Advice on absent parent

[Seren96]

My son is 5 years old. His father hasn't been actively involved since he was a baby. We don't see him at all, but I know from mutual acquaintances that he blames me (this really cuts deep when I hear it ) for his not seeing him rather than re assessing where his values lay and making any conscious effort to spend time with his son. It doesn't have to be a lengthy and expensive court case to sort things. It was simply that together, we couldn't agree. There were a lot of arguments and issues between us initially after separating so I thought the best way to manage things was to gain residency of my son, he would take our son and refuse to bring him home etc on one occasion for days and there was nothing I could do, no communication, I had no idea when my child would be back, as a mother this was torture. I thought for stability purposes for our son and for some boundary setting around how things could positively move forward with such poor communication this was a good step ( court granted this due to previous DV issues ) and for the court to decide his contact so that we didn't have to communicate direct and could just go forward from there. He never applied for contact and has never asked for contact since. I flit between guilt and worry as to whether things have been done the right way. Should I be chasing him to see his son? Will my son blame me he doesn't have a father? How do I explain this to my son as he gets older? I just couldn't deal with him direct any longer and maintain my own well-being to be a good parent. His parents had contact for a little while and this was lovely, I would say just under a year of his life but this has fizzled our, mainly because I think it's an awkward situation for them, supporting me as a parent and seeing their grandson when their son isn't involved at all. We all agreed it was best that they didn't instigate contact between my son and his father without the stability of a court order between us as parents to manage any conflict that could arise, luckily this hasn't effected my son as he was too young to remember but I really hate it that we weren't able to keep that link to the paternal family and manage to keep it up. Have any others been in a similar circumstance? Am I to blame for the steps I made early on to protect myself / us after domestic violence and to get some structure in place so our son wasn't involved / exposed to constant conflict? To me, if he was bothered he would want to formally make an arrangement so we don't have to deal with one another as much as possible and he could just enjoy set time with his son. But am I responsible for sorting this for him? I've always said I'm open to discussing things but in the absence of any invite to do so where does that leave us? Any others who have been in a similar circumstance your advice would be appreciated. It makes it really difficult for me to move on with my life as I'm constantly wondering if and when he will re appear, not because I'm worried about him applying for contact but because things were left so open when we last spoke. I wouldn't contact him direct over this. He doesn't pay maintenance, it wouldn't feel right taking money when he doesn't see him and to be honest I'd rather the money was spent making contact than bitterly sent over as maintenance and used as another negative against my actions. His father is nearly 40 I too am in the same age bracket. At present he's never asked about his father, he's happy and well adjusted and it just hasn't come up. We have done family tree etc and I've always told him who his father is, he has a picture of him in his drawer in his bedroom so if he ever does / did ask it's there. I know this will come up one day and I worry that I've done wrong even though my heart tells me I didnt. Thank you x

It sounds to me like things are exactly as they should be.

I'm in a similar situation. You're blaming yourself, why? Imagine if you did what he does, and just stayed away from your child because his father hadn't run after you begging you to see him. You just wouldn't ever, would you? You wouldn't choose not to see your child, not know how they're doing.
The same goes for his family. It's odd to me that they've chosen not to have contact with this child and you're not more angry about it.

I'm in the same-ish situation and I'm livid, not only at my ex but his whole family too. He is an abusive person, and they're choosing him and his comfort etc over being their for a CHILD. That's just so violent.

You're doing the right thing. You've had a child with a dickhead who doesn't want to be a parent for whatever reason, and he's blaming you to be able to live with himself. He'd bring nothing to your child's life but misery.

Keep on as you are, looking after and protecting your child. You're doing great. It's okay to be sad sometimes and angry sometimes, or nervous. But the best thing is to try to ignore it all and just focus on you and your child and the life that you do have, rather than the one you could have had if his dad wasn't such a wanker.

❤️

Hi. Thanks for the reply. I'm not angry with his parents purely because I've tried to put myself in their shoes and see their perspective at being put in the middle of their son / me. I am only
Thankful that it was when my son was younger and not now when he's older otherwise I probably would be angry at the impact that could of had on him mentally with family being in and out of his life. I think I'm having a bad few weeks and just worry when I hear that all these years later he still
vocalises blame for me rather than just sort it if that's what he really wants. How did you explain absent parent to your child. I haven't had to approach this with my son yet ? X

He say this is a be careful what you wish for situation.

Your ex continued to be abusive . Not knowing where your Ds for days is part of control. Do you really want your Ds growing up with someone who thinks this is ok.

I would also add block him on s. Media. It is not your fault. He was unreasonable. Do you ever hear anyone say I don’t see my children because I was abusive , was unable to prioritise my dc, couldn’t be bothered.

I had abusive ex . My Ds now 11 knows if his dad ever asked to see him it would need to go to court to make sure this was the right thing for him ( over my dead body has remained in my head )

My situation is a little different, as my my children's father left their life a little over a year ago. So I've very much had to explain to them what was going on and deal with their grief.

When they ask about it now, I tell them that their dad is too unwell to be a father to them right now, but that he loves them very much. That's about all I can say to them.
Any variation of this works.

"Your dad isnt able to be a healthy grown up for you right now. But he loves you."

"Your dad isn't well at the moment and isn't good for us to be around. He loves you very much"

"Your dad was not able to be a proper parent, even though he loves you very much. This happens sometimes."

And I want to say that although it's lovely of you to want to see their perspective, at the end of the day it's a child we're talking about, and they should always be the priority.

I hope your hard period ends soon xxx

Thanks for all your messages. You are all right, I have made sure that my son has been a priority. I just think it's hard sometimes to not want the picture box ideal. Life isn't like that though. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow and thank you all for your advice and support and sharing your experiences xxx

I never tell my DS his dad loves him.. I don't want him to think this is an ok way to behave to someone you love.
I tell him. I haven't spoken to your dad in years so cannot talk for him how he feels.

I understand OP. I get seriously miserable sometimes at how things have turned out... wish I could go back and pick a different dad for them sometimes !

You need to stop all this second guessing. I understand that you feel guilty and wish for better for your son but you are not responsible for your ex's actions.
Are you doing your best for your son? Yes. Then that's where your responsibility ends. Clear all this other crap out of your brain and move forward.
I used to try to encourage/facilitate contact and now don't bother. If DD asks me about her dad I tell her I don't know, she will have to ask him but I can tell her that I love her with all MY heart. I can't speak for other people.
It's extremely liberating and you will thank yourself for it.

Thank you. Xx

I haven’t been able to read this fully yet (sorry) but even just having a quick read through I cant see how you can blame yourself. You have done everything you feel is right and that is your job as a Mom.

My situation is, I have a 4 year old DS. His Dad has not made contact with him now in 3 years. And though I feel this is exactly how it should be (as I don’t want anyone around my DS who cannot be consistent with him) it still cuts deep when I hear I am responsible for him not seeing his DS. As this couldn’t be further from the truth! I was the one who sought legal advice, whereas he just made out he had. Apparently I never turned up to mediation, which is funny really as how could I of known to be present at mediation if I had no knowledge that I was required to attend. It was actually a Solicitor who hit me with the hard reality that ‘this man is more interested in what you are doing and has no interest in your DS’. That was particularly hard, but what I needed to hear to stop begging him and allow him to prove himself to my DS. He never! And though it hurts, as time has gone on I have the most wonderful, happy little boy and that is down to me.

My ex left me when I fell pregnant. He spread around that I had raped him, slept with my boss, trapped him, despite being in a relationship for a while. He was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive and I was so infatuated with him I would do anything to make him happy. Everything but get rid of my baby. When he realised he could not sweet talk me this is when he left, and it was the worst time of my life. Three weeks later he returned and foolishly I took him back, desperate to have the family I had always dreamed of. The reality was he made my life hell. He didn’t help, paid for nothing, got me in loads of debt, kept willing me to lose the baby as I had a terrible pregnancy. Looking back it was terrible, his family fully supported him too and made my life unbearable. I was so depressed but as he told me, I had made my bed and I needed to lie in it and he reveled in me struggling and him being able to watch and laugh with a beer in his hand.
To cut a long story short, I painted the happiest of pictures but I hated life. I hated being a Mom. I adored my DS so knew I could never harm myself, but trapped doesn’t even come close to describing how I felt. He made me ill. I knew he was cheating. I was convinced, yet he convinced me that I was mad, so I got myself medicated. I honestly felt like I deserved this and that I was insane. Lets just say when I found out I was right about him, I didn’t feel anything but relief and closure on my love for him. However as a responsible adult/parent sharing a child with him I made his life easy to have the access. But he chose to stay away for 3 months initially, missing my DS first birthday. I always say there is the rejection you feel personally, but when you feel someone has rejected your child there is no feeling like it. Because that pain and guilt was so intense and my DS deserved a family I took him back after being begged. It was important we got on for my son, and we did. We were like best friends. We appeared happy. But things hadn’t changed. He was still cheating., lying, being abusive but I stayed for my son, despite me not being in love with him. Then one day when I felt totally detached I was done. But I left the door open for his relationship with my DS. To say he was erratic and inconsistent is an understatement. He would leave my DS crying at the door having failed to pick him up again. Yet when he did show up I would cook him his dinner etc so he could eat with his son and spend time. Everything had to be done at my house. Never in public or on his own. And looking back all he did was ask what I was getting up to and sitting on his phone. As my feelings had detached it was easy to not bite at him, but he always found ways to cause an argument to leave, which I was happy for him to do so, so my son and anxious dog wasn’t around it. After another while of no contact I get a message from him to say this is where he draws the line and choses his girlfriend. I remember saying ‘I want you to remember what you have just said as I will not be chasing you’. And that was that. I got an email 10 months later accusing me of stopping him. I reminded him of what he said and said ok lets arrange you to see him on this date, time, place etc…and he didn’t show.

Why have I told you all this, (and that’s honestly a brief overview)? Because it still hurts to this day, but I realise you cannot force anyone to do something they don’t want to. My ex lied, was violent, blamed me for everything but I am satisified I did everything I could to make his like and relationship with my DS easy. He did not want to know! Nor did his family. I sometimes look at photos and am reminded of how much I loved him, but quickly realise how much hardship he left us in and how I have those awful questions from my DS. In fact I have kept every message and email. I wrote a letter to my son for when he is older and man that was a painful reminder of how bad things were. So as selfish as I may sound, I am fully satisfied I have acted in my DS best interests by continuing our lives and starting over and creating a happy loving home. I want him to have realistic expectations of love and self love. It’s incredibly hard hearing a little voice asking ‘why doesn’t my daddy want me? Does he want to work and not see me?’ ‘ My daddy doesn’t want me does he’. I cry over it, in front of him as I don’t want to shield him from emotion. But I just say Mommy cannot answer that as I don’t know where your Daddy is, so Mommy cant answer for him, but you have so many people around you who love and adore you, so always remember you don’t need anyone around you who you need to ask Mommy where they are.
I am so lucky that my DS is so laid back. He will ask but wont push. He has been known to say’ I haven’t got a Daddy. My Mommy is my Dad and my Mommy is the best’. Which makes me feel incredible.

My point in all this is, to many people I am this evil witch who tried to trap my DS dad and because he didn’t want me I made his life damn difficult to see his child. All I can say is LOL. Biggest load of bullshit ever! And that’s what keeps me going. Life has made me realise none of these people matter. They make no difference to my sons life and I honestly don’t give a shit what anyone thinks of me as none of them have lived my life with that man. He is so lucky that people believe his bullshit, but that’s all he has. A fantasy life to hide behind the real fact his a piece of shit person. My son is happy, constantly smiling, thriving and doing well. If anyone wants to have an opinion of me then go ahead. All I care is that my son knows his Mommy loves him which I have no doubt he does. He tells everyone. Self love is so important and this is what I needed to work on to be the best I could be for my child.

If you need to message me please do xx