Really struggling, Ds dad visiting this weekend

[redwineandcrisps]

Ds dad left when I was pregnant, Ds now 6 and it’s always been just the 2 of us. His dad visits once a month and Ds has really started to get upset about this and not want to go with him. I’m struggling with this as I hate seeing Ds upset, but I want him to know his dad and spend time with him, even if that’s just to be able to make his own mind up about their relationship when he’s older.

His dad is here this weekend and I’ve told him Ds is at present refusing to go with him and suggested we took him out together (we generally get on okay) he’s not really keen for this, but has agreed grudgingly.

I keep explaining he needs to call Ds in between visits as a month is too long to go with no contact, he promised he would call last night but didn’t.

I’m just so fed up, Ds is upset and unsettled around the visit. Neither of us hear from inbetween these montly visits, and even when I spelled out how Ds was feeling he didn’t call. I hate him for letting Ds down, for doing the bare minimum, for missing out on how awesome our son is.

Where do I go forward from here? I wish he wasn’t coming this weekend so I could put Ds back together and buy myself some time to make it better some how. I’m feeling rock bottom and I don’t know how to fix this.

I'm not surprised your DS is upset. By and large even fathers who don't live with their children can spare more than 24 days a year for them. DS doesn't need it spelling out to him where he fits on the list of priorities.

Why is this the set up?

You can't force your ex to show more interest and you can't force your DS not to be hurt. I wouldn't be pushing contact at all.

Would he apply to court if you said contact wasn't in DS's best interests do you think?

His dad lives abroad (about an hour away) but is often in this area with work and chooses not to see Ds extra. It used to be a day visit, but I pushed him to do an overnight so he could see him more. I’m regretting that now!

I honestly don’t know what he would do, I suspect nothing, but I’m not sure. He pays no maintenance but was paying school fees, he’s said he can no longer afford to do this as his girlfriend has given up work so wants Ds to move schools too.

I really don’t know how to make this better, do I force Ds to go? Do I go too this weekend? Do I suggest he visits for a day not over night again? Do I suggest he doesn’t visit at all?

He’s very jazz hands parenting, so he does the big aren’t I wonderful for flying over to visit and pay the school fees, but behind the scenes it’s genuinely not like that and Ds is miserable!

Sorry, that was long!

Sounds like your ds would be better off without him. I wouldn't be pushing for contact and if ds dosent want to go either tell him that or maybe he's ill that day.

If he pulls from school fees , go straight to cms though I suspect school fees are far more than anything you would get from cms .

I would think staying overnight with a man you only see once a month . I would drop it down to days and tell him he needs to build up that relationship unless he wants to loose him

Sorry pressed send too soon.

I just don’t know what to do about this weekend. Whether to say don’t bother coming, but I’m scared that will set a precedence of him not coming at all.

My head is fucked, I wish this was simple and I knew how best to work this all out.

Ahhh, it’s feleted first part my post!

I’m NOT having a good day

Basically was saying that as he is abroad there is no CMS agreement and I would
Have to take it to international court if he stopped paying. I can’t even begin to get my head around that!

I would not force ds to go this weekend. If ds was annoyed about dad not having toys, or other superficial issues, then yes you'd make him go, but he's upset because he has no relationship with this guy and has to spend a night with him.

If I had a magic wand, I wouldn’t make him go, but I’m scared of the shit storm and consequences of that.

Ds has said he doesn’t mind seeing him if I’m there and we go out for the day, but I’m not even sure that’s a solution at this point!

You could say we will go out this weekend but I will be taking a real backseat , it is up to you to build up the relationship, from that point on you can see Ds more regularly , contact him by phone / Skype whatever is available but if he doesn’t do that and your Ds doesn’t want to go then you won’t force him.

Ultimately though you cannot make dad and Ds have a relationship if Dad doesn’t try