Working full time

[ImaSandyGirl]

I could really use some advice please. I'm a single mum to a 3 yr old DD. I've just started a new full time job after being out of work for most of the past 3 years. I really wanted to work part time but had no luck finding anything. I've gone back to work to try to get my career back on track and have a bit more money. The problem is I feel working full time is having a detrimental effect on my dd. I have a 2 your commute per day and my dd is in nursery around ten hours per day. I've hardly seen her the past two weeks. In the morning I'm rushing to get out the door and at night I'm rushing to get her to bed at a reasonable time. Every other weekend she is with her dad who lives over 3 hours away. Tonight she told me that she wished I didn't work so much and it broke my heart. I know that we can't carry on this way and that I'm going to have to quit my job as it isn't fair on her but if I do so it's going to be so hard to find another job. Has anyone been in a similar situation and if so, what did you do? Thank you.

You have to do, what you have to do. Life is a compromise. Better to be earning your own money and showing your child a working ethic than a life on benefits (IMO).

My now OH has an EW. She refused to work for 10 years and (he tells me) it was the reason their marriage fell apart.

When they divorced she still refused to work - kids were 11 & 8 at the time. I can see the lack of work ethic, lack of understanding coming through in the kids. There’s an expectation that someone else will pay.

Your situation is tough. Personally I salute you.

Are there any other ways to make it more workable? Move closer? Would you be able to reduce hours through the week and work on the weekends when you don't have DD? Or is there a possibility of a job share or cutting hours after being there a while? Work there while continuing to look for a closer/part time position? I sympathise - whatever you choose to do you'll think you're doing the wrong thing.

Northern I'm not sure how accurate stories about exes are. Maybe she refused to work because he wasnt there to help with kids and the only job she could get was a few hours cleaning at night or something....

I wouldn’t quit. It’s always easier to get another job when in a job. Just keep looking for a pt or closer job to move to. Or investigate putting in a flexible working request where you are after your probation period.

@Whiskaspie - when they went to court for their divorce finances (I have since seen the transcripts of court) she stated that ‘all mothers who work are bad mothers and she couldn’t be expected to work’. Judge told her to get a job and start supporting herself.

Kids were 8 & 11 at the time. She thinks that all work is beneath her.

My 13 year old DSD told me recently.... mummy said I don’t need to work hard at school because men pay for us (I kid you not).

She now very begrudging works 16 hours now (and we never hear the end of it). I work circa 45 hours a week with a 2.5 hour daily commute. I’m glad my parents taught me if you want something you graft for it.

In this case (IMO) there’s someone who doesn’t have a work ethic.

Try and find a job with less commute. Unfortunately it's a common theme with parents : kids that children have long days. I think it's about finding the right balance for your family. There's no right or wrong as to how many hours you should work it's about affordability and what works for your family so ignore people who say otherwise.

That sounds hard. Am in a similar position but kids are older. Do you think that you could move closer to work? That becomes much harder when kids are at school but could be possible now? I have just managed to negotiate down to 4 days- that may well be possible for you too? Or shorter days?

@NorthernSpirit that's a different matter then. I know someone on the other side of all that, who actually had very good reason not to be working, but has been portrayed as a lazy waster by husbands side of the family. Of course, they dont care to hear the reality.

You are doing brilliant, well done for everything you’ve achieved so far. Lots of mothers do this, you can do it, get organised and get into routines. It gets easier as they get older, not everyone has the option of part time, and part time would not have kept a roof over our heads.

Explain to your DD that mummy needs to do this, she won’t understand as she has had 100% of your time. The weekends you have her, do something special together. But you need to get your career back on track, give yourself some time in your current role to get it onto your CV. It’s easier to find work when you’re already employed.

Look at it from the angle that this is for both of you, a better standard of living, giving her the opportunity to do music, brownies, ballet, anything she wants.

It's really hard balancing act, @imasandygirl.

Have you considered all the possible ways of making your current job work? I have 50% residence with my daughters, and live in Northants while working a senior public sector role that requires me to be in London a lot. My employers have been very good in allowing me to work at home for a couple of days a week, which has allowed me to make it work. I don't know if that's a possibility in your role, but everybody has a legal right to request family friendly working arrangements (it doesn't mean they have to be granted). If your employer rates you, then simply having a discussion with them about the challenges you're facing could allow you and them to come up with some creative solutions to help make it work. Have a think about what changes to your working arrangements could make a difference, then think about what's in it for your employer of they accommodate those, and then have a chat. You might be surprised as to what they will make work.

Otherwise, as others have said, it is always easier to find a new role when you already have one, so definitely worth holding out for as long as you can while searching for a new role.

It's always hard when tour child tells you they'd like to have you around more. But remember that you're also a role model, and you're showing your daughter that women can have a career, be mum, and be independent. And that is something that she will most certainly appreciate as she grows.

It is hard. I worked full-time for all of DD’s childhood. I ended up getting (and staying far too long in 🙄) one job that was 5 mins drive from her school, because I had to prioritise her drop-offs and pick-ups over my career progression.

I used to drop her to school for 8.50 and be at my desk for 9. Then I would leave work at 5.30 and collect her from after-school club.
When she was older she would walk home from school with her friends and take herself to Girl Guides etc.

She’s 17 now and very independent. She works incredibly hard at her studies and has a part-time job and a great social life. So so far so good 🤞

I was going to ask a near identical question to OP's. My concern is having to overnight at other work locations or to attend conferences, my big worry is if I have to go into hospital for some reason.

I can't rely on my stbxw as she is an addict with a diagnosed psychotic disorder and only has supervised contact. Before becoming a lone parent we were a nuclear family no other relatives and her issues made us even more isolated (the kids are on child protection because of it), so now we're sub-atomic rather than nuclear.

The dd's are 13 &11 although pretty sensible, are quite highly strung about being left alone even for a couple of hours while I do a shop.

I've pretty much got before and after school sorted and holidays too, but this week has thrown a spanner in the works because dd2 has a throat infection and is on a course of antibiotics and the GP said stay off school with it.

My worry is not having any "after hours" help I guess

It's really hard bless you. I've worked f/t since my son was 4, worked 30 hours until he started school. He is 11 now and the guilt doesn't stop I'm afraid. My situation is different as his father isn't involved so I have him full time. I've always felt I have to work f/t to keep us in the lifestyle we're used to but I've often wondered over the years if I made the right choices especially when he was smaller as they do grow so quick. I don't think it's affected our relationship we have a very strong bond but I do feel I missed out on things with him. I hope you find a solution you're happy with

Really though, what option do normal people have if they are left bringing up baby?? You've got to work to pay the bills.
The whole 'mum stays at home' thing is a middle class affectation. All around the world there are average and poor mums slaving away to provide. Don't be sucked in by the trope of motherhood and apple pie. Plus, when your daughter is at school very very soon, things get easier. You've only got the before/after school period to feel guilty about rather than the whole day!

As pp said it's easier to get a job when you've already got one. Stay in the job, you and your DD will get used to it and once you've got a bit of recent work experience on your cv you can look for work locally to you to cut down on the commute time. If it's a possibility and you have a decent salary then moving closer to your existing job would work too.

It is much better to work than subsist on benefits for both you and your DD's sake. Working full time is difficult but it does get easier and once she has adapted to being in nursery it will be much better for your dd as she will spend time playing with friends.

Yes, that was me. My children are now 19 and 16. Did it affect them? In reflection I would say it had some positives and negatives. The biggest positive is that it has taught them to be resilient, independent and used to routine and these are very valuable qualities. My 19 year old is now studying medicine and this self-discipline has without a doubt helped her getting there. My DS is also very self disciplined, never has to be woken up or told to study.

Looking back, I think the biggest negative is that this self-reliance and independence they've acquired mean that we are not as closed as many parents seem to be with their kids. We are very closed emotionally and if they are upset, they will come straight to me for support and guidance but they would rather go out with their friends than me and ultimately we don't share many interests altbough not sure how much it is that we didn't do as much together or that we just have different interests. I do envy parents who share their passion/hobby with their kids.

I think this stems from the fact that working FT whilst bringing them up properly gradually took a toll on me. It didn't help that my jobs were very stressful and I ended up chronically fatigued. It's not great to have a mum who always looks knackered.

Would I do things differently looking back? For the benefit of my kids I wouldn't. They are happy, confident, hard working kids and the money I earned allowed them to experience many things they otherwise wouldn't. I asked them once if they'd wished I hadn't work so much and both of them looked at me as if I was mad to ask and said that they were grateful I gave them so many opportunities.

However, I now feel that I'm the one who missed out a bit on being a mum, always rushing, tired too often and I wish I could have had more time to enjoy seeing them growing up.

All in all though, I don't have any regrets.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I feel a bit less guilty now. I've decided to stick with this job for 6 months and then look for part time work. I've also arranged to drop my DD at nursery 15 mins earlier in the morning at 7.30 rather than 7.45. It costs extra, but traffic should be slightly better and i should be in by 8.30 (whereas it has been closer to 9) and I'm going to ensure i leave dead on 4.30, which means i should be at nursery to pick up my dd by 5.30 (it was closer to 6pm when i left at 5). Working full time with a long and stressful commute is bloody hard and physically im struggling. This w/e my DD has been at her dads (again, not easy as i had a 5 hour drive yesterday to take her). I'm exhausted and not done a thing in the house and feel stressed about that. I need to be a lot more organised and really look after my health more. I am planning to stop smoking (im reading allen carr) which will help with the tiredness, and also go to bed earlier and if i can, try to get some exercise, maybe do a 15 min walk during my lunch break per day.

Sounds like you’re getting in control! Definitely give up the smoking, so expensive as well as bad for you. I agree with you re the dropping her off earlier- any thing you can do to make your life at all easier will help. Would they let you do one day at home do you think?

Thanks Squeegle, I did think about asking whether I can work one day at home but I'm not really sure if that's going to be possible, due to the nature of the role.

It's worth asking though OP..you never know and that home office day is a life saver for me.

I know it's exhausting and you want to relax on your "alone" weekends but really try and catch up while you can.

I try and use those weekends to bulk shop (plenty of UHT milk for emergencies, loaves of bread in the freezer and meal plans where I can. I don't have home delivery here, but if you do, can you shop In your lunch hour for delivery when you're home?

And also I try to make some things for the freezer if I can. I keep a few shop lasagnes or cannellonis in the freezer (the ones from Aldi are good value) and a few pizzas, soups etc incase I'm feeling stressed or rushed.

I deep clean the bathrooms, get the beds changed etc on these weekends too, so I can have more free time with DS on the weekends he's here.

I try to spend my Sunday completely relaxed and in bed as long as I can though!!!

Keep the job and continue looking for part time? I do 30 hours I wouldn't go back to 40 even when my kids grow up it's exhausting constantly rushing

It’s so hard to find part time though; it’s easier (although not easy!) to get a reduction in a current job - especially now they have to take it seriously if you ask formally.