Am I right to keep in contact with grandma if the child own father makes no effort?

[mcqueen1507]

Me and my ex husband share two children together. We broke up when I was just 6 weeks pregnant. He walked out on us to live on the “greener side” throughout my entire pregnancy he hasn’t helped, provided and only occasionally contacted me to see my eldest.

On all occasions I’ve let him see our son and take him for the weekend. However things have gotten so bad now that my ex refuses to speak to me directly. He’s in a new relationship and refuses to give me any contact number or anything for himself. His parents were no help at all during our break up. They cut me off completely too even though I was pregnant with their grandchild.

I have tried to cut them all out but I see the happiness on my child’s face and I tell myself “this is all for you” bcus it kills me to talk to my ex mother in law, she knew he was cheating on me and welcome the ow into her home and arms whilst holding me whilst I cried over my broken heart at the same time. Despite the EVIL WOMAN she is she has always been a good grandma. That relationship with my children is different to mines and hers. She will do anything for my kids and I know and can see her love for them.

I’ve tried telling them all over and over again as me and him are no longer together she is no one to me therefore the only person I will be talking to about my children is the father of the kids. He has never willingly made an effort to see the newborn, never gone out his way to check or call up and see if they’re okay. He’s made his new girlfriend no.1 on list of priorities.

I feel like if I cut my child’s grandma off I’ll be punishing my son. Having his dad not around has been a lot for him to deal with already. He doesn’t see his dad at all but talks about him every single day &bit breaks my heart so much. His parents never once helped me during my pregnancy infact they blocked me and cut me off like I was nothing. I was disowned by my family to marry their son and sacrificed so much even when he had nothing to offer me i stuck by his side. I never ever got a sorry from him or from them.

What do I do? What is the right thing to do? What is best for my children? If I cut her off I know my child will understand when they’re older but what about now?

I cut my own mother off. Not easy but they did understand when they were older. They used to call her nutty nana, when she had been particularly bad. I feel for her as a grandma if she loves your child, but she gave up her rights by being so awful to you and blindly defending her son.

It would break my heart to lose my grandchildren due to a break up, but I would hopefully handle it better than your MIL did.

Your ex sound like a right sh*t who I would not waste any more time over and his mother a witch but you have said 'she has always been a good grandma' and 'she will do anything for my kids'. If you have a large supportive family of your own fair enough but you say you sacrificed them for ex. The more people that love and would do anything for your kids the better as it is a huge safety net. No one knows what may happen in the future, what if you had to go into hospital, who would look after your children? You may hate her with every good reason, and she may hate you, but she clearly loves your children and I expect they love her too. I would allow her contact with your children, her grandchildren, on the strict understanding she never badmouths you in front of them, ever, she does not introduce them to new girlfriend until such time you wish it to happen and that she is civil to you. You both love your children and one day you may need her help with them. Even if in time you go on to meet someone new I would still allow her access as nice for children to have some wider family around.

The new girlfriend has already been introduced to my children without my knowledge! It happened on the first time he took my son for the weekend and when I tried to have a convo with him this is how it went

“Don’t u think u should have spoken to me first? Maybe it would have taken time to get used to but I would have respected u more if u spoke to me first? This is the girl u cheated on me with!”

Him: “ok r u done now? Have u finished talking?”

When I addressed the grandma she has no answer to give me literally apart from “why do I have to be punished I love my grandchildren. She doesn’t seem to understand that there is NO NEED for this girl to be around my kids! She may be his girlfriend today but things might change tomorrow! Like his mind! I was hisnwife for 7 years and he woke up one day and didn’t want me anymore LITERALLY how it ended!

I’ve been nothing but nice loving and patient and I just feel like I’m constantly being taken for a mug. I do it and put up with it for my sons sake bcus he loves his grandma so much! My family are back in my life by the way! When I got divorced they opened up heir arms and home to me and my son!!

Reading this breaks my heart. It sounds like your ex learnt his morals from his mother and clearly does no wrong in her eyes (probably the reason he thinks his behaviour is ok). Although I don't blame you for wanting to cut contact with her I do think it sounds as though it's in your children's best interest to have her in their lives. There will come a time (when they are old enough) when you can sit down and explain to them the reasons you don't speak to their gran and they can can make up their own minds as to whether they want to see her. The last thing you want is her twisting it around and making herself the victim and you the bad guy.