they were going at DCousin with excessive strength. Poor girl.

They tried to say my DD needed therapy once (obviously I told them in no uncertain terms where to shove it). Whilst she might benefit from therapy due to the damage they've done to her and what we can now clearly see is one f*cked up family dynamic, she doesn't in and of herself need therapy - the people who need therapy are them! They are indeed heading over the hill into fully unhinged. They were pressuring her to make a decision about something whilst she's obviously upset

I could actually see this family finding a female (it wouldn't be a male, it would always be a female) insane and in need of locking up in acute mental health care, I honestly could. It's easier to label it as anxiety or depression and push the blame for that onto the sufferer, than to say, hey, is there something that we're doing wrong as a family, hmmmm... They're in their own family bubble of delusion where they actually think they've got it all taped and everyone is happy and all is hunky-dory. This weekend has shown me that there's a whole quite dangerous situation there and from someone who once strangled by now XH, I'm not happy leaving my DD in him and grandma's care if I'm not there (which I wouldn't be, they obviously hate me) because I can see how so easily it could go from a verbal argument (clearly both grandma and GP are quite happy to reduce young girls to tears) into physical chastisement.

We will let her reboot and settle back into home life here and then we'll need to have a clear discussion about all of this as whilst we've hitherto tried to balance her need for contact against the already very off dynamic, I think things have taken enough of a significant turn for the worse that I'm not sure it's appropriate for her to stay either in her father's home but even more so, not in her GPs home as I'm honestly not sure what could happen.

That is so sad.

I hope your DD can see that if she has less to do with her dad & his family it will be her taking control of her life, rather than withdrawing through fear.

Oh come on, mummylife2018, how would anyone get snatched in an airport?!? Not that I wish to make op more anxious, but train stations are a lot less salubrious!

Sympathies, op, he sounds a complete knob. Thank god he is an ex.

It sounds like you have a good sense of humour (op) Essential I've found. Have you talked to friends and family about this. Sadly for your daughter it doesn't sound like she will be visiting him again in the near future.

definitely western but I'm afraid I was reduced to livid and agog after all the various elements of yesterday's shenanigans. I have a brother who is a gentle soul and seeing him some time before new year so will discuss with him.

I honestly don't think it will be possible for DD to visit him at his house other than if it's always me dropping her 2 hours there and picking her up 2 hours back - and I'm sorry I can't be wonderwoman, I've got quite a demanding full time job at the moment and I won't be able to do that for her plus, I can't afford the fuel to keep doing that - what, to send her somewhere where no one understand her, listens to her, no. And that means that that type of contact won't happen.

As for DD staying at her GPs ever again, I just can't condone it after I've heard what I've heard has happened with DCousin today being forced onto medication she doesn't want - I'm actually so worried for DCousin and wonder where her father was in all of this because he was there - did he not stop his parents (her GPs) from shouting at her and if not, why not? Did he authorise for his DD to be put onto anti depressants? I just think it's awful. The more I think about it the more chilling it is really. Maybe there are benefits to being the least favourite of the two female grandkids because right now at least I know my DD is able to withdraw to home life with myself - DCousin is kinda stuck with flaky Dad, weird family and what I would consider abusive GPs.

I'm just incredulous at this point.

In years gone by I used to do the picking up and dropping off but most of the time I was happy to and it was a 50 mile round trip which not nearly as far as you. Dm me if you want to vent some more.

Bless you *western, I really appreciate that.

I did half way EOW for 9 years I think without fail - god knows how but there you go!! I was happy to do it too and was the one who said we'll meet half way as it seemed only fair, I'd had to move away so.

Ask for some petrol money if you have to do all the transport.

Could DCousin visit DD at yours sometimes, also? (It seems weird that a doctor would hand out anti-depressants at a moment's notice.)

He'd never give petrol money (you're acting like he's half decent and he wants to see his daughter and I'll do anything to see her he won't). He's one of the tightest man you've ever met. He feels I should never need money for anything because of all the money that he "gives" me - like child maintenance is a gift he bestows rather than a basic financial responsibility. except, when you add up the now three times he's failed to pay it which equates to probably 14 months without support since we divorced where in essence I supported him financially if you can see what I mean he's certainly not going to worry about my petrol costs or any cost at all. that was just one of the aspects of why I was so incredibly angry because it's ok for me to spend my money on petrol and my time driving hundreds of miles and putting miles on my car but then he didn't do it in return and it really really annoys me.

Yes we will see if their dear cousin can come to us thats certainly already in my mind but that's difficult cos she lives further away from us than XH does but I'm very happy to try to make that work if it's possible.

I agree the whole doctor thing just seems very very of. I'm quite sure if we went to my local GP with my daughter I said I want her put on antidepressants they'd say why I want a minute what does she want are you sure it's a big step.... I honestly don't know what's going on there but a while back rather ex husband said that he had taken out private insurance 4 my dear daughter and dear son. Maybe they saw a doctor privately or they already have a doctor I don't know whatever has happened she has been given several months supply of antidepressants. there can be a negative aspect to being the favourite person can't there because if the grandparents are paying for all sorts of stuff for her which they probably are which they don't pay for for my daughter they can also threaten to take those things away if she doesn't comply with them can't they and I wonder if she's somehow been coerced into saying yes I'll go onto antidepressants, I don't know I'm guessing now.

It sounds pretty awful all round.
At least you and your daughter aren't too closely involved with them all.