Controlling Grandmother making me furious

[Afletcher]

Hi everyone,

I’m a single parent to a beautiful 3 year old girl. We have the most special bond, everyone comments on how happy she is and how she’s my mini best friend.

My mother disagrees with every parenting choice I make just for the sake of disagreeing.
I took my daughter on holiday with some friends and their children...my mum told me that it was a bad idea ‘trying to manage’ abroad alone. We had the best time!

I took my daughter for her first hair cut a couple of years ago and my mum didn’t speak to me for a week for not including her.

We have a brilliant routine usually but I’m flexible when it comes to things like an evening birthday party/dinner out for special occasions. My mum will berate me in front of my daughter about how it’s a bad idea to attend her nursery friend’s birthday party from 530-7pm on a Friday evening because it’s ‘not her routine.’

I get constant meaaages asking what we’re up to of an evening or weekend, if I tell her we’ve spent a Saturday afternoon at a soft play, my mum will ask ‘did you keep an eye on her.’ ‘Did you check she needed the toilet while she was playing.’ ‘Did you give her any lunch.’ I’m almost 30 and have been a great mum for the last 3 years so I’m struggling to understand why she would think I’d suddenly forget to feed my daughter one day, or leave her in a public space unattended!

I was with someone for a year and a half but we broke up partly due to my mum’s constant interfering. His parents adored my daughter and wanted us all over for family Sunday lunch etc but my mum would turn up when she knew we were about to set off to go to tell me how it wasn’t a good idea to let [redacted] get attached because it probably wouldn’t work out. When we were viewing houses to move into all together, my mum told me she’d never babysit or participate if we moved in with my now ex partner. His only crime was loving her daughter and granddaughter.

I’ve been through some trauma at work recently and have resigned through ACAS. Whilst I’m not working for the next few weeks, I’m more lax on pickup and drop off times at nursery. For example arriving at 9 and collecting at 4 rather than arriving at 8 and collecting at 530pm. My mum has just spent 20 minutes outlining how I’m a bad mother for not keeping the usual nursery routine and insinuating that my daughter’s entire development will now be thrown into turmoil because of it...before suggesting I let her collect my daughter today at 330pm to get ready to trick or treat!! I’m in floods of tears. I just cannot understand how everyone else in our lives remarks how happy/healthy/advanced my daughter is and confide they’re sometimes envious of our close bond yet my own mother seems to think I’m the worst parent in the world.

Am I overreacting by wanting to cut contact with her? This isn’t good for my wellness, nor my daughter’s. she’ll never change and I don’t want all this negativity in our lives

This post was edited by MNHQ

Back away and start being vague about your lives.
I am nc with my dm for interfering among other things.
You sound like a fab dm and your dd must enjoy your company!!

Do what you need to do, you don't want your daughter picking up on her negativity.

Bloody hell that sounds a nightmare.
I had Dd1 at 15 and my mum was nothing like that.

It's simple, stand up to her every time.
Ask her out right what her problem is
Distance yourself a bit and don't tell her any of your plans.
If she asks stupid questions like did you feed her, keep an eye on her, answer with sarcasm. "Oh, I remember now, I forgot she would need feeding"

Don't tell her all the details of your life so she can't criticise. Don't tell her if you are going to a party, don't tell her if you are going out to lunch. Step away from her and don't allow her to control you. Keep part of your life private, she doesn't need to know everything.

When I do that, she accuses me of being a ‘compulsive liar’ or if I don’t answer the phone/respond to a message, she messages again to say she’ll come to my house to check we’re okay as she’s worried about a lack of response.

My daughter adores her and I would hate for her to not be able to see my mum but I just have no idea how to get away from it.

I’ve done the sarcasm thing on a regular basis (‘shit, you mean I’ve got to feed it? This small person didn’t come with a manual, how is anyone meant to know to do that’ etc) but she cries and accuses me of being ungrateful about how much she cares.

She’ll offer me money to ‘help out.’ When I decline, she calls me a martyr and will buy gifts for my daughter anyway and tell me not to feel bad that she can afford to do that and to make the most of it. It sounds like such a kind thing to an outsider but it is to get at me.

Silly things like how a toddler bed duvet only comes in a maximum of a 4 tog will mean that mum buys a second duvet so that my daughter doesn’t get cold (we have central heating, her bedroom is always at an optimal temperature) and then hound me until I say I’m now using both duvets for her...even after ive explained til I’m blue in the face that she doesn’t need 2 duvets on her bed and that what I decide is final. I left the new one in the packaging but when she came for a coffee the other day, she saw it hadn’t been opened and that’s when the ‘you’re a liar’ tirade starts. It’s such a weird situation to be in.

Start meeting her away from your home, make plans with other people /stuff she won't do - library /swimming. If she comes round uninvited tell dd it's hide and seek and hide upstairs til she has gone!!
Remember your dd is too young to realise the damage she can do - you need to minimise the chances of her being affected by her attitude while she is young. Supervised time only and less of it!

The constant checking up and unnecessary contact would suffocate me. No wonder your boyfriend left. Does she have nothing else in her life other than you and your daughter? It really isn't healthy for you.
The liar comments would lead me to say 'my daughter,my way' and if she doesn't respect that, there's the door.
You've got to develop your own relationships without her interfering.

Bloody Hell OP! You poor thing. She sounds like an emotional blackmailer to me! I can't believe she managed to wreck your relationship (saying she won't ever babysit etc!!) what a spiteful woman she is.

As others have said, you really need to start distancing yourself from her. She isn't happy unless she is micromanaging yours/your DD's life and it's bang out of order.

Do what you want, when you want and don't allow her to manipulate you in to changing your plans. You sound like a lovely Mum to DD and you only get one life, live it as you see fit! If it means having a big fall out with "D"M then so be it. She will be the one who loses out in the long run.

Stay strong 💪🏼 I hope you manage to meet another DP in time and build a home together, away from this negativity.

I think you need to tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and if she carries on, then you will not be able to continue to have her in your life.

I would also call her on it . Tell her you can’t get on with caring for your dd while answering all her texts so while sh is awake you are ignoring your phone.

If you do reply what you up to ? Usual stuff.

It reminds me of controlling ex and ignore any ridiculous questions did you feed her etc. If she asks reply . I didn’t think you could actually be serious

Repeat everything back to her

'Did I take her to the toilet?'
'Did I remember to feed her?'
'Id struggle abroad?'

She won't be able to answer - say it in the same accusing tone she's using

Set up a bank account for DD and pass on her details to gran - every time she wants to give money

Another stick line ' well I learnt my parenting skills from my mother'

How awful, I think u def need to talk to her, as your daughter gets older this could impact on u and ur daughters relationship if she is around alot. Your daughter will Mimic and undermine u if she sees your mother talk to u like that. Next time she goes on about ur ex, tell her the only Reason it didn't work out was because of your mother being overbearing... Maybe she needs help seeing how she impacts u and her grandaughters life x

If you posted this exact thread, but replace "mother" with "partner/husband", you would have nothing but "LTB" in your replies, and rightly so. Its emotional abuse and unacceptable from anyone, least of all your own mother. I would be taking my DD and retreating from this woman before she cause the poor girl the same upset she is causing you. You do not owe her a thing.