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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Should I ask my sons father to get involved?

15 replies

Rusmum24 · 08/10/2018 12:55

Hi all.

I have a 9 month old son and split up with his father 3 months into the pregnancy. After we split he refused to help me financially with anything our baby needed and disappeared from then on until I contacted the CMS.

He knew my due date etc and I gave him ample oppurtunity to attend growth scans but the offer was always refused (his excuse being he was hurt and upset from the breakup still) anyway... baby was born and to prevent any further heartache I never contacted him and expected he would grow up and be in touch. Again... no contact arose. When my son was 4 weeks old the CMS contacted him in regards to paying and he refused paternity of our child. I had to authorise a DNA test and admittedly sent a text calling him a twat for the way he acted.

He then contacted a solicitor and sent a letter saying he never denied paternity of the child he just wanted to be 100 per cent sure he was his and told me not to contact him again. The DNA confirmed he was indeed the father in February and after a while he eventually paid child maintenance before they were due to arrest his wages.

Now we more than 7 months on since the dna test and he has made no effort to be involved in this child's life and has actually walked past him in the street along with his family doing the same on separate occasions.

My question to you all is.. Should I again be the adult here and ask what kind of contact if any does he actually want? I finished the relationship and because of this I feel like the bad one constantly!!! Like this is all my fault. I worry my child will blame me for not trying to sort things out with his dad? What should I do? X

OP posts:

Aprilislonggone · 08/10/2018 12:58

In your shoes I would accept he has made it clear more than once he wants no part in his dc's life.
Tough to accept but better than dealing with a flakey /twat ex ime.

SpoonBlender · 08/10/2018 12:59

As long as you finished the relationship for a good reason - like he'd never be a worthwhile father, for example - just let it lie. If he ever grows up then perhaps he'll join in with your DC later.

Original poster

Rusmum24 · 08/10/2018 13:10

You are so right. It is hard to accept I find myself every few months worrying about it especially if I've accidentally passed my ex somewhere. I guess it's better than chasing after someone who isn't interested and would not have my child's best interests at heart. Thank you.

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 08/10/2018 13:14

You are clearly a lovely, caring parent. Your child will learn this as they grow. Don't take the father's shame on your shoulders. It's not your fault and not your failing.

DowntonCrabby · 08/10/2018 13:15

I’d leave him to it. Your child is worth more than having to go chasing it’s father to be involved.

Keep your chin up, you’re doing a fabulous job

NickyNora · 08/10/2018 13:16

By your post, he clearly wants nothing to do with your dc.

I know its difficult but you have to accept it.

flirtygirl · 08/10/2018 13:18

You should not chase after him, when asked by your son you can let him know everything you have sid here. That you tried and that him and his family made it very clear to you.

Just keep an eye out in case maintenance ever stops and get onto the cms ASAP each time.

It's a cruelly better to grow up knowing than to be messed around with Visitation and contact. I think this is more damaging (an uninterested dad not sticking to contact) to a child having been through it for both myself and my daughter (no contact after break up), so I've been both child and adult in this situation and from both sides.

Good luck op.

flirtygirl · 08/10/2018 13:37

That should say it's cruel to be messed around with Visitation and contact and it's better to grow up knowing that there is no contact.

Starlight345 · 08/10/2018 14:44

No need to contact you have already had a solicitors letter telling you not to contact. If you continue to you will be classsed as harassing ( crazy I know)

Sadly no amount of wanting him to step up as a dad will make him.

Focus on those who do want to be involved in your and dc’s life.

GreenLantern53 · 08/10/2018 17:31

im confused, doesnt sound like he is giving you any mixed messages about wanting to be involved? seems pretty clear that he doesnt

sue51 · 08/10/2018 19:35

He sounds awful. How could anyone walk past their own child and ignore him. Could you send him an annual letter giving a brief update on your son's progress and let him know the door is open for a visit (If that's what you want). This would be more to show your child when older that you did all you could to establish a relationship with his father. Do his family know about the baby?

GreenLantern53 · 08/10/2018 20:37

^^ she said his family walk past them aswell so i would assume from that they do know.

Starlight345 · 08/10/2018 21:01

I think the guilt comes from this belief that not only does mum have to look after baby , work and then she has to bend over backwards to encourage dad to get involved . Send updates . If he wants to know then he should ask.

Original poster

Rusmum24 · 09/10/2018 07:02

Thanks Ladies. I've decided I won't reach out and ask anything as Starlight345 pointed out I will probably be accused of harassment even though I have sent him about 3 texts over an 18 month period 😂. In regards to people saying he's made it clear. I know, I guess I just didn't want my child to ever feel unwanted and that his dad doesn't care. Thanks x

OP posts:

OrgyOfBarminess · 09/10/2018 08:02

@Rusmum24

You've done absolutely everything you can. I would concentrate on yourself and enjoy your dc without the arsehole. Just make sure u keep everything messages etc for dc for if they ever question why he didn't want to be involved. No doubt he'll come crawling out he woodwork when they're an adult saying you kept them away 🙄

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