What is normal?

[ohhi]

Just want some outside opinions because I'm not sure what's right or wrong. To cut a long story short my ex and I split when I was pregnant and I didn't hear from him at all through my pregnancy or until my DS was 9 months old.

I let him into his life and have made it easy for him to have as much contact with my DS as he likes. At first he would see him around 3 times a week and would contact me in between asking how he is etc but now he has stopped all contact in between visits and the visits have now reduced to once a week for around an hour (he has decided this without discussing anything with me).

He has only been in my DS's life a month and it seems as though the novelty is slowly wearing off and he can't really be bothered anymore. I feel as though I've been nothing but fair (even taking DS to him to make it easier for him).

Is once a week for an hour or 2 with no contact in between normal? I'm a little hurt as I was so pleased that he wanted to be involved.I also feel as though everything has and still is on his terms.

yes
sounds about right, most exes dont contact inbetween visitations.

There's massive variation. I know families where is 50/50 as well as families where the child hasn't seen the NRP for years.

My ex sees our kids (secondary school aged) once a fortnight (overnight). They have phones so he could contact them to chat but doesn't. When my kids go on holiday with him, they contact me every day or two even if it's just a photo.

Being involved is a vague term. In my ex's case it means always paying maintenance and seeing the kids once a fortnight. If they were suddenly hospitalised or called him because they were stranded, he'd dash out the door no questions asked. He is polite to me and about me and takes them away on holiday in the summer. I think my ex would probably say that he was an involved Dad.

If you asked the kids what the term meant then it would include him being interested in and knowing the minutiae of their life like which friend has been annoying this week. Their Dad wouldn't be able to name any of their friends or favourite band never mind what Dd got in her GCSE mocks.

@ghostsandghoulies I suppose it's different as they get older as they can call/text but I just feel that at such a young age and after missing out on DS's first 9 months already, it's hard. How is DS supposed to get to know him enough to eventually spend a full day alone with him if all he does is see him for an hour once a week and knows absolutely nothing about him (and doesn't ask either).

Lots of kids see grandparents/aunts/cousins infrequently but develop a bond with them. Ideally Dad would gain confidence parenting and increase his contact time but you can't make him have contact.

It's not what most people would call being involved but something is better than nothing I guess?

@ghostsandghoulies yes, 100% something is better than nothing. I suppose I just find it sad that he doesn't really know much about our DS and doesn't seem interested in getting to know him. In a way I feel as though the 1 hour visit a week is just to clear his own conscience.

It's very sad and when he realises that he's missed out on knowing your amazing boy, he will kick himself.

Hi op. Very similar situation to yourself.. My dds father wasn't involved entire pregnancy.. Showed up when she was three months and visited once a week for an hour or so with no contact in between. He eventually disappeared when she was 6 months as I asked him to contribute something for maintenance.. Although he'd tell you he left because I'm very difficult when I've done nothing but bend over backwards to accommodate his relationship with her.

@Mummblebee how did you feel when the visits stopped? It makes me so sad that they just don't feel the same love towards their children as we do. I do worry that the visits will eventually stop. What also hurts is that he's single and is more interested in meeting someone new than getting to know his own child. I do get the feeling he makes me out to be the awful ex when in reality I make everything as easy as I can for him and don't ask him for anything.

One hour a week it is doubtful he will bond. .

Sadly this part is not in your control.

I always knew my exh was not really interested in my ds. After I tried I then figured the earlier he dropped out of ds’s life the least damaging it would be to Ds. He saw Ds till he was 3. But lots of let down.

My advice get maintenance . It won’t make any difference if he stays or not.

Don’t sit and chat . Give him baby and tell him call me if you need anything then get on with cooking , cleaning or just go elsewhere and watch tv . If nappy needs changing explain what to do . Don’t do it , same with feeding ( unless breast feeding) it’s very easy chatting and ignoring baby.
Hopefully he steps up and bonds with baby.

Remember you can’t make him the dad he should be .

@Starlight345 this is the problem..we meet in a public place (usually a coffee shop or restaurant). We sit together, with our DS and it's just awkward. He had never changed a nappy and every time I ask him to give it a go he refuses. It's basically us meeting for an hour a week where he sits our son on his lap and then says goodbye.

In a way I'm hoping the visits do fizzle out as I just can't really see him sticking to his promises as my DS gets older and right now the effort he makes in minimal. It upsets me not only because of my DS but also because deep down I wish we were a normal family.

If I were you I'd meet him for your usual meets, and say, "okay! See you in an hour! "
And go window shopping or have a quiet coffee and relax.
You've done it all by yourself, really he should be LOOKING AFTER YOUR SON. He's the father and the more you look after a child the more you bond with them.

But you haven't really mentioned how well you know or trust him or circumstances around your break up. If he's not violent and is a safe person. Then there's really no excuse why he can't give him a bottle or play with him whilst you are away.

@DizzyBumbleBee we broke up when I found out I was pregnant. He wanted me to have an abortion but refused to even come with me if I did have one and I decided that I could live without him but I couldn't live with myself knowing I'd aborted my DC. He didn't contact me throughout the whole pregnancy (which was hard at first but i then got used to the idea of being a single parent and actually quite liked it). He contact when my DS was 9 months old which has been so hard mentally after trying to get on with it on my own for all this time. He's not violent or abusive, doesn't take drugs or drink too much.

What about meeting at soft play . He can go play you can sit with a cuppa?

You obviously want a great df for your dd, and have done all you can to facilitate that, but actually he's the only one thats going to make it happen, and if he doesnt then your ds certainly can rely on you.

Just focus on you and your ds, let him do the legwork if he wants to. Its sad when f's dont step up, but dont spend any time waiting or wasting your life trying.

I was overthinking and anxious about something that was very much out of my control and decided to spend less energy on what f was or was not doing and use that energy on my dd and taking care of my well being. I feel his behaviour is not within my control and it sounds as thiugh its the same for you - as you've said you have done everything to make it as easy as possible for him. I would personally take a step back. My dd father contacted me yesterday dd is now 8 months.. He is still stressed and clearly not at peace with the situation and I'm now at a place of peace because I made a decision to just take care of myself and dd. He is welcome to be involved of course. I agree with other users that if the f is going to disappear eventually it's easier on your child if he fizzles out as early as possible.. Which is exactly why I'd take a step back if I were you and let him come to you when he's ready to be a father.

Arghhhh I need a rant and thought this would be the best place as I don't want to say anything I might regret. Ex has just cancelled tomorrow's plans as he 'has a lot on tomorrow' this is after I have chased him about times etc. I really don't know how I should be handling this. Should I be screaming and shouting or shall I just let him get on with it?!!