Absent dad emailing to speak to son - where do I stand?

[wonderstuff99]

Ex and I split over 4 years ago and since then due to him being emotionally and financially abusive. His contact with our DS9 has been very up and down, he's missed birthdays, Christmases etc. The longest his dad ever maintained contact for was 6 months.

In Feb, my son said he didn't want to see him anymore as his dad had been mean to him and called him a liar (there were other signs of him starting to emotionally abuse him before this). I tried to encourage him to keep contact by going back to what our son felt comfortable with (spending an hour with his dad in the local park with my nearby).
But my ex told out son he had to spend time with him on his terms or not at all. I suggested going back to telephone calls twice a week with son, which my ex said no to. So contact reduced back to nothing from Feb.

In May, ex emailed to speak to son on phone. Son agreed reluctantly. Phone call ended with ex asking why son hadn't been in contact and guilt tripping him. Son began to cry so I ended the phone call. He has done this several times.Messaged ex to say no more contact if he was going to continue to upset and emotionally abuse him.

There is no contact order, we've been to mediation once about 3 years ago. That arrangement came to an end after about 3 months as ex said he couldn't see son anymore due to work.

He has now emailed asking to for our son to call him (he doesn't even have a phone so how he expects that I don't know!) I hate these emails, they give me a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.

I have tried mediation, arranged contact and offered alternatives since we broke up. All these have failed or been rejected by my ex.

I've had 4 years of being probably TOO reasonable towards him dropping in and out of son's life and emotionally abusing and manipulating him. As much as I would LOVE for my son to have a relationship with his dad and have tried for a very hard time for this to work, I don't think it's possible at this point in time. I can't put my son through another 6 months or 3 months or 2 months contact, for him to start being unreasonable or drop off contact again.

Do I have to respond to these email?

If there’s no court order you don’t have to do anything.

How old is your son?

What's his next move likely to be if you don't respond? Is he local to you?

Yes, I was also going to ask how old your son is. You clearly need to put in some clear boundaries, he always wants things his way and then guilt trips your son in attempting to get what he wants. Totally appropriate that you stepped in, well done. I think I would insist or mediation or nothing. Definitely don’t let you and/or your son be bullied.

Op says child is 9.

Thanks for the replies, yes he's 9. He's unlikely to do anything, he lives 10 mins down the road. I have been worried in the past about his actions as he's quite unpredictable but nothing ever came of it. Having said that, he has also been physically abusive to us both when the break up was very new. So as much as I don't think he would do anything, I also don't trust him, if that makes sense.

As I said, I would love for my son to have a relationship with his dad, but I know at the moment, it's not feasible until he shows he's changed and won't be manipulating and emotionally upsetting him. To this day, he still refuses to speak to me about any issues about our son, he doesn't think it's necessary for us to talk/email or to arrange contact between us, he hasn't since our son was 7! He just bypasses me and speaks to him directly.

I have suggested mediation again several times but am always met with refusals or he just ignores my message. The outcome of me ignoring this message will prob be he crawls under his rock again for another 5-6 months before he emerges again.

Everyone around me who has seen this situation play out says ignore the messages and if he actually is serious about being a grown up and arranging and sticking to regular contact, he'd either be agreeing/suggesting to mediation or he'd discuss this with you. And I know that's the right thing to do. But there's always a nagging part of me that makes me doubt myself

WHY would you want this man to have a relationship with his son?

He is abusive , lets him down , threatens him.

Block him would be my advice.

Your job is to protect him putting him into the same situation time and again is not doing that.

I would ignore the email completely.

Drop to your son over tea how he feels about Dad at the moment, would he like to speak to him? If yes, he can call - if not, no way.

He has no need to know his father is summoning him.

Sorry, maybe I should rephrase. I would LIKE him to have a relationship if he changes, which I believe to be unlikely

@isitweekendyet - Yes, that's what I've done in the past when he's emailed and mostly been led by his response.

9/10 he says no, so I have encouraged him a few times, but it rarely ends well.

This is basically exactly what I went through with my DSS.

He is looking to drive a wedge between you and DS. DSS's father planted lots of shit about his mum and me to the point they were talking (online) every day. Then Social Services turn up with DSS and say he wants to live with dad and they support it. Pushed through in 48 hours and we found out it had been planned for over six months.

DSS came back to us 6 months later, after his dad threw his stuff out in bags and changed the locks. That's what he saw arriving home after school.

I cannot begin to describe DSS mental health (autistic anyway) but violence, breaking things, hitting his sister, abusing us. Thankfully he's grown up into a fine young man. We had a chat a couple of years ago and we were made out as monsters (especially me as stepdad, and mum didn't love him because he had a sibling).

He's had no contact for 7 years. Although the chancer messaged me on fb last Xmas asking how "his" son was. Told him he was nothing more than a sperm donor and blocked him. DSS sees me as his dad and when he told me this and spilled his feelings (he's very reserved normally) I burst into tears.

You don't want your son going down this path. This man doesn't want a relationship with his son. He wants to destroy the relationship, and make him hate you. Your son could experience MH issues for years.

simplysteve thats such a sad story but thank you for sharing it. I have a partner now and he and our son have such a nice, natural relationship - he's learning what a real father figure should and is.

Thanks you for sharing your story, I will definitely take it on board, glad your family are doing better xx

I have a partner now and he and our son have such a nice, natural relationship - he's learning what a real father figure should and is.

Precisely why he's trying to create these waves. Your partner is the ultimate enemy who is "stealing his son". He is going to attempt to destroy you and your son is the perfect target.