Ex turning 13 year old son against me 😢

[LieInsAreExtinct]

Ex DH is a recovering (?) alcoholic. We have been separated for 7 years and divorced for 2. I have a 'remote' new relationship of 4 years. Ex lives in his mum's old house 80 country miles away. DS has been regularly staying with him roughly every other weekend for the last couple of years, plus some time in school holidays, but ex rarely comes up here, only if one of the DC is in a show or something.
It's his choice to live so far away, although he was caring for his mum before she died last year, he could now move closer.
He feels that he should be able to stay here in the house which is now mine, in order to see the DC (dd is now 18 and rarely sees him). I have said absolutely no way, I would not be comfortable with that at all. I recently had a weekend away and asked him to stay in a hotel (first time in 3 years) nearby, as it involved a school morning and some weekend activity so DS could not go to him. I started the ball rolling on this months ago, argued back and forth, he reluctantly agreed, and it went ahead.
I have come back to a brainwashed son who is parroting his dad's whole bitter and twisted outlook on the marriage breakdown, my boyfriend, my selfish decision to go on holiday, how Dad should be able to stay here and I could go elsewhere every other weekend, how I should have left more food and money for the weekend, even though their other parent was in charge, how Dad is forced to waste his money on a hotel (once in 3 years), etc etc...my ex chooses not to work, complains to me that he is short of money but tells the DC he doesn't need to work (he has property rented out) I work full-time in a stressful job, and have to plan ahead for any time to myself or with my partner. Ex does nothing most of the time, and chooses to see DC one at a time because he finds the sibling friction unpleasant...
Two things: It is quite normal, isn't it, to not want your ex staying in your house? I am not unusual in that, am I?
And...how the hell do I start to turn this situation around, where my son is so against me? It's absolutely awful at the moment.

Your house is your house and you’re absolutely right that he has no right to be there or stay there.

I’m confused as to why you needed him there to do the school run over your break if DS was fine staying home without you. This was presumably because DD was also home so why did DS need help getting to school?

It would have been easier to cancel DS activity if you couldn’t take him if he couldn’t get a lift from someone else to avoid involving ex.

Not a clue on how to deal with DS behaviour now, I’m sure others will have tips.

Wasn't an activity that could be cancelled... involved other family members also coming to see him in a show (3 performances while I was away, 1 before which I went to with my OH) That was originally meant to be in the summer but ended up clashing with my break.
I felt that being the child he is, he would be unlikely to get himself to school on Monday morning without an adult around. He is not very good at organising himself!

Don't rely on your EX, especially to free up time to see your partner.

I'd cut him out of the equation then he can't make snide comments. The less he knows about your business the better.

The idea that 7 years after separation he should have access to YOUR home is ridiculous.

I would do 2 things if I were you.

1. Plan on running your life so that you never need to rely on ex coming up to your home town to "help" with your son. Just suck it up for the next couple of years because this is the reward you will get for it.

1. Sit your ds down - maybe bring him out for lunch or coffee and tell him you need to have a very serious talk with him because he is now old enough to understand something about adult relationships. I would be very clear to him that you respect his father as his father but he is not according you the same respect. tell him in broad terms the reasons for the breakup (including alcoholism if relevant), that you have the right to be in another relationship and that your ex has absolutely no right whatsoever to be in your home. Tell him you won't tolerate your son judging you and repeating his father's point of view. You are his mother and you love him very much, work hard for him and do your best and you expect his respect and love. I would be very very clear with my son just what I am entitled to in my life - no need for him to grow up into another man who thinks a woman lives to revolve around him. nip this in the bud right now.

Thank you pallisers I have tried to talk to him but it always ends in shouting and recrimination. I am thinking about writing it all in a letter. You are absolutely right about what needs to be said. The fear is he would show it all or repeat it to his dad. He (ex) has no true memories of the bad days of his drinking or the slow painful breakdown of the marriage, so he just spouts his view of the hard done by partner,and I don't know why my son will be more inclined to believe or respect my view of events. I did try to protect DS from the painful truth when he was little, now I think he's old enough to be told more.

Housework I am afraid I do rely on that time he spends with his dad, or I might as well not have a partner. I already only see him 2 or 3 times a month. I rarely want exdh around these parts, but my son wants him to come here more as he is fed up with the travel and the fairly boring time he spends there. I am now being put in the position where I either force my son to travel to see his dad, or he sees him less, because I won't let him stay here. I think exdh ought to be happy to spend some of his money on a hotel every now and then so DS can do other weekend stuff near home. But they are now both turning it into an issue.

I wouldn't write it down, OP. Like you say - it will be handed to your ex.

I would try to preface it with him by saying you understand he loves his dad and identifies with him and you are glad he has such a nice relationship. And he must also accept that he and his dad maintain 2 separate homes and your home is not his dad's and it is his dad's responsibility to have his own home - not invite himself into yours no matter how convenient it might be to him.

Is there any other decent male figure he likes (not your partner) like an uncle or older cousin who could talk to him?

Don't sacrifice your own home, or indeed your relationship with your son to appease your ex's unreasonable demands. Your son will take a message from that about women.

There's no way ex is staying here, no worries about that! My brother and his dh might be able to get through to DS. I have thought about asking for their assistance.

Explain to dc that parental alienation is illegal ..

I agree 13 is old enough to hear the facts.

If you end up arguing . Tell him to listen to it all before he jumps in.

Your relationship is a red herring really. You might want a relationship with this man but if your Ds doesn’t want to visit his dad you need to make sure he has someone to care for him.

Maybe encourage Ds to think about how he could enjoy his time at his dads more