Protecting DS from narc ex

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Been separated from DS father for several years. DS is 8.

Their relationship isn’t great, ex never stuck to routine, never prioritised ds. Their contact time was “his” time. Basically ex expects ds to revolve around him in the save way he expects the whole world to.

Lots of conversations over the years with ex, expressing concerns about the impact of his attitude. All fallen on deaf ears. His way or no way, he’s always right, everything is always someone else’s fault or responsibility- including ds.

How do I protect ds from the fall out? He often doesn’t want to see his Dad, I think he’s distanced himself sadly. Dad makes shitty comments, guilt trips ds(“you haven’t rang me for 2 days, I’m so sad”) and gets huffy and confrontational(with an 8 year old!)

I’ve always just reassured DS, he’s quite a sensitive little thing, given lots of love and hugs but managed to keep a strong routine and he’s a really lovely kid. He does well at school, is well liked by peers and teachers and everyone speaks highly of him apart from his dad

Anyone have any experiences to share? I do speak up against ex btw, I pull him on his shitiness and point out how damaging it is but clearly as a narc he’s not gonna suddenly change his ways.

Remind your DS regularly that we are all responsible for our own happiness it is not his position as a child to ensure his Dad is happy.

Have a very similar situation with my DS (9) and his Dad who has been in and out if his life although pretty consistent for the past year.

The trouble is that ExH believes that because he is now behaving himself (relatively) all is well and refuses to accept the effects of his past actions. I had to step in when he told me he wanted DS to make more of an effort in phoning him. I simply told him that DS owes him nothing and the relationship they have is his responsibility.

I have a similar situation, ex refuses to contact DC on a regular basis, has often left it up to them, not realising that the child craves validation that their father loves them enough to WANT to contact them, that he cares enough to NEED to contact them.

Contact is very much on his terms or not all, this time it has been over 2 months since last visit in August.

All you can do is be there for your child. Support them and make them realise that THEY have done nothing wrong, that their father is a grownup who makes his own decisions and that he can continue to blame everyone else for everything, but ultimately HE is the only one responsible for his life and his decisions.

A child should not be made responsible for contact, my solicitor told me that, as well as people involved with family support services.

It is so tough to see your DC going through it, but all you can do is be there for them and keep on giving them a sense of self worth and boost their self esteem

Thank you all, such a shame for the children.

It’s so deep rooted, not just about reliability but low level stuff. Mannerisms, negativity, criticism, all down to the fact he is projecting his own guilt.

Anything that ds holds dear is put down too- cos his dads never been arsed to involve himself.

I do big ds up, make sure he gets lots of praise and have recently started to say “please don’t listen to what your dad says” or “dad gets grumpy and it’s not our fault so please don’t worry”.

Ds has admitted to me that he agrees to do stuff rather than face any anger off his dad. I’ve told him to never ever feel he has to do that. To tell me and I’ll deal with it.

Ex is genuinely the only blight on our lives

It gets easier as they get older and begin to see things for themselves and understand things.

Don't say bad things about his father, I am always careful to be very bland. When DC was younger I would say, what a shame he is so busy. Now I just say, well he is a grown up, who makes his own decisions, nothing you can do about it.

I am blamed for all the lack of contact, but even DC can see that a grown man is responsible himself for whether or not he picks up the phone or sends a text.

Like you, I’ve always covered for him, “oh he must be at work” etc.

Ds is starting to see what he is like sadly, and I’ve had to be more honest and blunt with him about his dad. Telling him it’s not acceptable to be speak to people as his dad does, and that it’s not acceptable for his dad to blame ds for anything.