Christmas plans when separated

[MumOfTwoMiniMes]

Hi,

Looking for the best way to approach what I know is going to be quite a difficult situation.

I separated from the father of my two DD's during the summer last year. It was a messy split and it hasn't been totally amicable since. (Although we do keep this away from the girls eyes and ears).

During the split we made a number of verbal arrangements, shared custody, childcare/school fee split etc.

Ex-partner has kept to very few of these arrangements. Refusing to contribute to nursery or school fees, reducing his time with them by 50%. Offers no support on the hard work that comes with raising children (doctors, school and school applications, wrap around care, homework, you know the list ).

Whilst I know I am not perfect I have kept my end of the bargain, never stopped him or his family from seeing the girls. One verbal arrangement made last year was that we would alternate Christmas days. It's something his step brother and sister do, whilst when my parents divorced my brother and I would always spend Christmas Day with mum and Boxing Day with dad.

You've probably guessed it but I absolutely want the girls to be with me on Christmas Day this year - they have never been away from me at Christmas. I know there is a selfish element here, however I do ALL of the hard work, and work full time, and he basically acts like a babysitter.
I made the agreement when I was under the impression he was going to be much more involved and hands on in their lives, rather than an bi-weekend dad.

Now I feel like I want to give them a Christmas Day that has consistency and stability (ie with me) and loath the idea that he can be a lazy dad all year and get to spend Christmas Day with them. When I've worked myself to exhaustion 😔.

I don't know how popular this will be, but looking for thoughts on how to approach it.

Thanks!

My ex did much the same. He does 40 nights a year, expects all the work to be done for him and expects to collect a clean, freshly ironed child for visits.

So Ds spends Christmas Eve & Christmas Day with me, ex collects him Boxing Day morning. And returns him morning of the 31st so he can party all night without responsibility.

He tried to claim ds one year for Xmas day so I gave him a list of all the presents that would need buying & wrapping, the home made Yule log ds likes, his preference for xmas lunch .......

Ex hasn’t asked again.

My OH has 2 kids. They spend alternative Christmas (Christmas Day & Boxing Day) and NYE between parents.

If it went to court you would likely get alternate.

What do the kids want? It’s not about what you or their dad want, it’s what’s best for them.

My ex lives locally, about twenty minutes away. We do one person has them Christmas Eve until after lunch Christmas day, then the other person Christmas day afternoon and boxing day. Usually a few days more depending how weekends fall (my ex absolutely won't divide his weekend to make the holiday easier). This year they're with their dad until the 2nd. Whoever has them the weekend before Christmas keeps them until lunchtime Christmas day.

Ex left 15 months ago and due to nature of his work regularly missed xmases being away, so i'm used to it being just the 3 of us sometimes. He was away last year at Xmas time so they were with me. This year he wants them for 2 weeks which I've agreed to from Xmas Eve. Seems a long time in hindsight but he would just make things difficult if I tried to rearrange (split is very acrimonious).I will have my Xmas with them before they go on Xmas eve bt just wondering if I should bother with tree etc? DDs are 15 and 12. it will just be me for 2 weeks after that so I don't want to go and buy an Xmas tree (moved back to UK from abroad this year, tree did not come in removal van lol) for me to stare at on my todd for 2 weeks....

Tbh I do agree with you my Ds x the year we were together with Ds . Left Christmas Day to score drugs . I would never of let him have Christmas but he gave up bothering to see him.

Courts on the other hand would give alternate years

I agree with you OP.

It isn’t about you. It’s not a reward for your hard work. It’s about the children getting to spend time with both parents on Christmas Day.

How old are your children? Are they of an age where their wishes should be considered?
We alternated till properly till DD was 10 then at 10 she just had the day with ExH 11.30 to 5pm. At 12 she decided to only see him on her terms which does not include Christmas.

@scotgal2017 I suspect your DC would like a tree before Christmas ( my DD at 14 is more excited about decorating the tree now than she was as a smaller child) and for it to be there on their Christmas with you. You can pack it away after they leave if you like, but on the christmases I was alone it great me great pleasure looking at the tree DD had helped me decorate.

I see a lot of this "it isn't about you it's about the children blah blah' and in a good co-parenting relationship that's probably true. But where one parent is frankly shit and the other is doing all the hard graft then it bloody should be a reward otherwise we are just flaming martyrs sacrificing ourselves. I don't think it harms the child to spend Christmas with the parent who loves them the most either for that matter.