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Lone parents

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Original poster

Is exh unreasonable or am I?

16 replies

SemiAquaticEggLayingMammal · 16/11/2018 11:01

Not going to put this in AIBU because I think you lot in here might understand a bit more…

Exh wants to be involved in our 3 ds’s lives as much as possible. This is obviously a great thing for them, in theory, it’s just making things a bit difficult logistics wise and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

For example- the boys go to him every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. This weekend they are at home and as usual have rugby and football on Sunday mornings. EXh wants to take them instead of me- this is sort of helpful as it can be a bit tricky with overlapping sessions in different locations, but I had already arranged with another parent to take DS1 (14) with them to his football match. I can therefore watch ds2 (10) and ds3 (4) at rugby. DS1 knows I can’t make it to every match because of his younger brothers sessions clashing dependent on whether football is at home or away. I didn’t see them play last week as they were with dad- I like to when I can though!

This weekend we are staying at my partners house on Saturday night. Exh will not collect boys from my partners- only home-(exh will not even meet my new partner, point blank refuses, there was nobody else involved on my part at least when we broke up and I met partner well afterwards, exh also has new partner and they live together so I have no idea what his reasons are) which means I would have to get us back there for a time of exh’s choosing. He would pick two smaller ones up for rugby, bring them back after and then pick ds1 up and return him after that. I feel like he is just saying “do this, do that, be here at x time” and I really really resent being controlled (still) like this- this is one of the reasons our marriage failed.

At the same time, exh adores them and and I don’t want it to seem like I want to prevent him from seeing them- I just want it to fit into my day. I feel pulled from pillar to post trying to make it happen, my life is busy enough at the moment without trying to accommodate ex. Is this horrible of me? Should I be facilitating them seeing each other outside of the agreed times?

OP posts:

MadeForThis · 16/11/2018 11:29

Ha ha

How would he feel if you wanted to take them for a few hours on his weekend?

Your weekends are your time with the dc away from the madness of school, work and homework.

If you're happy for him to see them on your weekend then he needs to suit your routine.

greenlanes · 16/11/2018 11:35

I would say thanks for the offer, but you have already made logistical plans for this weekend. But the match is being played at x location if he wants to come and watch. But do make sure in the future you turn up to watch when it is his weekend.

My ex will take my DC out of an event or activity rather than let me be there to watch (watching only- no logistics) - it means that my volunteering for these clubs is really patchy. Such a shame.

LemonBreeland · 16/11/2018 11:39

^^ This. He has no right to dictate your time with your DC.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 16/11/2018 11:42

Blurring the lines of a well working routine isn't a good idea ime.
If it comes to where ex thinks he is doing you /your new relationship a favour he will drop the niceness like a stone. And the dc will suffer ultimately. Stick to the usual arrangement is my advice.

Doyoumind · 16/11/2018 11:42

It's your weekend. He had his last weekend and will next weekend. He doesn't get to force you into doing what he wants or letting him see the boys. You've got it covered. Don't let him make you feel you are being unreasonable. It's a slippery slope. Thanks, but no thanks. If he wants to get annoyed about that let him but you haven't done anything wrong.

GemmeFatale · 16/11/2018 11:54

It’s your weekend with them and running around to accommodate his preferred pick ups and drop offs disrupts your plans.

I’d say no that doesn’t work for me and carry on as planned.

FishesThatFly · 16/11/2018 12:04

If it was a help to you for him to see them then I'd say yes.... but from what l have read it seems like it is adding to your stress of the day.

Quartz2208 · 16/11/2018 12:05

He has his time thats it stop letting him encroach on yours

Starlight345 · 16/11/2018 12:07

No sorted thins weekend thanks .

Don’t play negotiations. Iris your quality time with your children. It is important for rp too

Original poster

SemiAquaticEggLayingMammal · 16/11/2018 16:51

Thanks all. I find it difficult to work out what is reasonable and what isn't because was quite the gaslighter during our marriage.

It's doubly difficult because exh knows the parent giving the lift v well socially (as do i- before the split we spent a lot of time with him and his partner who is one of my best friends) and so I don't want to make it awkward for him. Eg when I said to exh "thanks, it's sorted, x is taking ds1" exh dropped a line to lift parent saying he'd be taking Ds1 instead. Without even checking with me.

OP posts:

Starlight345 · 16/11/2018 18:08

Then you need to reply if you are taking ds1 to football you need to collect from .... return to .... at including tones . If you can’t do this you need to contact them to tell them you are not no longer taking ds1 . In future . No information to him . No my weekend with kids

Quartz2208 · 16/11/2018 18:24

Just say that your weekend is yours and his is his and you have it sorted. That is it

FishesThatFly · 16/11/2018 19:24

How dare he message them!! Think you need to be firm over this and do as said above and TELL him he'll be collecting from your partner's and if he doesn't want to then contact your friend and reinstate the original arrangements

Mxyzptlk · 16/11/2018 19:28

I really really resent being controlled (still) like this

That's exactly it - he's trying to control you. Don't let him.

Mxyzptlk · 16/11/2018 19:33

exh dropped a line to lift parent saying he'd be taking Ds1 instead. Without even checking with me.

I'm guessing friend would be collecting Ds1 from your partner's house? Tell friend to stick with the original arrangement. Then ex-h can turn up at your house if he likes.

Doyoumind · 16/11/2018 19:56

You have to break this cycle of control. Once you start saying no it will get easier. Have firm boundaries. You aren't with him now. You don't have to answer to him. Don't engage in a debate where you're trying to be reasonable and he isn't because he will always ignore your reason. Save yourself the trouble.

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