Help!

[meohme]

My ex has decided he wants to be part of my sons life and recently met him for the first time (my son is 9 months old).

I spent my pregnancy coming to terms with the fact that I would be a single parent which was hard at first but once I got used to the idea I actually liked that the thought of making all of the fun decisions myself (name, nursery colour etc). I basically spent my pregnancy making the best out of a really difficult situation. My ex didn't contact me at all throughout my whole pregnancy and ignored me when I told him our baby had been born. He also didn't and still hasn't contributed financially. He then waited a further 9 months to contact me about seeing our son.

It has now been around 3 weeks and he has stuck to his word (I know it hasn't been long) and has had weekly visits plus a couple of last minute extra visits in between.

This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous because even reading it as I'm writing it I don't know what I (or anyone could possibly see in a man who ignores his own child) but I am finding the visits really hard for so many reasons. My child has been mine and mine only not just for the 9 months he has been in the world but also the 9 months I carried him. So it's hard to share him but that's something I know I have to accept and would never bad mouth his father or make it difficult for my ex to see him. I am also finding it hard as all the feelings I ever had for my ex (even stronger than I remember) have come flooding back as I watch him holding our son. I don't know if these are true feelings or whether it's normal to feel like this because we have a child together.

I am feeling more stressed and anxious than I ever did when he refused to acknowledge the fact that I was even pregnant and it's really starting to affect my mood.

Sorry for the long rant!!

Please consider some counseling. I think it's normal you feel this way and by the sound of it your feelings have been really hurt. You formed a bond with your child and now this bond is threatened by the very person who hurt and betrayed you. BUT, it is still best you give your child a chance to have two parents. If he really wants to be a parent to your child and he really is a decent parent you should consider this:
there's nothing you can do to stop it (the law is protecting the children's rights to have both parents in their life)
sooner or later you / your child will need support or help and having another parent you can trust is a blessing
believe me when I say children who have a missing or not involved parent do suffer a lot. sooner or later they start asking who the other parent is and why they are not there for them
Best of luck

Your ds is 9 months old. It’s time to encourage your ex to take him out, to visit his mum or out to the park etc rather than have him sitting in your home, causing you stress.

You should see those times as your time, coffee with a friend time or to go to the gym or do a class, not playing host & be making him cups of tea while he plays with your ds.
You need to clearly separate the two.

@Seniorschoolmum my ds does not know his dad well enough yet to be going out with him on his own. Once he gets to know him a little better I'm more than happy for them to go out alone but now I feel that it's best I am there as my ex has never looked after a baby and hasn't even changed my DS nappy, fed him or settled him when he has been upset.

Could you ask your mum or sister to be at your house, while you ex sees ds? That way. you could go out for an hour, avoid face to face contact, but still feel happy knowing ds is with someone trusted and competent.

OP - sending a hug your way. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. You’ve done amazingly to bring up your child single-handedly. You mention your ex hasn’t contributed to date, have you thought about contacting the CMS (maintenance would be calculated from the day your baby was born and he would need to pay the back pay as well as payments going forward). I know that isn’t your primary concern but you should certainly look into this even if you put the money in an account for your LO.

As for how you deal with this emotionally maybe having a third party would help? Has your ex intimated he would like reconciliation? Would you like to reconcile? I can imagine seeing your ex with your baby after all of this time is horrific and must pull at your heart strings.

I’m in a similar situation, my ex left me a few times during my pregnancy, he wasn’t here when the baby was born and he hasn’t met her (she’s only 3 weeks old). I’ve been pretty angry about this and worry that he will want to come back at some point when his other relationship breaks down (which it will, it always does!) and he will make the baby an excuse to come back as he’s already professed he loves the baby etc. I’m not sure how I’d cope if he is that if I’m honest.

I agree with the applying for maintenance. Don't pussyfoot around him. He left you pregnant and then waited nine months to contact you about seeing your child. Use the Anger you undoubtedly have to put the right things in place for your child.

The only thing I will disagree with (and this comes from experience) is the not allowing him to take your mutual child out. He is just a baby and the relationship needs to be established and not confused with your relationship with him. How well do you want him to know him? My ex is in the army and the visits were sporadic but actually he needed to build up (from an hour) and do things by himself without being in my home. It's healthy for him to have separation.

@Didsomeonesaybunny I don't really want to go down the CMS route just yet. He has bought my son a few little things here and there over the last couple of weeks but nothing he actually needs (food, nappies etc). I'd rather give him a chance to work out that buying him a teddy bear isn't quite enough..

Although we are on good (ish) terms and when we are together we just chat like we always did, I don't think he would want any more than that. I would though (which is the hardest part). I am also worried about how I am going to feel when he does eventually meet someone. How do you cope with that?

When it comes to having my DS alone, this is something he doesn't seem to want to do either. I think it makes it easier for him when I am there.

Your situation sounds very similar x

OP - hopefully he will start providing but know that the CMS is there to help you obtain the maintenance you are legally entitled to receive. Ex and I are in discussions over this at the moment and it is very difficult. It’s hard when you still love them isn’t it? My ex is annoyed that he is having to pay maintenance (we planned the baby mind!). I’m trying to be amicable but it is a struggle as I feel almost duped by him. He begged for reconciliation during the summer and I managed to withstand him for weeks before I gave in.

It’s good you guys are being amicable and I’m sorry to hear he doesn’t really want reconciliation, however, he sounds like a bit of an asshole like my ex so perhaps it’s better we are apart from them. I think it would be extremely difficult if we let them back in romantically only for them to leave again, I’m not sure I could cope with that because they’d be leaving not just us but their babies.

I don’t think it’s fair that you have to be there, it only makes it harder for you and you had to adapt to having a baby alone so he needs to start learning quickly as you cant always be there to hold his hand.

As for the meeting of someone else my ex left me for someone else, it didn’t work out with the OW which is when he came back to me June - August (karma), then he left and met someone online. He’s met her children etc.and it has all been quite serious and full on. He’s been seeing the OW at the same time. It’s amusing to watch. He is tiring of her though hence why he’d want to come back to me. It’s certainly not easy knowing he’s off gallivanting with someone else but, my little girl makes everything ok. When your ex does find someone else it will hurt but the pain dissipates.

I think you still see him as a much nicer man than he is.

He buys the token things what about electric, all the clothes , furniture, nappies etc .

He should be offering money, he is not an aunt visiting.

I would leave the room when he is there. Get a shower , do some cleaning . Don’t sit playing happy families then if he needs help he has to ask . It also helps your feelings .

I can completely understand how you feel

@Starlight345 I agree, I think I probably am just seeing the good in him and I'm clinging onto the hope that he will suddenly becomes a great guy and want to be a family. Which is probably why I'm making it so easy for him to see my DS and for it to be stress free when he does.

@wannabestressfree it's not that I am refusing to let him see our DS alone, he doesn't want to either. It's easier for him if I am there as I basically do everything and he just holds and plays with him. As soon as my DS needs anything (feeding, changing etc) he hands him to me.

During the times my DS is napping it is just us talking about our day to day lives or watching tv/drinking tea. I didn't realise how hard it would be not to get attached to him in this situation as I completely got over him during my pregnancy.

So what you need to do is teach him how to change a nappy, teach him how to prepare a bottle, make sure he knows about sterilising eating utensils etc and then let them go. Give him a list of things he needs to buy so that he can have baby on his own, pushchair, nappies and what size, clothes and size etc. You need to contact the CM, I prefer the option where you pay the £20 admin fee, they work out how much should be paid and review it annually but ex sets up a standing order. It cuts out the middle man so we don't discuss finances.

The reason you need to do these things is to get him to make a commitment to your child, he needs to know he can't just walk in and out of his life. There were consequences for you when you had the child and there are consequences for him too. He will either make a commitment in which case your child will have a positive relationship with their father or he will walk away. Keep a record of everything you have done to facilitate contact in case you need it in the future.

Then get visits away from your home, have visits in a soft play with a small babies area, you can sit out of the way read a book and have a coffee. Or maybe at a local library. The courts recommend short but frequent visits at that age. Along the lines of 2 hours a few times a week you then make contact longer and reduce the days as the relationships between them develops and your child gets older.

Image your ex as a glorified babysitter, it is very unlikely that anything terrible is going to happen to your baby, maybe a nappy will be put on wrong and he'll come home a bit cranky but that's it. You will get the rest you need.it is hard being a single parent and it's easy to think everything will be better if you get back together but he treated you terribly and you shouldn't forget that.

As for how do you cope when they meet someone else, well I don't talk to ex about anything that isn't to do with DD, we sit together at school events for her and will pass the message on if she's been unwell or not eaten during our time. DD is 9 now, she has a good relationship with her dad, I still make all the decisions about her I haven't lost that.

How did you learn to change a nappy. If he wants to be a dad then that isn’t coo img the baby . He needs to make the bottle as well as feed her ( assuming you are not breast feeding) show him how to prepare her food, give him a bib and not the nicest white clothes.

If he is going to bond it won’t happen chatting to you.

Also with a 9 month old time not holding playing with baby is valuable time for you.

Well no offence but you clearly didn't and the only way you will is by seperation. Of course he doesn't want to do things on his own that will actually require him doing some parenting. You are being used and you know it. You have to put your child first though before both you and your child get used to a family dynamic.

Get tough. Register for cms and stop allowing him to play you. Offer him one/ two afternoons a week and stick to it.

If it sounds like I am being mean/ harsh I am for good reason. Ds2 is now 17 and his father was exactly the same. I got very hurt, he is married with three daughters and Ds and ex dp have next to no relationship.

@Didsomeonesaybunny it's so hard when you still love them. I'm finding myself getting excited about the days he see's my DS just because it means I get to see him (ridiculous, I know). He has no idea I feel like this. He thinks I have no interest in him at all.

You are right, he is an asshole and it sounds like your ex is too.

@me - sorry for the delay I didn’t see your response. Ah I can imagine this is an impossible situation for you, I think I’d probably feel the same if I’m honest. I used to love just being in his company.

I do think getting some distance might help as it must be torturing you seeing him with your baby. I think you’re very strong.

Yes I agree they are both assholes - mine currently threatening me with a parental responsibility court order if I push for maintenance, besting in mind he hasn’t even met her, I think he must be receiving some very ill advised legal advice.

Here to chat if you need someone to talk to OP x

You need to stop this and make more formal arrangements. He is acting like a visiting friend not a parent. Arrange proper access and maintenance.

The visits need to be on a much more formal basis (once a week where ex learns how to have child on his own for an hour)

and he needs to start paying for his child - regularly - using CMS or their deduction figures

You need to stop treating your ex like he is important and start putting your child and yourself first

Once you put the above in place and stop making it easy for your ex, I expect he'll back off

What a horrible situation but during your pregnancy when you resolved to be by yourself you must have decided you were strong enough to go it alone and be everything to your lovely baby. Now, is your first real test of that.
Show some respect to yourself and your child...be the protective lioness here. Yes he can see the baby but these are the terms...it is prearranged, no last minute pop ins when it suits him, arrange around naps so he's not there, you will be in the house or popping to local shops as dad will be in charge for those two hours doing actual real parenting. Child maintenance gets put on a formal footing ASAP. And guess what OP, watch him lose interest and disappear again. And you'll both be better off for it. Do it ASAP as your baby won't be any the worse for it at this age as he won't remember a thing. Be brave and strong

I completely understand where you're coming from OP. I was and am in a similar situation, ex left me whilst I was still in hospital and then refused to speak to me till DD was four months old (she's now 13 months). He hasn't bothered to see her and is quite happy to "parent" (I use this term very very loosely) from a distance. I would absolutely pursue him through CMS, you then have some form of financial contribution from him. I understand that you don't want to rock the boat as I was exactly the same as you. I allowed him to pay less than what DD was owed because I was hoping (in vain I might add) that this would encourage him to come back to me and my DD. Don't let him use you're obvious feelings and hopes for you guys to be a family in order to get out paying or taking on any actual parental duties. I absolutely get and agree that he cannot take your DS out by himself yet as to your DS he is a complete stranger. I would advise meeting somewhere that is on neutral ground (playground, soft play area, cafe) and not your home as this sets up clear boundaries. Once you've done this to a point where YOU feel comfortable leaving him alone with your DS you can then start to leave them alone for varying amounts of time, starting with half an hour, an hour, two hours etc etc as time goes on.

@autumndear you completely understand me! Everything you just said is exactly how and why I'm feeling like this at the moment. I don't want to rock the boat by asking for money or going through CMS but I also know it's in my DS best interest as my maternity pay has now stopped.

I've got a constant knot in my stomach as though I'm waiting for him to let my DS (and me, I suppose) down again and disappear. I'm sure this will probably happen at some point as his moods are so up and down you never know what you are going to get.

Does your ex have any contact with your DS now?

@meohme it is absolutely in your best interest to either come up with a family based arrangement with him or if he is unwilling, go through CMS. In all likelihood he is very much aware of the effect he has on you and knows that's why you aren't asking him to pay. Do not give him that power, get the money you and your DS are rightly owed! It's been very much up and down with my ex, he was interested (from afar I might add) till DD was about 6 months as he then disappeared again (later found out this was because he had a new gf). He conveniently decided he was interested again about three months ago, when he found out I had a new partner. He hasn't seen DD since she was two days old and hasn't bothered with her since, even after I've given him multiple opportunities to see her (and have been let down last minute every single time). He gets updates on her monthly but apart from that he's not involved.

@meohmy I know exactly what you are going through...I'm 9 years further into the journey than you though.
I ended up going throughout contact centres and court and it caused a lot of stress my advise to you is simply what I would do no way if I had to go down the route again.

Now*