No Daddy but curious!

[claire2510]

Has anyone got any advice!! My son was born in March 2003 and his father didnt want me or him. A few months ago my son became curious and started to ask questions about Daddy! I gave him the truth appropriate for his age! Now though his father has got in touch and after 4 and a bit years he wants contact and to be a father. I just dont know what to do for the best. I dont want my son to ever hate me in years to come for getting in the way but at the same time it scares me that his father could let him down! Does anyone know what i am best to do? Any help greatfully recived...many thanks claire!!!

[EllieK]

I can't help as ds1's dad is excellent buut Pesha had this very recently with her dd, I'll send her your way

[Pesha]

I'm here

I cannot really say what i think you should do as it all depends on how reliable your ex is, what he's like and how your little boy is but i will tell you my story.

I split up with dd's father when she was 9months old, he left then came back when she was 2, left again when she was 3. When she was 5 I had to contact him about something and he said he would like to se her again but I said no cos i just couldnt trust him not to abandon her again. In the time he was gone he made absolutely no contact, no birthday cards or aything.
Then a few months ago he turned up on my doorstep, determined to see her again. She is now 6 and a half. He had now married his girlfriend (who is very nice which helps) and had a baby girl. My immediate reaction was to say no way again but I spent a couple hours talking to him and his dw. He was very determined to see dd and seemed to have grown up, a bit! He did also mention he would consider going to court for access.

I agonised over what to do but decided I would allow him to see her. I am terrified he will again get bored and abandon her when now she is old enough to really feel the rejection and heart break. BUT he is her father and if she can grow up seeing him on a regular basis, regardless how i feel about him, this has got to be better for her than growing up never knowing him and wondering why not. And I just know if she got in contact with him as a teenager/young adult he would blame me and say i refused him access, whether she believed it or not it would still be very painful for her i think. So i decided the risk of him hurting her by leaving was worth taking (now I feel the chance of that is not too high) compared to the damage it could do to her growing up wondering why he wasnt around. If I felt there was a higher risk of him buggering off again i think i would have said no, well i know i would! But I am doing everything i can to make sure it is done on my terms in the easiest, gentlest way possible. Also I feel if i say yes then I can do it my way and impose my terms on it, if i said no and he took me to court it would be imposed on us by someone who knows nothing of my daughter and what is right for her.

It is possibly the hardest decision i have ever had to make though, to let this man who has abandoned my baby girl twice already just waltz in and take her away for the weekend And it has really affected her, she has become very clingy and emotional and cries often when i leave her. But he is her father and I think I owe it to her to allow her the opportunity to have a good relationship with him.

Sorry to have waffled on so much, its has all happened very recently and i'm still in turmoil about it all!

[claire2510]

Thank you pesha for your story! My ex...wel....he is a good guy just very weak and cant orr ather couldnt face up to his responsibilities. I think as you say i owe it to my son to let the relationship possibly start. The fear of Jack being hurt terrifies me but maybe i have to go through it and hopefully be proven wrong1 It is hard when i have protected him in our security bubble for so long! As you can see from my pics we are very close and very happy just the 2 of us. His father has too remarried and maybe due to his new life he is ready. A potential meeting has been set up for a week on Sunday. I am already panicing about it!

[Pesha]

It's horrid isn't it, i want her to have nothing to do with him, ever. i want to protect her from him and pretend he never existed. But i know i cant cos its not whats best for her i dont think.

But i hate her going. After first visit she came home saying he had told her when she's older she can choose which house to live at Err NO! But she has a great time and thinks he is great fun and loves her new baby sister as here she only has 2 brothers. As i said it is affecting her but i guess thats normal and will get easier as she adjusts, i hope!

I hope your meeting goes well if it does happen

[j20baby]

hi claire, agree with mildmannered, cos now i know where you live, and now i'm going to tell you off for not coming to any of the meet ups with your ds!

not really got any advice as i am currently pg and baby's dad is not interested in me or baby neither, but i suppose i could be asking the same question in years to come!

hope it works out for you x

[claire2510]

Thanks girls for the comments....how stupid am i never even thought about postcode etc. I have changed it now! Thanks!! So where are the meet ups then?

[j20baby]

we did the mile for maude in East Park a few weeks ago, and we had a night out the other week too

next time we're planning one, i'll try to let you know

[claire2510]

UPDATE: Well the meeting of father and son is going ahead next sunday and i cant sleep eat (except choclate and rubbish) cant function....am i doing the right thing? I know it isnt about me its about my son being given the chance to see the man who is his father!! God im scared...of what i dont know but HELP....im sure it will be ok as long as it is a sunny day and we can meet outside where Jack feels more at ease!!

[chipkid]

you are definitely doing the right thing. I think both you and Pesha have shown amazing strength in putting aside your own feelings and concentrating totally on what is best for your children.
It has to be better for your ds to grow up knowing his father-warts and all. You are right to try hard to make that a reality for him-even though the father has behaved badly towrads the both of you.

I wish you lots of luck and will watch this thread to see how you get on.

[claire2510]

Thanks for your encouraging words they help really they do!!