15 months ago my partner and myself separated. We had a 10 month old baby at the time but he had become so abusive and controlling I just couldn’t cope and was on the verge of suicide. A couple of months previous I attended the doctors and they scored my negative mental health alarmingly high and gave me anti depressants along with some numbers for counselling in my area and I was told to go back in six weeks.
Before we eventually separated I contacted Women’s Aid who again scored me at serious risk. My partner would often keep me up all night and not allow me to sleep despite me having to work two jobs to keep the four of us. He would go through my phone whilst I was asleep to see who I’d been talking to. From day one of mine and my son’s arrival home after birth I was questioned and accused of cheating, this eventually got out of hand. He would regularly come out of work so money was tight, disabling me going out with my friends for food, cinema etc but would regularly disappear in the middle of the night with me unable to contact him then scream and kick off when i got upset about it. He would take my keys so I couldn’t go anywhere and I was told he could do what he likes to me because I had no one to protect me. He would try and make me paranoid and belittle me so I felt inferior. If I tried to leave during a row he would restrain me. He was never physically violent enough to leave proof of it. He also answered my phone one day when I was in the bath, to a counselling agency I was on the waiting list for and told them it wasn’t my number so I couldn’t talk to anyone.
Women’s Aid offered me refuge but I was so ill mentally I couldn’t face leaving my local area and the odd friend I had to start again alone, I just felt too weak, too scared. The council refused to rehome us and told us to stay in people’s houses and if I left the property I’d make myself homeless and so they again wouldn’t help. He went to work one day and I plucked up the courage and got the locks changed and never let him home again.
Months passed and debt collection letters started to pile up from bills he hadn’t paid. He had taken various things out in my name and stopped paying those too so it was running up in my name. For the past 15 months I have been repaying thousands of pounds worth of debt as well as keeping a roof over our heads etc. When I began to feel better I joined university as my career wasn’t suitable as a single mum with a baby. It was also a form of me doing something for me after being told I couldn’t. Times have been so hard this last year, juggling children, work, uni and running a home. My support network isn’t great but I’ve struggled through.
That is until recently. I had a bad time a few months back, I think I had become so exhausted after everything that has happened it just finally hit me like a cannonball. I had to come out of work and have had no support from anyone. I have asked my ex to have his son, he’s currently seen him once in over 3 weeks so he isn’t hands on. He also quit his last job the week I applied for maintenance. I have raised one son alone financially since he was very small and just thought this time I shouldn’t have to, my youngest son was planned between me and his dad and so he should share responsibility. However, this has not been the case. I have £1200 a month to pay full £700 rent, food, car, bills, debts and cloth 2 growing boys. I recently applied for help from universal credit but they deducted all of it back off me apart from £150 so I’m no better off really. I do not expect the tax payer to pay for my children but I have been so depressed these past few months I have physically been sick over the anxiety of going out to work. Crazy considering I used to work 60 hour + weeks regularly.
I am calling out to all you mums and dads who have been in similar situations, where life has been horribly hard and you have come out the other side. At the moment I just feel like bad luck is never ending, like this is going to be it for me for the rest of my life. Please share stories with a light at the end of the tunnel.