ExP staying over on Christmas Eve

[Shylo]

Quick back story - we split up 3.5 years ago, very acrimoniously at first. His behaviour over that period was pretty emotionally volatile but we’ve managed to get past it and now get on well, attending school stuff together, he drops by to see the kids for tea sometimes and, specifically, we all spend Christmas Day together (with my family - his is another story!). He is completely happy with the Christmas arrangements and has never wanted the children to stay at his for Christmas, he’s rather they stayed at home and he came to see them.

This year his girlfriend is away and so he is alone on Christmas Eve and so he and my DS (who is almost 9) have asked if he can stay over tonight so he can be there when the kids wake up tomorrow (we also have a DD who is 11).

What do I do?

I don’t want him to stay - it’s my home, I want to relax after the kids have gone to bed and not be sat watching TV with my ex in some bizarre flash back to Christmas past. Plus, he can always always turn a situation to being about him and I am very anxious that at some point he will get maudlin about missing us all and wishing he was still here - he insists he won’t but it always used to be the pattern and I don’t want him staying over to spoil Christmas Day.

On the other hand it might all be ok and my son so wants his dad to stay because he has a vision of his dad being here as soon as he wakes up and us all doing presents together. My DD is less fussed as she clearly remembers that when her dad was here he never used to get up straight away anyway, there was lots of ‘in a minute’ and ‘after my coffee’

I’ve currently said no and my ExP says it’s fine if I don’t want to but I feel mean - should I let him stay for one night?

Can he just turn up in the morning instead? You'd get your evening and ds would have dad there to open presents. Im guessing there's a reason for staying over? Too far away?

No, he can come early in the morning and be awake enough to participate

Follow your instinct. Him coming early in the morning is just fine. Don't put yourself in a situation you feel uncomfortable with.

Don't do it o had my ex stay over once it was awful it used to be his home and he treated it like he lived there ferriting about my cupboards as if he owned the place I was very uncomfortable

Thanks for replying!

My ExP lives a fifteen minute drive away, so not far and he is very welcome to come over here from as early as he likes ..... although he’s never managed it before 9am, sometimes it’s closer to 11am.

We are all together this afternoon at a friends house so it’s basically about being able to be here first thing tomorrow without having to get up and drive over ‘at the crack of dawn’ as he puts it .

I think I would have to stick to 'no'.

Of you do it once, when will it happen again?
Birthdays, Easter...

I think it would be very awkward with you either having to play host and wait on him, or allow him to treat the house like he still lives there.

Your son may be a little disappointed today, but he will forget all about it tomorrow!

Do you have a spare room? If so- could he come late like midnight so you have he evening to yourself and he isn’t “company”- but is there to wake up for the morning presents?

I think that’s it Abbs - he said he’ll be no trouble and is happy to watch TV while I sort or the last bits but frankly him never lifting a finger is what used to drive me nuts lol ...... and he’d definitely be rummaging in the cupboards too

Thanks all, I fell better about sticking to my guns. I know it’s not a good idea

Merry Christmas to you all 🎄

You should let him stay. It's Christmas.