Your views on cafcass

[MonsterMunch11]

Hi, me and my ex are going to court to sort out custody. I haven't stopped him seeing the kids, but I will be honest I haven't agreed to 50/50 as he was mentally and emotionally abusive to me and the kids sometimes when he struggled with their behaviour. I have suggested every other weekend as it wud limit the stress he is under and therefore he would be lovely to them as time is limited. He is very manipulative and comes across alot better than me, so I am worried if cafcass will see this and see he is spinning his needs and pretending their about the kids... What were your experiences...

Cafcass in the first instance check for any safety or welfare concerns. If there are none, then CAFCASS will most likely simply report on what each parents says/claims and leave it to you to fight it out in court.
My ex tried every trick in the book, despite being equally capable and committed parents before the split she tried every lie/excuse/accusation she could think of. But the courts see it day in day out and when a parent tries to dictate that its ok for the other parent to see the kids "this much" but not "that much" they usually dont like it. They want the parents to agree for themselves and the pressure to do so is astronomical on the day of court.

When people say no one wins in court except the lawyers they are truly right. Especially the children who have the rights to be raised by both their parents.

My advice is to agree in mediation, suggest a staggered increase at the other parents house, there are lots of ways to come to an agreement. Thankfully neither you or him have stopped each other seeing the kids so it sounds like there might be hope for a somewhat amicable agreement.

I had a good experience but I had evidence.

Talk to CAFCASS in terms of the child and facts .

I can't mediate because he wants 50% and that is that, he doesn't think that is best for the kids at all because he wasn't hands on at all anyway. I am just hoping the court do put the kids first truly and I'll be happy, I know I won't get what I want from court and that ok. He is just making out he was really hands on etc and it's all lies. X

Thats a shame, Well the courts will likely give your ex anywhere from every other weekend and one/two week days along with half holidays up to 50% joint residence. From my experience, I never imagined how adversarial and nasty court could be. You will of course need a very good reason, backed up with evidence why its ok for ex to have every other weekend but not 50%.
But getting back to your original post, unless there is domestic abuse, or safety/welfare concerns then CAFCASS dont usually like to get involved. If both parents agree that the kids should spend time with the other parent then it just comes down to parents being stubborn about how much time.

My advice again would be to save yourself, the kids and your ex a world of stress and a small fortune, at the very least make some suggestions on how to get to 50% in a controlled and timely manner. Your ex will then show his true colours, if he still fights it, you will be seen to have tried everything.
Good luck

He is controlling and coerciely to me and on occasions the kids. He tells the kids things he shouldn't and always made out the them when we were together negative things about me etc. He will not budge from 50% so I feel unfortunately I have no choice but to go court to get what's right for the kids... I wish it wasn't the case tho but he is clearly overlooking their needs and it's heart breaking x

Have you had a positive experience of mediating? I may give it a go and see if he can discuss things and compromise a bit, I don't want to screw him over financially even if we no longer get on and alot of stuff happened I did love him once and I know the kids do to.

I know i have been told not to mediate but I have booked an appointment alone with the mediator to see if we can resolve things without having to be in the same room. I'm not afraid of court I think they will be against 50% I'm just would prefer to have maybe had a solicitor get us to sign something legally save court and resolve things quicker for us and the kids.
He will be nasty after if I drag him through court with the recording, emails etc against him and him possibly having to pay court costs for us he is going to be even less amicable infront of the children. I feel that we will constantly be in court I do not and will never agree that 50/50 is best in our cirumctances so I feel even if he somehow got it court will just be a way of life for us and I will constantly have to take him bk, but don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt and see if he can put aside his focus on money and really think about what's best for the kids. Thanks for the advice.

I understand what you are saying Monstermunch, firstly mediation (at least one session) is required before anyone is allowed to apply to family court. If it fails the mediator will sign a c100 form allowing it to go to court. What you mention is called shuttle mediation, and I wish I had done it. Im afraid my mediation lasted 40 minutes, my ex was far more concerned with "winning over the mediator" than having a sensible and practical conversation about arrangements. The mediator told her in no uncertain terms that it was a joint parenting situation already but the ex was adamant, ex got a complete pasting from the judges for pushing it so hard and caught lying a lot, anyway
family courts almost never assign costs no matter what the other parent does. {the belief is that it causes more animosity in an already tumultuous situation}
If you or he wont move on the 50/50 then it looks like it will go all the way. But I must say, if you guys cant sort it out together then you really should respect the decision of the court. With the utmost respect and love, stating that you will keep going back to court to get what you want makes it sound like you are the controlling/coercive one. (said with complete love)
I might suggest that if you take the fight out of it and give him what he wants [under a consent order signed with mediator) and your suspicions about his motives are true, then he will likely renege on the agreement pretty quickly and things might settle far sooner than constantly fighting through the courts. I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt. But again, saying you will NEVER think 50/50 is best for kids does seem like a very uncompromising and closed stance.

One last thing to consider, although my situation, like all others, is different. Bear in mind solicitors tell fathers to go for full 50 joint residence. They rarely expect to get it because the pressure from CAFCASS, solicitors and judges to accept less is harsh, and often we are negotiated down to something that was not worth going to court for in the first place. Just sayin.

I respect your opinion and I certainly wouldn't be going back to court unless I truly believed it was in the interest of the children. I have no want to control him or the children I am free of him and happy to be so, I want him to be a part of my children's life and wud always fight for this to be the case, but not at the expense of them. He couldn't manage 50% so why demand it, or we could compromise outside of court and truly put the kids first. I shall try mediation and give him the benefit of the doubt but I find your comments very one sided since I have told you he was abusive (tho not physical). why would that make me controlling for wanting to ensure my kids were safe and got to enjoy their dad with lil stress being put on their him. I also told you he didn't do 50% before so seems odd you would say I'm controlling for not rolling over and giving it him at his request.

Monstermunch, I completely agree, I dont know you or your situation. I understand and accept that I am biased because although I was completely involved before my split [from doctors to de-licing hair] my ex told horrendous lies about me. She lied in the first hearing saying it was only a few hours a week and thats what the judges interim ordered for the 6 weeks until the final hearing, so when I submitted copious amounts of evidence to the contrary the judges were furious.
Anyway she tried every lie in the book, alcohol, abuse, neglect. I tried so hard to understand why, and all I could come up with is that she convinced herself our daughter should only see the other parent every two weeks. It seemed that any and all means justified that end. Its been 18 months and our daughter is truly thriving with both her parents equally raising her. This is despite the ex causing trouble around school etc. [Ive posted before about it.]

I guess what Im saying is this, what if your ex decides that he will continually go back to court until he gets what he wants? youre both then coming dangerously close to scorched earth syndrome. Apart from putting yourselves in an early grave, the kids will suffer the most.

The reason Im not going for full custody is because although she was not very nice to me at all and I will never trust her again, I realsise the spiteful ex and the mum are completely different people. Im just encouraging you to give him a chance to be the responsible parent and be ready if he fails.
Theres two sides to any story and all that. Just have a good think and a good try because once it gets nasty in court it can take years to repair if at all. Ideally youll be wanting to do birthday parties etc together. Kids always want to see their parents get on.

But please dont take offence, if he is abusive then certainly protect your children. Im simply hoping to give the other side, you seem reasonable and lovely, I liked it when you said you loved him once and the kids love him. With a mutual attitude like that surely anything is possible.

You say he was abusive but not how
And most importantly you haven't stated at all how that cause issues for your children, which is the courts only focus.
You say your keep going back to court, have you got £215 for every trip?
And you won't listen to your ex -
Well that's understandable in this situation but you will be made to do what the court says, you will only get a few chances until they will start doing reports on you ( maybe ss), and punishing you for not following the court order.
People forget, a court order is the last step because parents can't communicate and agree contact between each other for their own children, and the law has to get involved.
There is nothing that makes a judge sway to the other side
Quicker than you ignoring his order.

Just found out that my EA narcissist ex is taking me to court for increased access to DC. The current arrangement is ONW and EOW. He wants 50/50.

His behaviour during relationship and since has been bullying and abusive but he's incredibly charming and manipulative and this fools most people unfortunately.

Ex was mostly unbothered and unengaged with DC when we were together and for most of the time following that too, being more concerned with partying and pulling but is now in relationship and living with gf so has changed what he wants.

She massively outearns him and he's living way beyond his means so part of this is wanting to reduce CMS ordered maintenance to free up some funds. He left me in loads of debt so maintenance mostly goes on paying this debts left behind.

DC is adamant they don't want to go more than they do and come back incredibly stressed, biting nails and saying unpleasant things which I then have to manage behaviourally, just in time to send them back to ex. Last time they returned from ex, the littlest one just sat on my lap and sobbed.

I'm really really concerned that a court would believe his manipulative lies and grant him more access. How likely is this? He's been incredibly careful with emails etc and is only horrible with what he says to DC to repeat to me and what he's said in person so most of the evidence I have is just hearsay really as no witnesses.

I've engaged with lots of statutory support services in past few years so there is a paper trail but more about me than DC so not sure if this would constitute sufficient evidence for not increasing contact.

I've now got a solicitor although she doesn't seem much cop so am thinking I'll have to really do most of the work myself. I'm so worried about it all. He's painting me as a mad and jealous of ex when in fact I left him as he was so controlling.

Really need to hear some positive stories about mums that have got through this legal hell successfully. Please!