Empty inside

[LMF18]

Hi All.
I’m new here and felt this was my last option. I need some advice please. I have an older child who is in high school I have a 6 month old and I am pregnant again. (All planned)
My husband has just walked out three days ago and left us. He won’t speak to me at all! He won’t answer his texts. I went round to his mums house and she told me that he didn’t want to see me.
I’m facing Christmas alone and I’m absolutely devastated I can’t believe I’m in this situation. I don’t know where to turn. I feel very very low at the min and I’m trying so hard to paint a smile on my face. My eldest child obviously knows what’s happening. My husband is demanding that I hand over the baby for Christmas Eve. I just not ready for that yet. My baby is 6 months old and I have not left them alone at all yet. I do not want to be forced in to this either. Please help me I’m literally at rock bottom I’ve spent the past three nights crying. My baby is not a greatsleeper either which makes the whole night and day exhausting! Please help me! I just want my husband home for Christmas. Thank you all.

I’m so sorry What sort of man does this?! Especially so close to Christmas. Absolutely do not hand your baby over to him on Christmas Eve. Try your best to enjoy yourselves as a family of 3. Maybe think about doing things very differently to how you usually would? I’m not sure how, but maybe start your own traditions? It’d give you something to focus on also xx

Please focus on your kidsand yourself. Do not focus on getting your husband home for Christmas. For him to up and leave like that is really low of him unless there has been a build up to it?

Focusing on having him back will only allow him to control the situation and manipulate you.

When I fell pregnant in 2013 my DS dad left me just before Xmas. I was around 14 weeks pregnant and it literally ruined it for me. I cried for he week straight, I couldn't eat or sleep. All I cared about was him coming back. I took him back as soon as he had had his Xmas and new year of partying. Silly silly me. I look back and I am ashamed of how I allowed someone to do everything he did to me. I was so desperate to have him back and have my family together I put up when everything and I mean everything from him. 9 months after my son was born it was either leave or take myself to hospital as I couldn't cope with how he treated me and my DS anymore. I was very very ill and was finding it more difficult by the day to be a mom.

Focus on your kids. You can do this. Make it his loss. He can't force you into doing anything without any specific order which neither of you have. Give him space. No contact. He will have to contact you about the kids so give him time. Your kids need you

So sorry this happened to you OP. If he did return, and he probably won’t, that would not make everything okay. Don’t let him pressure you into anything. You’re in shock from having your world tipped upside down. Spend the next week speaking with and getting support from your friends and family. Try to focus on taking care of you and the kids. You’ll need time to decide what you’re going to do. X

What an awful man OP, you deserve so much better.

As with pp, please don’t hand over your baby if you don’t want to. Leaving a child (esp for the first time) is not something you should ever be forced into.

Try and focus on the kids, I can’t imagine how hard it must all be at the moment but have faith, you’ve got this mama. Someone once said to me “it’ll be alright in the end, if it’s not alright, it’s not the end”. You and the kids will be ok, you just focus on them and taking care of you.

Do you have friends/ family that can help you? I hope and pray that you do.

Sending you a massive hug xx

Thank you all for your kind words.
I am still in shock. He is talking if divorce and wanting to have the children 50:50. I can't even contemplate that at the moment.
I have great family support but to be honest I don't have a lot of friends. Not the ones I could rely on anyway. I lost a lot of friends when I became pregnant. As I stopped getting asked to go out drinking etc. I absolutely love being a mum and I'm very excited about this new baby coming but it's all tainted now. I just can't believe that he would do this. He's not a horrible man I love him dearly. We have been bickering more lately but I put that down to the baby not sleeping at night (I'm up 15-20 times a night) and obviously being pregnant. I find every time we have a disagreement he just vanishes and turns his phone off which is so frustrating for me!!
I'm very lonely at the moment and just can't see a way out. He has all the money too as I'm on maternity leave so this month I'm worried about the mortgage etc. I'm just lost without him. How do I even get over this? I actually feel a part of me has died. I know some might say I'm ott saying that. But he was the love of my life my best friend my everything. I'm absolutely devastated I can't stop crying. Xx

NGC, what a heartbreaking story! And a lesson to be learned by many of us (including me!) - as my mum would say "don't let the buggers get you down".

OP, this is a terrible thing to do to a pregnant woman and mother of two. Anyone who would do such a thing is beneath contempt. Change your locks, pack the bastard's clothes up
and leave them outside. You and your DC deserve so much better! Abandoning you and the DC is unforgivable.

You’re not being ott but you can do this.

I can’t imagine what you’re going through or how awful you must feel.

I am going to tell you a story though in the (probably useless) hope it’ll help.

My mum and dad divorced. When my dad walked out for another woman after many many affairs my mum had 3kids, no job, had been with my dad since she was 14 and was very shy etc. After he left mum lost 1.5 stone in 4 weeks (she weighed6 stone!). My dad was not always very kind with cash or help/ contact with us, he did see us but it was his terms etc, However fast forward a few years and she’d completed a degree, was working and had met someone new. The someone new (now 23 years married) treats her (and us kids plus the grandkids) amazingly. Honestly, what’s for you won’t go by you. It’ll work out, try and keep going forward.

I also sympathise with the non-sleeping baby. I have one of those too! But you can do this, ask for help, no one will think less of you xx

It's irresponsible of him turning his phone off. It was one the of biggest things I hated about my sons dad. Making himself uncontactable. Whilst I was beside myself worrying it was a neighbour who sat me down and first apologised and then said, if he is turning his phone off its because he has a reason for not wanting to be contacted. That may not be what you want to hear but it turned out to be the hard truth I needed to hear. The bickering and arguing was his way out to escape to another life in I'm which his child didnt exist.

Please give him some space. It's a bit hasty to go straight to talking about divorce. That is massive over bickering. If you love each other this will work out.

Also please please please realise the strength you have. Even if you don't believe it is there. It is. At my worst I sit in my house having sent my son to my parents and sit in a silent house crying willing everything to end for me. But I would sit in counselling and be asked why I am certain I won't harm myself as I was diagnosed as having very severe depression. I easily could have as awful as that sounds. I was void. Empty. I hated life, myself, being a mom. I had no identity. I felt nothing but one thing. But what I did have was a beautiful baby boy who I owed so much to, and a dog who took the brunt of my rejection, again I feel horrendous about that. My sons dad used to baby my dog and never bother with his son. I became resentful of my dog and didnt want him near me. But as I sat there in counselling helping me recognise how abusive my relationship was with my sons dad, I had both my son and our dog who I needed to get healthy and strong for as they were my reason to fight on. I knew they were and are more so than ever my world. They loved me and needed me. My dog was the only one who didn't make me feel lonely during my pregnancy, who would lay by mine and my sons side like the proudest being ever. I had to show them both how sorry I was and how we all deserved better and I was going to be the one who got us there.
My son is now 4. Our dog is now 5, and I am in my early thirties and feel like a new woman was born of out that misery. It honestly was the worst time of my life that I never thought I'd escape. No one thought I would either as I am the type of person to give people to many chances. But 8 did because somehow I delved deep and focused on what was the most important to me. I realised I could only rely on myself and my boys relied on me. Look after yourself. The rest will follow