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Original poster

Do you regret leaving? Is it worth it? And why?

13 replies

Betsyboop123 · 24/10/2018 18:17

Is it worth ending an emotionally abusive relationship, I struggle to see it as abuse but it's not a healthy relationship and I don't love him anymore as he just goes out his way to be difficult and a part of me really wants to leave and start again, but we have two kids and I'm honestly afraid. I'm afraid he will get 50% custody as he does nothing (bar play with them here and there chasing them for five min and occasionally makes them a sandwich at lunch on the odd weekend). I'm afraid of how manipulative he will be and how he and his family will harass me (I've seen them do it, it's not obvious to anyone outside the situation what they're doing). Is it worth leaving and risking my babies for so much crap anyway... I will miss out on all special occasions birthdays, Christmas etc as I know he will find a way to make sure i pay and my kids hate me.

Was it better when u left?

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CandyCreeper · 24/10/2018 20:55

for me i do regret it but in a opposite way. ex is now absent so doesnt see the kids at all! i wouldnt mind 50/50. would he bother going for 50/50 if he doesnt bother much with them as it is??

Original poster
Betsyboop123 · 24/10/2018 21:15

Yeh he wud cos he wud think it be all fun and games and he wud wsnt to hurt me, very much a possession to him and their family. Then he wud be moaning at them (he calls them idiot, morons, retards) when they're being naughty he personally puts them down. I want him. Involved as u do ur ex but I don't want it to be more than it is now so he can cope and two they will be kept to a similar routine to what they have now x

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pumpkinpie01 · 24/10/2018 21:18

Oh my god he speaks to the kids like that ! That’s absolutely disgusting has he no idea how damaging that is for them ?! Do you think they would want to even see him if he barely bothers with them and speaks to them like that ?!

Original poster
Betsyboop123 · 24/10/2018 22:49

He bothers for the fun stuff. Plays with them for ten min when he gets home and in small doses throughout the weekend but does none of the house or other parenting needs, so when he is doing stuff and trying to deal with them to he gets stressed and says stuff. He doesn't know he's doing it and somehow it ends up my fault when I call him on it. They love him though all over him x

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HoundOfTheBasketballs · 24/10/2018 22:54

No. I don't regret it. It's still difficult, all the problems and dickhead behaviour don't suddenly go away because we're not together anymore.
But even when it's at its worst now, it's never as bad as it was when we were together. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore.

CandyCreeper · 24/10/2018 22:56

the norm with contact seems to be every other weekend plus half the holidays. i would be pushing for that over 50/50 how old are the children??

pumpkinpie01 · 24/10/2018 22:59

As you don’t love him your feelings aren’t suddenly going to change , splitting up is hard emotionally, financially but long term you will be doing what’s best for yourself and the kids and you will all be happier. I have no regrets splitting with my XH and 2 years later met my DH I’m so happy , makes me realise what an absolute idiot ( putting it mildly) my ex was . Have you sorted a financial plan for being a single mum ?

Seniorschoolmum · 24/10/2018 23:44

Not for a second.

My ds no longer sees his df drunk, he is safer, more secure and life is much calmer.
Oddly he has a better relationship with his dad now because ex has to make an effort, and there no distractions, so they spend MORE time together, not less

Original poster
Betsyboop123 · 25/10/2018 08:14

Thank u for the advice. I was just worried cos his family got 50/50 and u know they wud expect it, but as much as he loves the kids he wudnt cope and he doesn't realise the emotional abuse sometimes rubs on them with calling them personal insults. Pumpkinpie01 I am trying to figure out a financial plan. I will only be able to work around 10-12 hrs for the first two years so would have to depend on benefits for awhile which worries me.

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pumpkinpie01 · 25/10/2018 12:20

Have you run through an estimation online for tax credits ? Housing benefit ? Be firm in your decisions when you tell him , I ended up trying again for the kids sake , that really was not a good idea !

Original poster
Betsyboop123 · 25/10/2018 12:42

I would get max £500 towards rent of around £850-900. And I would get between £1200-1800 depending on which calculator I used. I have been trying for four years I guess I knew I wasn't happy but I thought it was just a clash in what we wanted. The thing is if I go I will just have to plan and leave if I tell him he will take the kids and strip the house or something manipulative. I got to get my head straight, plan and just go. I can't get a deposit for private tho so I am unsure of what to do x

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pumpkinpie01 · 26/10/2018 00:08

Have you got somewhere to go for a while so you can save up a deposit for renting ? It sounds like he is going to be super awkward but just keep remembering it’s better long term for you and the kids and think how much happier you will be. I wish I had done it sooner , life is too short to be with a controlling man !

Original poster
Betsyboop123 · 26/10/2018 21:08

I haven't pumpkin that's the issue I was hoping to go to family so I cud get a deposit but definatly an option now. I am just so scared of how awkward he will be and I'm worried ill do it in the hopes I'll free but I won't ever be. I just got to woman up haha and maybe see if the council could help me until I get the money from the hosue, I'm assuming he will drag that out. Thank u.

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