Child maintenance

[meohme]

Just need a bit of advice really..

Me and my ex broke up while I was pregnant and had no contact at all during my pregnancy other then the odd message from him reminding me he doesn't want anything to do with me or our son once he is born. To cut a long story short I just got on with life and accepted that he wouldn't be around (it was hard to begin with but after a while I just got used to the idea).

My son just turned 9 months old and my ex has decided he does want contact and so far has stuck to his weekly visits. During the last visit he spent most of his time on his phone texting his ex, hardly paid any attention to my son and didn't really speak to me much either.

Although he has stuck to his weekly visits so far there has been no mention of him giving me any money or helping out financially in any way. I just want some advice on how I should bring the subject up without it causing an argument or pushing him away as I do want my son to know his father.

Do you know how much he makes? Easiest way is to input the figure into the CMA calculator and tell him that's what he has to pay.

If you don't know tell him he has to tell you or you'll go to CMA and they will take it out of his pay.

I think you have to accept that any conversation regarding maintenance could possibly cause an argument. Just tell him that you need to discuss maintenance payments and then see what he says. At the end of the day he has a duty to provide towards his son, if he gets argumentative just calmly say ok, i will start the ball rolling with the cms, you dont need to argue back and shouldnt have too. As for your son, its up to his father to build a relationship with him, never hold back visitation unless you deem your son to be at risk, but you also shouldnt be pushing for him to be involved, hes a grown up and can sort that himself!

Good advice from Phillipa12

I dont know why you care if he speaks to you? as for texting thats neither here nor there. I would have went to CMS well before 9 months so just bring it up or go to them direct

@GreenLantern53 that's the other thing, I don't know why I care either. I spent the whole of my pregnancy alone and came to terms with the fact that he wouldn't be around. Not only has he ignored me (which I can handle) he chose to ignore the fact that our son was even born yet I'm finding myself checking my phone, waiting for his calls/messages and finding the time we are spending together for the sake of our son hard because I feel like I am falling for him all over again. I feel more anxious than ever as I only want what's best for my child but at the same time I'm finding the whole thing really difficult.

It sounds silly (and selfish) but it was easier when I thought he'd never be involved. I'd obviously never make it difficult for him to see his son, however I can't help but feel this way.

Maybe you could go out whilst he sees his son? that might help as i can imagine it would be tough spending time with him.

@GreenLantern53 I don't feel comfortable leaving him alone with him yet. He doesn't know him and has never looked after a baby before. My son is also not completely comfortable around him yet (I know that will come in time though).

yeh thats understandable. dont be afraid to mention th maintenance though, your son is entitled to it.

Tell him you need to sort out a financial arrangement for your son. You will need to see wage slips and an annual p60 and work out from a cms .caculator. Cms is the minimum, a decent parent would want to ensure that his child does not want for the essentials and most contribute extra for school uniforms, clubs and childcare. If he refuses to engage with you contact cms and let them deal with him. The sooner you do this the better for you and your baby.
Lcul