How often should I expect children's father to respond to my messages?

[luffly1]

I'm new to this and not sure what to expect.

'D' H and I have very recently split up and he's staying at his parents' in another town. We have two DCs aged 6 and 8 and they've gone to be with him for half term. I'm finding it very difficult because, in marked contrast to last week when the children were with me, DH provides no updates whatsoever and takes ages to respond to any messages from me. I don't message often I hasten to add - once per day in the evening to see if the DCs would like to Skype at some stage.

I'm looking through my messages from the past few weeks and they're filled with updates from me: 'DC1 has lost a tooth!' [photo], 'Are you available to Skype sometime soon', etc. Now our positions have changed and I'm still the one trying to initiate contact.

Am I being silly? The children are still quite young and DH and I are both used to talking to them almost every day. Would it be normal to go for a week without chatting to them? I just don't know what to expect.

Sorry. I never messaged them as it made it harder for everyone. You have to do what's best for them and it's probably isn't what you'd like. It makes it harder for them to settle if you are reminding them you're alone etc.

I think if they wished to speak to you they would? They would ask him?

Some people are just shit with messages, my husband is for example.

Maybe you don't need to be so full on when they are with you?

My experience is that they tend to want to speak at inopportune times (they're kids, they live in the moment!) so would say 'Let's call Daddy!' at 7:30am or after bedtime if they couldn't sleep. For that reason I went proactive and would message DH to see if he was available to talk.

I'm finding that he doesn't respond at all via text and then (like just happened now) the phone goes half an hour later and it's not always the handiest moment for me. Like tonight when I needed the loo!

If it's 'full on' to update DH on his own children each day then yeah, I guess I must be . I will leave it in future.

I think when it’s the other parent’s time you should only expect a message in an emergency. If your sons want to call he’ll message you and ask if it’s an ok time. You’ve got to just let them get on with it, as hard as it is. I have to sometimes sit on my hands when dd is at her dad’s! But he gets in touch if necessary, and the rest of the time it’s his quality time with dd.

Does your exh ask for updates when the DC are with you?

Sorry DC not sons! Not enough sleep

My ex is exactly the same op, unless he wants something and then he'll expect a reply back instantly or he'll actually phone me. he never answers when I phone him about the children though.

I think that's just the way it's going to be, I found it easier to keep a scrap book for the things I wanted to share about the dc's (I missed the bed convos about the kids, dc lost a tooth, you'll never guess what dc said/did today etc) then I get to read them back and I see them as my parenting triumphs.
It's your ex that will miss out not you.

I do agree with the no contacting dc's when you aren't with them though, mine found it very upsetting.
it does get easier. Especially if you talk to them about it, and let them know if they really need to speak to you then they can ask daddy to phone you. But if not you'll see them when they get home, reassure them that you'll be missing them but when they are with dad it's your time.

Your use of DH seems to imply that you still feel you have a relationship, and your messaging about things like losing a tooth are the sort of messages you'd exchange with someone you are in a relationship with.

You said it's a recent split, so the above isn't surprising, but generally you'll find this sort of contact tails off as you accept that your own relationship is over.

From what you've said your ex isn't initiating the contact when he doesn't have the kids, and I'd take my cue from that.

chasingsquirrels ISWYM but honestly, 'DH' was more because I couldn't be arsed typing out 'Not so DH' and we're nowhere near divorce so 'STBXH' seemed way off the top too. We're definitely over.

On the other hand, he expects to come back here with the DCs in a couple of days and to stay for I don't know how long, as he doesn't have a place yet, so I think I'm not unreasonable to have expected basic civility. I realise that doesn't mean I'll get it though!

The thing with the tooth was more for DS's benefit, he was so excited so I said, "Shall we send a photo to Daddy?" My parents split up when I was very young and have always been on very good terms, but there were no cellphones back then so constant video/photo contact was neither expected nor possible!

Point taken about many DCs being upset by contact though, mine didn't seem to be except one of them on one occasion, but I'll definitely keep it in mind.

luffly1 sounds like I misread then.
It's difficult because the split is recent and the children are young - so need both of you to manage their interaction with the other parent.
And having to still live together must be hard, I assumed that he was permanently moved out.
I just manage my time with my kids and let my ex manage his own, and now they are older they manage their interaction with the other parent, but that comes as they get older.
I think maybe you just need to pull back a notch, civil and good terms doesn't have to mean you are each other's go-to anymore.
Good luck.

Has he not been living there for a few weeks then? Sorry it's hard to understand without context.

I think when you're living apart maybe agree together what sort of contact you both wish and what's best for the kids,

My ex would only contact me, on his days or mine, with a question or to warn me they were going to be late back.

Otherwise, I don’t hear from him or dcs for their whole time. And if they are on a two week holiday, means the whole two weeks.

It takes a bit of getting used to. Our dcs are a little older.