Everything gets me down

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My situation is difficult, to break it down my partner and I separated which was fine, he's happier and so am I with someone else. I struggle a lot with my mental health, I'm back on track for recovery but was having an awful time. I dropped my girls off with their granny as planned and instead of going uni took an OD and went to hospital for 2 days.

Since then my ex has asked to keep them because I'm unstable, I was crushed. My whole crashed, at the moment I have them all day on a Saturday, and I see them for an hour twice a week after work when I settle them to bed at his mums house. I'd love to have them more and have them stay but he doesn't want that right now so they don't get confused (they're 2 and 4)
Seeing them there is very hard, there's a lot of people in the busy house and I feel uncomfortable and in the way, it's getting me down more. They're my pride and joy but I don't want to go there, but I don't want to be left with having them 1 day a week.

I don't know what to do, I'm getting poorly again, I miss them so so much and I wish I hadn't ruined everything.
I'd never do anything to hurt them or while I had them so pls don't think that, but I am still not 100% and am suicidal at times, I just don't know what to do about anything. Arrangements are being made through his mum because he doesn't want to speak to me as I always get upset or react badly when we talk. I don't know what I'm even asking for in this, just some thoughts I suppose

Stop Now, you have got time with your children which if the OD had had a different outcome you wouldn't- so remember that! That's your positive, it's very easy to see it the other way, but you can't allow your self too because that leads to feel worse.
Your life is stuck and your feeling more helpless, and probably feel like your being punished for being ill.

I hope your getting help and support, you need to fill as much free time with extra support from threads about depression, free groups ( not sure what caused your OD)
Then you need to rebuild - which should take time.
Give yourself a time scale - expect relapse of bad moments. In 6 months you want to gain enough energy and trust from dad to take the dc out for the day, then 3 months overnights and so on.
This is beneficial for you all, too much too quickly will not help.
Sending hope and support

I should've specified a bit more about that, I took them and went straight to hospital, I knew I wasn't going to die and wasn't trying to. I just wanted help,
I'm slowly getting support, I have a psychologist seeing me in jan, the help is few and far between (I'm way beyond counselling) but I'm trying. I'm back on my meds, working hard at a new job and catching up with uni work,
I'm trying to rebuild things.

You're absolutely right, I feel like I'm being punished all the time. A month ago I couldn't go a day without self harming, and now I'm in a much better, healthier and stronger place, but I feel like I'm stuck now because all I do is miss my children and feel like I can't get better past this because being without them gets me back down and so on,
The threads is a good idea though so thanks.

I keep getting told it's for me to get better but like I say, I need to see my girls for that, it's not a trust thing, everyone knows I would never hurt my children or do anything while I had them, I've had rough patches before and no one stopped me seeing my children so why this time am I being made out to be an unfit mother. Maybe I am, I just don't know anymore

It's not that your unfit it maybe because the dc are getting older or they think it will give you a wake up call to stop. People react in different ways and have different ideas how
To fix things. Like people always tell other to calm down when stressed like you can just switch a button.
I went through similar things you've talked about, had very low moments and still do. I worked through my ocd, because my 3 year old dc started showing trats.
You may be going to the wrong counsellor or being asked to speak about the same thing and it's feeling pointless. I only ever saw one that help, last one seemed to be putting me in a category and tick boxes, the other seemed judgmental and when I stopped talking supposedly that was one of my issues another wanted to go so far back that I left at the end crying and further backwards in my process to get better.

There are groups like AA for food issues and sex and relationship ( which isn't about sex but more how you connected to people and react to negative behaviours)
Theses are great place to hear other people issues, to have people to talk to and to learn to follow the right step and free.

I feel for you so much, and I believe the help people get from doctors isn't always as great as people tell you it is.
You maybe self harming because you need to feel some power and control and your doing it to yourself so your
Not hurting anyone but you are.
Once I cut to deep and I'm now extremely ashamed that my son asked me a few just back what was that for, he was 10.

Maybe you could explain in a letter- give you time to really asked for more contact and express your feelings with out them seeing you upset. In time you will look back and maybe help someone else

I'm interested to see what psychologist will say or recommend as I've only seen psychiatrists so far and they haven't helped at all other than diagnosis,
There are groups for this sort of thing?
They could be helpful because I've been suffered my eating disorder on my own since the first time they didn't diagnose me and after 2 urgent referrals a couple of months back I've only very recently been booked in for January.
I agree though, hearing other people's point of view is very helpful, I have my own view on the situation but already hearing your take on it is making me consider everything in a different light and it helps so much,
I've spoken to his mum and him in a heartfelt reason as to why, no decisions are going to change there at all, I'm just going to have to wait this out until everything is in a better place, I hope you're right though and I look back on this and everything will be better.
It's okay with your son, I know everyone is different of course, but you're just teaching him about mental health and that he has a strong mummy who is a survivor! He will understand one day,
I'm covered in obvious scars and I see them as a way to spread awareness when people (are brave enough) to ask what and why.

You've helped me a lot more than you know