Defiant behaviour?

[bumblebee39]

DD 5 is struggling with not having her dad around anymore (domestic violence/abuse he is not allowed to see my kids). My question is, how do I deal with her resistant/defiant behaviour? She refuses to get ready, leave the house, clean her room, eat her dinner, etc. He was the disciplinarian and also the "fun one" and I know she's struggling but I am also finding it increasingly difficult to know how to treat this behaviour. I am trying to be flexible and understanding, give her space to talk and plenty of cuddles, and also set boundaries and stick to them. What else can I do?
Have you been through this when you separated? Tia X

??

Have you considered counselling for her or talking to her school? Might be that she’s struggling with the change and may open up to someone impartial

At 5 . Reward charts, make getting dressed fun , we have done races to get dressed first . World record races and tick charts for each task done .

Food . Don’t get into a battle . Ok. Eat at same time . No attention away from table . If she doesn’t eat warm her then bin . Move on.
Lots of praise for anything she does well, following instructions.

Also worth setting aside some time to spend with her 15 minutes a day child led play give her some control.

Read to her at bedtime again she chooses the book. Give her control at appropriate places and none when you are in charge.

I will find out about play therapy and speak to the school.

It seems to be escalating and I'm finding it harder to manage don't want to take nice things away social arrangements etc. But not sure what else I can do? X

I've been told by SS it's not something they would help with and I would have to go private.

I swear they will never help with anything. I know there budgets thin but...

I will speak to the school and keep reading what I can and trying to find a happier median between punishments and rewards...

I am letting her make more choices which seems to be helping (what clothes to wear, what film go watch, what shoes/watch/hair style, which cuddly to take to bed, whether to do maths or English practice, what to have for dinner (within reason) etc.)

Today has been a better day (marginally!)

Women’s aid did some counselling for my Ds.

One thing about choices don’t give too many. Do you want burger or nuggets for tea eg. Rather than what do you want for tea. If I ask my Ds that he will always reply he wants Chinese.

*starlight365
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That's exactly it, peanut butter or jam on toast, beans or spaghetti hoops, peas or sweetcorn that kind of thing, or which of two Alice Bands/ bows/ hair clips, which of two pairs of trainers etc. Not free reign, but a feeling of choice.

I will speak to women's aid. They will probably know who to signpost me too even if they can't do anything themselves X

Perfect . Because there could also be an element she is used to you been treated badly and so there is a point it is my way. It’s such a hard line to walk.

Google PDA strategies, things like a small choice, e.g. red socks or blue socks? can help.