Court soon

[SiempreDot]

I've posted on this a few times about the fact my ex has filed for court.

Ex is a narcissist and threatened court for a long time. To avoid it, I've spent about six months offering compromises to try and bridge our position, and bring mine closer to his so court and associated costs are all avoided.

He's spent 6 months dismissing my proposals out of hand, saying no, impractical, he doesn't want it, not fair etc etc.

Seven days before court date, his solicitor gets in touch with new proposals, alt of what I suggested for a long time which was dismissed. Also other things added I don't agree with.

I know it doesn't really matter greatly, but does anyone have any insight into why someone would do this tactically or what his solicitor might have said to do this so close to court? Hes been so resolute he won't compromise and filed for court to prove that, I just can't understand the sudden change. Perhaps he's scared he won't get what he wants at court? Or cost? I can't see why his solicitor would advise they're being reasonable so don't compromise and then suddenly say they should?

Any thoughts?

I could pretty much have written this myself (although gearing up for court in Jan). Suddenly STBXH is being mildly "reasonable" whereas he has been a complete donkey for well over a year. His solicitor has on the other hand (obviously advised) just written to say his client was forced to take me to court (which I was adamant we wouldn't do because of the associated costs) because of the way I've conducted myself over the past few months (erm, by handing over all the paperwork on time, getting a job, looking after the children on very little money, suggesting mediation, suggesting round table meetings etc etc) and that only a District Judge will be able to sort out our differences.

I'm not having any of it. I'm looking forward to providing the court with the facts. Those cold, hard, clear facts, written in black and white. Dates. Timelines. Schedule of issues. Financials. His constant refusal to produce information - it's as if he enjoys playing the Pantomime Villain. You can't argue with him because he's been lying for over a decade and seemingly believes his own lies. I'll leave my legal representatives to do the talking.

Chin up, you'll come out the other side - have faith.

You don't say what the court is for - children, finance?
If your ex really is a narcissist he won't like courts much.
They are pathological liars and as such they don't like courts as if caught lying they can end up in trouble.
On the other hand they love threatening, particularly when it works and you jump in offering concessions on top of concessions which they reject, letting you squirm and offer even more.
I took my narc to court when he refused to agree to an informal (out of court) child care arrangement - he used to change a lot and always asked for more contact. When I took him to court he threatened to take the children away from me, to go for full custody, he made allegations to Cafcass and so on - I fell to pieces a thousand times but I kept on going.
Guess what - in court he asked for nothing, he agreed my proposals which were not as generous as some of the compromises I had offered him prior (and got rejected).
Stick to your guns, if you are reasonable and have a good argument for your proposals let him take you to court. When you make your demands in court ask for more than you want to get (but stay reasonable) so you can make compromises in court and you'll see you have a good chance of success.

Thank you both for this advice. It's really helpful.

It's for a child arrangements order. This has been a long time coming I think. What really worries me is that ex is so calculated he's spent months and months, long before he even applied to court, creating a paper trail of evidence that isn't really grounded in reality but he has it. For instance, I emailed to ask him to reinstate the money he had contributed to DS nursery which he decided to cut without notice. He responded saying with no reference to money, instead voicing his concern about how DS seems distressed to be returned to my care. It's complete bullshit obviously but now with hindsight all these little tactics makes sense.

Hi Somuchbetter,

I guess you've been through all of this from your reply. I wondered whether you had any advice about the FDRHA and what to expect?

I've been told I have to be in the same room as ex which is terrifying enough but that I'll be required to give evidence if an agreement can't be reached.

My Cafcass interview went abysmally and I forgot all the major points I wanted to raise. I'm really concerned now.

sorry to sound daft but what is FDRHA?
Don't worry to much about the Cafcass interview - they will be in court and don't necessarily have a go at you.
Focus on what is best for your child and take it one step at the time. The first court session is not where things are decided, they will put pressure for you to reach an agreement so make sure you have your child care proposals well worked out (do ask for more so you have room to make compromises) including reasoning behind your choices.
If you know what your ex is asking for than make notes why you disagree and how it will affect your child. But do go there with the intent of reaching an agreement with your ex, the courts don't like making a decision for you so the first session is a bit like mediation, so make sure you are and appear to be willing to get an agreement with your ex.
Have everything in writing / notes because in court you can easily lose your trail of thought or composure and you want to keep to the point.
Don't ever interrupt a judge, and have a read about how to behave in a court.
The first session doesn't go much further than that, so focus on getting this part done, a final outcome will be months away so don't take your worries with you in court. Stay calm, composed and focus on your child and what you can do for them.