My ex and I split when dd was 10 months old, we were never married although he is named on the birth certificate.
He moved out of the country after we split, but we came to an agreement that he would visit every 3rd weekend. It became apparent very quickly that this wasn't working as he was never able to make it.
I sat down with him, explained that we needed a reliable agreement, so dd and I were never in doubt about when he would visit. I asked him how often would be reasonable and manageable for him, he said that every 4th weekend would be fine for him, so this is what we agreed on.
dd is now three and a half and I can think of only a few visits that have been on time.
The visits are so erratic, sometimes he will come after only 2 weeks, sometimes 6 or 7 weeks.
DD is getting old enough for this to affect her now, when she hasn't seen him for a while she asks for him, and worries when an extended period of time has passed.
I have tried explaining to him that it does affect her, and that even the four weeks are probably a lifetime in her eyes!
He says I am exaggerating, and she's too young for a few weeks here and there to make a difference.
This has caused many disputes between us, always resulting in him coming around, promising he will stick to the agreement in future. He never does.
Everything came to a head a few weeks ago, when ex asked me to bring dd to visit him instead, it really wasn't do-able for me, although it is something that we have done in the past.
When I told him I wouldn't or rather couldn't, he got very angry and told me that if I didn't he wouldn't see dd any more.
I got very very annoyed about this as you can imagine! I was livid that he was using our dd as a tool to get his own way.
I told him that if he thought so little of her then so be it. As expected a few days later he got in contact, told me he has changed his mind.
After all that has happened, I now feel that dd and I need some security that he won't mess us around any more, and also that he won't try to use dd in the way he did again.
I told him that I wasn't going to let him see dd unless we had a written agreement about contact arangements, as verbal ones obviously dont work. I also said that if we couldn't come to an agreement, or he broke any agreement then we will have to go to court for one, as I feel we need something in place.
We agreed that we could do it between ourselves instead of going through the stress and hassle brought by solicitors and courts.
So I drew up a very basic agreement, just outlining when he was to visit etc.
I sent it to him for him to look over, asked him to let me know if there was anything he wanted to change, add etc.
He sent me an email saying that he has a solicitor and is sorting it himself.
He won't talk to me now, wont take calls, and hasn't answered an email I sent, asking him what is happening.
I'm really worried now, I don't know what he's trying to do.
I'm also starting to doubt myself, was I really unreasonable asking him to sign the agreement, am I even allowed to do that! Am I going to be seen as really unreasonable and difficult if this goes through the legal process, which it looks like it is doing?
I'm up the wall, and confused. and could really do with some advice.
I really want ex and dd to have a good relationship I though by doing this I was ensuring it would happen and stop all the arguments and heartache.
I just don't know what to think any more!