Visitation for a 5 month old?

[Mentalmum91]

Ok, what is the 'normal' or recommended visitation for dad's of a 5 month old? I am bf although baby will take a bottle if I am not there. He has been here the majority of the time since birth in the evenings/weekends (he works normal full time hours) he is perfectly capable and I do trust her in his care. Sometimes he doesn't understand her ques but mostly fine. I have suggested 1 evening during the week visiting her in my home/ putting her to bed if he wants etc and a weekend day for a few hours? Maybe half a day? I'm unsure. I don't want him in my home too often as it will be confusing for my other children who will miss him.

It's a really tricky subject when the baby is bejng breast fed. The arrangements you're proposing wouldn't be sufficient to allow your daughter to form a strong attachment with her father - a critical part of her healthy devwlopment at this stage. There's some good stuff in this article to help understand how that works for kids:

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201303/co-parenting-infants-and-very-young-children

Essentially, periodic visits by Dad to the mother's house aren't enough to forge a strong bond between parent and child. That's where the really tricky part comes I between balancing the benefit to the child of forming that bind, with the benefits of breast feeding that make it harder to achieve. Personally, at the age of 5 months, I'd say it's worth thinking about whether you could move to a balance of great milk and formula to allow greater flexibility in Dad's ability to have her overnight.

If you don't want to go down that path, then I'd suggest you should certainly be looking for him to have more time with her than is proposed here, and to have a clear idea of how you'll gradually expand that time as she grows until you can be to a more balanced shared care arrangement. At your daughter's age, she will change very quickly - so what's appropriate now may not be right even two or three months from now.

Thank you for your reply! Firstly, not breastfeeding or reducing feeds is absolutely not an option. To be honest the suggestion is insulting given the benefits of breastfeeding. Shared care, even in the long term is also not an option as I have 2 other children and will not split siblings, and even if I was open to it, (which I'm not) we live too far apart for that to work logistically when she is school age.

I have also never heard of a 5 month old going overnight to dads and know legally there wouldn't even be a chance of it being enforced etc until she is at least 2.

I will continue to do more research though on what is best. I don't want to damage their bond but I have a lot more to consider. I also have to consider her siblings and their relationships as well as wanting to limit ex's contact with my other dds.

I do actually have a psychology degree myself and had always followed attachment parenting techniques when my babies are younger. Attachment theory disagrees with quite a bit the above in that infants are only capable of having 1 primary attachment figure in the first 12 months, and damage to that relationship is catastrophic to their development for the long term-insecure attachment, avoidant attachment all damages relationships in later life etc. Im unsure that less time with her father at this age will do any damage at all.

In saying that I do believe he will be a great dad, and I will be fine with overnights when she is 2/3+. I may suggest he takes her outside my home for his visits if that will help.

Definitely food for thought!

Hi really sorry to tell you this but courts do order overnights earlier than two years old. Despite raising multiple issues with cafcass my ex got one overnight with dd from 15 months - we split when she was 7 months old - courts sadly rule that children need to spend time with both parents including overnights

Yep, my ex was given overnights with his DD at well under 2. And rightly so. Nothing sad about it.

Thanks sparkie07, I'm so sorry that happened in your case! To be honest I'm so surprised. I actually had a family court judge discuss my situation ( family friend) last week where they told us that it's not what they recommend at that age. Obviously must depend on the court/children/individual situation. What was your situation with visitation at 7months? How often did Dd go then? He's a good man and will be a great dad so I don't want to stop their relationship, it's just balancing it with our family (myself and my other children) and obviously it is really stressful when I'm not with her!

We were doing Friday afternoon for about four hours, and Sunday for six hours, judge strongly advised us to come to an agreement with at least one overnight immediately, my solicitor advised me to negotiate with ex to get to something I was ok with, rather than risk judge deciding and getting something close to 50/50 put in place straight away. He got fri lunchtime through to Saturday afternoon straight away, then six months later it switched to two nights, starting on a Sunday though. It actually means he gets less time with her as she attends nursery on Mondays but that was what he agreed to. Now it's stuck at two nights until she's in school but ex is pushing for this to be sooner

I split with my exh when my youngest was 4 months old, he was breastfed but would take a bottle if i was not there. Exh used to come over and sleep in spare room eow to see dc ( i quite often went and stayed at my sisters When he stayed ). 2 weeks before youngests 1st birthday i moved closer to family (was always plan) and the dc, baby included went on holiday with dad for 1 week so i could unpack and set up our new home. Since the move all dc have spent eow with their dad, unless they are ill, dad lives 200 miles away. Our youngest is 3 years old now and all dc have a fab relationship with him, but nowhere near the bond they have with me.
Sorting visitation out with an ex is tricky esp with a young baby but you do need to be more flexible, baby has a right to time with both parents and its best if you can sort this out amicably. Spouting off about a psychology degree and parenting tcehniques will not wash in front of a judge im afraid.

I would think that what you’ve said is fair; for a breastfed baby to go overnight isn’t really fair and even without being breastfed I think it’s generally accepted at that age that it’s too young.
Depending on feeds I’d think that 10-4 on a Saturday or Sunday would be fair although if that’s too long with feeds then it’d have to be shorter; also think about nap times as if half of his time is gone with a nap then maybe less for now. I’d make sure her dad understands that this is just for now and will change as your DD gets older

Also to add I think overnights at around 10-12 months is fair. I say this kindly as I’d be exactly the same but often it’s more the mums needs/unhappiness about over nights rather than the baby’s needs although I say that knowing I’d be exactly the same.
Also I disagree with the view that your DD won’t develop a strong bond; she’s had the first 7 months of her life with her dad living in the home so she knows him and hopefully has that bond. My DSD had a similar level of contact with DH from about that age (which then moved to eow at 12-18 months) and at 12 continues to have a great relationship with him. There’s a lot of dads out there who have that level of contact with their child at that age; I suspect the problems occurs if it’s still like that throughout their childhood but that’s not what you’re suggesting.

I'd say little and often - maybe twice a week (2 hours each). That way it's not too much for baby or ex. I'd encourage your home as that is where baby most comfortable and ex at a distance. At a year you could look at ex taking baby for half days as they still nap like crazy at that age.

My ex just saw DD at mine at that age - mostly "babysitting" while I had a couple of hours out in the evenings. He started taking her out for an hour or two at a time about 2-3 times a week from about 6 months and overnights from about 9 months, by which time she would take a bottle and eat solids. She was always with older DS though which did give her more security I think. Shouldn't need to go to court if you trust your ex with her and he's understanding of the need to get her used to being away from you gradually.

Dd was still bf a bit when she started doing overnights and tbh being away overnight probably did contribute to her wanting to drop feeds soon after that (declining milk supply, bottles easier for her) But weaning at 10 months (rather than just over a year, like I'd done with dS) was probably worth it for helping her build a close bond with her dad

Hi i have a seven month old ds and split with my EX a couple of months ago. He works shifts but has DS tuesdays 2.30 - 6.30 thursdays 2.30 - 6.30 saturdays 12 - 6 and sundays 12 - 6. He is on solids and bottle fed but no overnights at the moment. Ex hasnt asked for them though. I would probably look to do overnights on saturdays in the future