Why do I feel so angry 😡??

[Laura240990]

Don’t know if I’m in the right place but need somewhere to vent. Spoke to friends but they just don’t quite get it.
I was walked out on at 16 whilst pregnant and told he wanted nothing to do with the baby, which was fine. He popped in and out of sons life for the first 2 year but was nothing steady and then suddenly it all stopped. He was living with his new partner and her child. Yes it hurt that he left his own son, but happily lived with someone else’s child but I soon got over it. Anyway.... 11 years later I have discovered sons dad has had a new baby. I’m not looking for him to come marching into my sons life or anything but I feel so many different emotions on this and I don’t know if it’s normal :/ I’m hurt, angry, maybe slightly resentful that my son had to live without a dad while hers doesn’t :/ after all these years is this normal for me to feel like this?
I have never lied to my son about his dad when he asks and if he ever wants to contact him I will help if I can, what is it gonna do to my son if so many years later he finds his dad and his new family...
sorry for long post :/ needed to get this out.

Vent away. My sons Dad has 4 kids. 2 before my DS which I fell for his stories of why he wasn't in their lives and one since.
The one after my son, also a boy hurt at first. How can he love this little boy and not my son with him. It was horrible as I felt the rejection for my son all over again. But I suppose it made me realise what kind of man he really is and all the bullshit posts of what his son means to him and how family is everything. I think though I don't let it get to me, well I try not to, it will always hurt as how is his new son any different to mine.
But that said it just makes me realise even more how I don't want any one like that around my son anyway who can dispose of his kids so easily

It’s made me think about where things went wrong and we were both to blame but he didn’t fight very hard to see my son so I never chased. At the time I wanted as far away as possible and knew I would manage perfectly fine on my own. I just do t get why would anyone leave their own son to move into someone else’s kids life :/ u have put it in perspective though, if a man can dispose his own kids like that why would I want a man like that in my sons life :) it also bothers me how he happily pays cm but don’t wanna know. It clearly hurts us mothers most, but we just like to protect our little me. :)

Aahhh love, you have every right. I cannot imagine being pregnant so young and being let down. You.Are.Amazing.

That said, you are human. Of course you feel the injustice. Carry on doing your great work and don't let this anger burn you up. Raising a great son singlehandedly into a respectful and responsible man will be your reward and the biological father's cross to bare.

It hurts us because we will never understand how someone can treat their child this way. He is a pathetic excuse of a man but we share a son and I tried to make it easy for him and he still had no interest. Luckily for my my son was still a baby so has no real recollection but n I know this is how our life is meant to be. Ive not had maintenance for a while and it's forcing us to struggle so it's a real shit seeing all the holidays he is going on etc when we literally live to within penny's every month. But in the more than 3 years he has been gone I have shown my son more love and happiness then I would ever been able to give him with his dad being around. He was draining and made me so unhappy which reflected on how I acted as a mom. My son is 4 now and says he doesn't mind not having a dad as I'm his dad too and I'm a good one lol

hes with her thats why. hes not with you. not an excuse but thats what it is

No it's because she is feeling why is his new child good enough for him to be involved but not her child.

I get it OP. My DCs dad walked out 8 years ago and was very much “when I feel like it” with contact. He hasn’t bothered with them for two years. Not even a birthday card or text. Eldest DC (13) spotted him in town tonight with his wife and new baby having a lovely family night at the Xmas lights switch on. DS put up his hood and sneaked past him.

I empathise OP. I think you feel hurt for your child, wondering how a person can just abandon their own flesh and blood and then shack up with someone else and have a child. You can waste years wondering but ultimately I think there are people who are just inherently bad, your ex sounds like one of those people.

Sorry you’ve been put through this.

It's hurtful, but I guess that a dad who can abandon his tiny child without much conscience is such a toxic person that the child who grows up living with him may end up more screwed up than the one who escaped his attention.

i think pp misunderstood me, i meant he is being a dad to that child because he is with the woman, if he wasnt then no doubt he wouldnt be bothered with that child either, alot of men are sadly only interested in the child if they are with the mother.

Your dd is amazing because you raised her. His poor dc have him for a df...
My ex had another dc. Only made contact with my dd at 21 to tell her he was emigrating!!
She feels nothing but pity for her half dsis and absolutely no regrets he wasn't around for her.
She said I was ample!

As you can see @Laura240990 this is definitely the place to post and vent. When I was at my worst with things I came to mumsnet as I honestly felt like I was the only one it was happening to. As bad as this sounds and it is not meant that way, but it was such a relief that I wasn't alone and so many others were going through it as well. I took thinks very personally and blamed myself for my DS not having his Dad, but as other have said some people are just bad.
I always thought I would love my sons dad as he is his dad. Couldn't be further from the truth. I don't feel anything. But every now and then I can get upset at the questions he has left my son with.
I stand by what I said earlier though. Anyone who can walk away, let alone start a new family is toxic and has no place in my child's life. What he has to realise is his new sons my be his king, his entire world, whatever, his osn also has half siblings that and will one day have to answer to that. And then one day his son could want to find his siblings and he will be in for a shock when he finds out how his Dad has really behaved.
I understand your anger but focus all you love and feelings towards your child. Don't show him that he is deprived, as by the sounds of things he isn't. Kids don't need both parents, all they need is plenty of love and someone who is consistent and determined to raise them properly xx

Thanks for all your kind words :) I feel so much better having heard from people who are going through the same thing. Yes it’s absolute crap and will hurt my son if and when he ever wants to meet his dad and find out about his half sibling but that’s a bridge to cross if we ever come to it :) since my son has never asked about his dad for many years he clearly isn’t interested in knowing about him so that’s also a massive positive :) we have managed 11 years and I’m sure we will continue to manage.
Feeling very grateful for all your kind words and advice :) thanks again

I think you're incredible for managing on your own from age 16. I was in my forties when I got divorced and that was scary enough. Well done for being a double parent. I get why it would hurt- I bloody hate my exH being so involved in his GF's children's lives while being absent from his own. We are here for a rant whenever you need it.

He was a child himself when you were pregnant. He’s a fully grown adult now, which puts a different spin on things

Maybe he now feels mature enough to be a dad; he obviously wasn’t 11 years ago.

How nice that we now have the option of postponing parenting our children until we feel mature enough. Where do we store them until we can be bothered please? Asking for a friend.

I didn’t say he was right to run away 11 years ago.

You were forced to grow up very fast and he made it harder on you by walking away and leaving you without any support.

He's had 11 years of who knows what, but more freedom than you've had anyway, and now he's decided to make a choice to have a family as a responsible grown man.

I'd be furious if I were you too, it's a huge injustice that young mums get left with the hard work while young dads get to waltz off and enjoy themselves, then they don't even miss out on the parenthood bit as they just get to do it later. I hope you're at least getting child maintenance off him.

well its 11 years later so lets just say he has grown up, doesnt explain why he doesnt bother with his son now though does it.

I am in the same boat. My ex walked out to play dad to OW son 6 years ago and didn't bother about son . I will never forgive myself for picking a man like that to have a child with. I have had counselling but I keep thinking it's all my fault that my son will grow up messed up because he wasn't good enough for for his dad but his half sister and OW's son were was . I understand your pain OP .

I've been there @confuseddotcom2018 but I promise he won't grow up messed up as you haven't made him feel like he is missing out.
My son used to beautifully declare how he hasn't got a dad. Mommy's his dad and that's perfect. Used to bring a tear to my eye simply because I don't feel any child should have to feel like they don't have the other parent when they are still alive. When he started school I was in the bath one even and he walks in and says 'does my Dad want to work, is that why he doesn't want to see me?' 'he really doesn't want to see me does he'. He was still cool about it and unemotional but it really made me cry. He asked why I was crying and if I had been left and our dog left too. I told him it made me sad as I can't give him any answers as Mommy can't speak for his Dad as I dont know him anymore or how he feels. But I reassured him he is surround by so much love from everyone in his life, and does not need anyone in his life that he has to ask me where they are.
My DS questions upset me more than him as I know I have never stopped any involvement, but he is still only young so it could start to upset him. It may change as he grows older but i will always instil in him that if he has to force anyone to love him or spend time with him then they aren't worthy of him.