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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How to help 9 year old son who doesn't see his dad

16 replies

wonderstuff99 · 08/12/2018 17:31

My son doesn't see his dad,and that won't be changing anytime soon. Today and earlier in the week he was very tearful saying he was lonely and it was upsetting him seeing other children with their dads together.

My son and I have been on our own since he was 3,he's had very little contact with his dad and up until this point,it hasn't seemed to bother him. I think as he's getting older it's starting to dawn on him how absent his dad really is.

I understand he's in the middle of a massive realisation of how his dad is not there for him and how hurtful this is. I've explained that,as much as I wish I could,I can't change the type of person his dad is,and that all I can do,is surround him with people who love him and are good role models. I just hate that,because of my ex's inability to be a good/normal parent,my son is having to carry this burden.

Can anyone suggest ways to help him when he's feeling like this?

OP posts:

bettycat81 · 10/12/2018 18:46

Oh the poor thing. I have a DS who is also 9 and his Dad has been in and out of his life (currently in for the past year and, touch wood, going relatively well). I think what your DS is probably wanting to hear is that he's not the only one in this situation - are any of his peers in a similar position? Or even point out other different family set ups. As an example child A lives with grandparents, B only lives with Dad because mum died....

This often seemed to settle my DS.

Hope you find something that helps.

thighofrelief · 13/12/2018 19:59

I think this is where you really see the sadness of being an LP. It's so disheartening when you have a wonderful little boy crying and a total fuckface wandering around giving no shits. I have 2 adult sons with different Dads. Boys really feel the lack of a good Dad. Do you have a really good male friend or brother who could do more with him? Could your ex be appealed to to show up once a month? My Dad took over the Dad role for them really in all honesty.

Original poster

wonderstuff99 · 14/12/2018 08:50

Thanks both for the response. He has two children who are acquaintances that are in a similar situation to him,who I tell him about. But unfortunately we don't really see them,although I might try and arrange a meet up with one over Christmas.

I'm actually not a lone parent as such anymore as I have a fab partner who I met two years ago. They have a lovely natural relationship but my son still doesn't see him as a dad. So as much as he does have an amazing male role model in his life,he's not at the point yet that he recognises this,and he just sees it that his dad isn't around.

He had another little cry this morning about how he wants to see his dad but he doesn't want him to call him a liar (long story but the last time ex saw son he called him this and it really upset him). I've told him if he does want to email/phone/message him,he can. But I dont think he wants to. I think he's just completely confused about the fact that he HAS a dad,and he would like to see him...but he knows if he sees him,he'll probably just upset/hurt him

And yes,fuckfaces indeed. Although I'd use stronger words!

OP posts:

thighofrelief · 14/12/2018 09:03

OP they're not worthy of being called cunts, did you have another phrase in mind .

My youngest fell out with his Dad and didn't want to see him again. I asked the Dad to apologise or at least talk it through. He wouldn't, who does that? I have little spats with my kids and we all get over it, i don't understand the mentality of the parent not trying to repair things. If your ex is an OK person could you have a good chat with him and ask him to phone your son and perhaps apologise and reassure him he won't say it again?

Original poster

wonderstuff99 · 14/12/2018 09:31

Er,are you sure my ex isn't your ex?! We've had very similar situations in the past. Aka its his way or nothing,sod his son who is 7/8. It's insane isn't it.

So unfortunately, no,an email or a phonecall wouldn't make a difference. My ex is the kind of person who would enjoy the fact that he has some control over DS feeling and would probably blame me for the fact that DS doesn't want to see him

OP posts:

thighofrelief · 14/12/2018 09:46

Well - he could well be - he does have other kids he also doesn't see .

With my eldest's Dad keeping up contact really damaged him. The Dad really clung on (great, we all say) but now that my son is in his late 20s he has told me that his Dad was always calling him gay for not chasing women (from about the age of 12) and trying to get him to chat up girls in shopping malls etc - wtaf.

I remember feeling so sad for my eldest when he was about 5 and he was crying and saying our family (just me and him at the time) was too small.

It's sad isn't it? I feel really sad that I didn't make better life choices and pick a great man who would be a great Dad.

Original poster

wonderstuff99 · 14/12/2018 10:06

I have that exact same guilt,that I picked such a terrible dad for my son. Despite people telling me that none of this is my fault.

I guess we get very good at telling our children that none of this is their fault, we need to forgive ourselves a bit. A lot of the time,these types or men seek out people to manipulate or abuse. We just got very unlucky. Make sure you protect your emotions as well as your children xx none of this is our fault xxx

OP posts:

thighofrelief · 14/12/2018 10:23

OP - well, some of it is my fault, for getting pregnant by people who I didn't in my heart of hearts know would stay around. If I had waited for Mr Right though I would have no kids and I couldn't bear that.

It's so strange but when my eldest was about 5/6 I met the youngest's Dad. He was an amazing stepdad and they got on like a house on fire and had a great relationship. We had the youngest about 4 years later and he was such a shit Dad to the youngest whilst being a wonderful stepdad.

It took me a couple of years to figure out it was because he was 50/50 responsible for his bio-child and only a little responsible for his stepchild. So anything he did with my eldest I was grateful for and he looked great for doing anything. With the youngest (his bio) it was just normal to do stuff and no glory in it.

Mich0027 · 16/12/2018 09:57

I hear you OP I'm in a similar situation no contact from the 'father' since son was 3 and he's 11 now. Around 9 yo he started getting very upset that his dad 'left him' and it's very hard to comfort him. I just listen and tell
Him I understand and that it's ok to feel sad about it I do too. His father is a complete fuck up and I dread the day (if it ever comes) that he does meet him as it will be very hard for him - his father will hurt him emotionally. I'd do a anything to stop him hurting & it's so hard that I can't. He gets very angry about it these days but I just help him ride the storm

thighofrelief · 16/12/2018 11:13

Mich i facilitated contact with my eldest's Dad and it was really the wrong thing to do, i wish like you i hadn't. I was young though and bought into the - but he's the dad bs.

thighofrelief · 16/12/2018 11:15

But luckily as i was young my parents really became 2nd and 3rd parents to him.

thighofrelief · 16/12/2018 11:19

I remember looking into my eldest's bedroom when he had friends round and every kid there apart from one was from a LP family. At least they're not alone with this amongst their peers.

thighofrelief · 16/12/2018 11:22

When my youngest was 18 he was feeling very sad and I eventually told him about his fathers other children and that he wasn't the only one he had left. He felt much better knowing for sure it was nothing to do with him.

QwertyLou · 16/12/2018 12:41

My son is 4 and has not met his father. I haven’t forgiven myself for my awful judgment in choosing him and not sure I ever will.

DS loves my parents as much as me (possibly more) because we lived with them initially and still see them a lot. They have been “parents” (helping with the hard stuff) as well as grandparents (fun stuff).

So he’s very lucky to have a “male role model” in my Dad, along with other male relatives. But all his friends have “Dads” and he wants one too, why not?

I try to emphasise all the same things you’ve mentioned OP.

And one other thing (the hardest), I sometimes say “it’s ok to feel sad sometimes” and give him a big hug.” Then make sure we do some extra fun things, have something special for dinner, just embrace him with all the love and care I have in me.

Sorry not sure I’ve answered your question OP. But I feel your pain

Mich0027 · 16/12/2018 17:01

@thighofrelief I facilitated contact too until my son was almost 4. Wish I hadn't too as he can remember seeing his dad and that makes him feel worse. My son had a half sister and me and the other ex wife introduced them a few years ago and we meet up once a year, she's quite a bit older than my son and you're right it does help them realise it wasn't their fault as he left another child too. Doesn't make him less sad but hopefully stops him blaming himself

flyingdragonzog · 16/12/2018 17:08

Similar situation but mine is 6. I try to concentrate on the mum and son team with him - yes I know that you wish daddy would... but we're doing okay, we have more time together let's think of the good things

Not sure if it will work when he's 9.

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