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Original poster

Child refusing to visit his dads

21 replies

anxiousanniekins · 01/12/2018 19:45

Ds who is 12 this week, visits his dad once a fortnight from Friday to Sunday. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to persuade him to go. His dad has messed him around, been sporadic with his contact and doesn't really bother with him when he's there. He also often drinks and argues with his partner (to the point ss have been involved twice).

Tonight he has text me very upset saying his dad has been shouting in his face and continued after he began crying.

I've always encouraged contact as he is his dad but he is now saying he's not going again. I feel very torn and I no longer think contact is in his best interests.

What age would a court force him to go still? I'm worried sick until I can collect him tomorrow

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 01/12/2018 20:32

Is there a court order ?

At 12 given the situation I wouldn’t make him .

His dad can take you to court if he is bothered but sounds like he’s not

SnartyFartBlast · 01/12/2018 20:33

Poor lad. I would respect his wishes at 12 and I wouldn’t make him go.

NGC2017 · 01/12/2018 22:12

Your poor son. I would respect his wishes.
That must be so hard for you to hear and very brave of you to keep contact in place.
My son is only 4 and his dad hasn't been in his life now over 3 years. If he came back now I'd refuse it and make sure it was via the correct legal routes. I never stopped contact, he did that himself but I would stop it now without any sort of legal/court action. No one plays with my son like that.
Awful as it sounds as much as I wish my son had a dad figure around I am immensely grateful that I don't have the heartache if he ever turned around flat out refusing to go. I know a woman who's 2 kids hate going to their dads. Her boy is too young so gets on with it. But her daughter HATES it. She always tells me how hard it is and how much it upsets her sending her when she really doesn't like going. But at 7 she is still too young for her wishes to be heard

cestlavielife · 01/12/2018 22:15

Given as have been involved before then have your d's tell ss or report or speak to the safeguarding lead at school. That his dad was aggressive etc. They can then signpost to next steps and support.
At 12 be has a voice.

Lattesforlife · 01/12/2018 22:24

Oh you poor things, both of you! I wouldn’t make him go. I’m currently going through similar with Ds who’s nearly 7. His dad sees him once a month and we don’t hear from him in between. Ds hid under the bed and sobbed when he last turned up. I’m torn between trying to ensure they have a relationship, and actually, just sod it. No relationship of any worth is going to come from this man. It’s a hard balance to strike.

Original poster

anxiousanniekins · 02/12/2018 11:40

It is absolutely heart wrenching. He puts on a brave face and I think he's worried about hurting his dads feelings, even though realistically his dad only has himself to blame.

He has a little brother there and it would be awful for them not to have a relationship but my ds has just reached a point where he doesn't want to put up with anymore of his shit. He told my mum he gets butterflies before he goes and he shouldn't have to feel like that about his own dad

OP posts:

eve34 · 02/12/2018 19:27

I am in a similar situation and recently got some legal advice.

If there is no court order and contact is detrimental to the child you have to act in the child's best interest.

Courts will listen to a child between the age of 8-13. Depending on their maturity and understanding.

But you have to show you have encouraged contact. Phone call and short visits

Wait and let him take you to court. Yes he can self represent but with legal representation it cost £5k for all 3 hearings.

It's so hard. I have promised my ds that I will stand by his decision. But have to let his dad come and ask if he wants to go. I have stopped over nights as a compromise. Just don't know what to do for the best.

Singlenotsingle · 02/12/2018 19:32

At 12, he's old enough to decide for himself if he wants to go. It's supposed to be the right of the child, not the right of the father, so if he doesn't want to go, end of story.

Hopereigns · 02/12/2018 19:48

I’ve had similar with DC. At that age I would think them old enough to decide for themselves. DC also want to see their half sibling so put up with the crap :(

They also feel nervous and anxious about going there but still do.

It’s so hard isn’t it :(

girlywhirly · 02/12/2018 21:16

OP, contact is for the benefit of the child, so where the non-resident parent makes no effort, messes arrangements about and is drunk and unpleasant, and the child is unhappy going, I would not make them go at 12 years of age. Children deserve to feel safe and loved with their other parent, clearly your son is unhappy and under the circumstances you describe no court would make him go. More fool his father if he doesn’t clean up his act.

girlywhirly · 02/12/2018 21:34

It’s important to know that contact doesn’t have to take place at the non-res parents home, he could make the effort to meet DS with his little half-brother somewhere where they could have fun.

Original poster

anxiousanniekins · 02/12/2018 22:11

I've always kept my feelings about his separate. I haven't mentioned anything to him yet as he has been sending me abusive texts about me not sending the correct clothing for ds - I was unaware that he has no clothes for him there as he keeps them there and as he collected him from school was in his uniform

OP posts:

Light11 · 16/12/2018 21:27

Hi there,

I am new to this site, I felt compelled to write a response to your post. First I can understand your pain as a mother when it comes to visitation it must be so difficult to receive this kind of texts from your son, I feel for you and I hope you have a strong family/friends behind you.

My son is 4 and I went through a really acrimonious court process to agree our child arrangements I also had a cafcass officer that really sympathised with my ex-husband and I was very worried the process would not be fair, however in the end it was not that bad.

Your son is 12 and he is expressing a level of anxiety that as a child he will not have the emotional maturity to deal with and it could affect him in the long run to witness your ex's aggressive behaviour.

My advise to you is, if your son does not want to go, do not force him and if he is in distress collect him. I have been through the court and they will not make your son live with your ex, and if he is being aggressive and intimidating they will not force your son to endure his behaviour for visitation either. Please do not be scared of the court process however scary it sounds. There are many other ways contact can work if your ex is not coping.

Original poster

anxiousanniekins · 26/12/2018 12:25

Thank you. He is happy going at the moment because he's going to his grandparents with his dad being away on holiday.

Will see what happens come the next visit

OP posts:

Katealfie · 07/01/2019 18:25

my son see his father for last 5 years twice a week if his dad can make it. recently is swearing a lot to my son and he feel scared from him. he scared even tell him that he does not want to go out with him. my ex is taking me to court to get more access and sleep over . i really worry that court will make son to go even he does not want to. what shall i do?

eve34 · 07/01/2019 19:20

@Katealfie how old is your son. Keep notes of contact and the things your ds says. Can you ask school to offer your son some Elsa support so that he is able to talk to someone impartial.

Also get free half an hours legal advice.

I have had to explore this recently. My son is a teenager and his thoughts would be take on board. Depending on the maturity of the child anyone from 8!up can have a say. Court can be expensive. Do you think ex has the funds to see it through?

Katealfie · 08/01/2019 05:48

my ex paying min maintenance and reason he said because he has to take me to court .. i don't think i can afford lawyer as i am supporting my son mostly on my own where can i get free half an hour advise?

eve34 · 08/01/2019 19:26

@Katealfie If you google your area and free half hour legal advice. Something local should pop up.

Write out what you want to know before you go.

Other have self represented and although terrifying I'm sure. Have had positive experience with the court and judge.

Just be sure you have your facts and that you are doing the right thing by your children.

enidlowrij · 16/01/2019 21:12

You should respect his wishes. You know just explain to him that you need to work on the relationship be open with his father...write a letter with feelings you help him to explore all of his feelings so he can write exactly how he feels and its up to dad then to try and fix it and up to him if he allows him to try and fix it. It goes both eays and the decision will then determine if his father will be in his life or not.

TheOneAnd · 24/01/2019 23:18

My 9 yo didn't want to see his dad. After many months when he finally spoke to someone other than me I broke the CAO and kept him with me.

I took it back to court along with statement from the teacher he'd opened up to.

Ex didn't want to fight to see his son and so order was dropped and ds stays with me full time.

Graftershe · 04/02/2019 09:30

If he is of a mature mind he is able to make that decision for himself at 12. Do not force the issue.as long as he can commit with him by phone the rest is up to him. He is of an age where he can see and understand his father for who he is himself. If he wants to build a relationship with his father later on then it will be his own decision.

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