I get that this is weird

[HopeAdoption]

I'm not a parent. In the technical sense. But I completely understand the love a parent feels. Please don't patronise saying I don't know what I'm talking about because I don't have a biological child.

For the past three and a bit years I have been so so fortunate (however due to really sad circumstances) to look after, nurture and love the most incredible little boy imaginable. Biased I know.

This is by no means full time. His wonderful dm has let her ds develop a wonderful relationship with me, and vice versa since the very sad passing of his df (my very very close friend) when ds was 1.

As I say I am not related by blood, or any means other than loyalty. However, and this is not me gloating, just setting up the question, I will go out of my way to see him, spend time with him, make him laugh, and give him that male role model figure every kid deserves.

Normally this involves looking after him when dm's at work (I work full time to but make it fit), weekend clubs, overnights a few times a month to give dm respite. We've been camping in the great outdoors many times, just us men! We've done four long weekend music festivals (he's still only 4 lol). Been on holiday etc etc...

This has been consistent for over three years. And the reason is because I love him. More than anything. Even though he's not blood.

Like I say, really not meaning to gloat, just putting my situation out there out of curiousity for a perspective on the following -

All these apparent fathers, that are so blessed to have their own dc. Of which if they acted like half decent human beings they would be able to have access to, and experience that unconditional love that consistently floors me when I pick 'ds' up. Enjoy countless adventures and have the satisfaction when dc does something new; says a new word; copies one of your traits; develops an interest in your own interest because you've wanted to share it with them...

What in the friggin' fridge are these absent 'sperm donor's' playing at!!??

From a confused and pining TempDF...

Hopefully no triggers. Sorry.

i Would say the one thing I have learnt is to never judge anyone by your own standards. It is pointless

I’m glad you’re happy but I’m not sure what your point is. You twice mention not gloating. Why would you gloat? Your partner has a child, you have a relationship with her child. That’s nice.

I’m a stepmum. I love my step children and look after them well. It doesn’t make me judge bad parents more than I did before. People have complicated lives. Some people make crappy mums and dads. Some of them are trying their best, some aren’t. Sad for the children in either case.

I don’t expect the love most step parents feel isn’t the same as parents feel. I’m pregnant so I’ll find out in a few months.

4 year olds are great and some things get easier and some get harder as children grow older.

I didn't get that this child's mother is his partner. Its the child of his best friend who passes away. His mother has allowed this man to stay in her son's life. This may have been because of the bond he and his friend had. He will be able to teach him things about his father but most importantly show him a male role model he would not have had, and also being supportive for his mother.

I personally think it's a wonderful thing you are doing for the child, for your late friend, and I hope your relationship continues to grow. You and your friend must of had the most special friendship and I'm sure he will be super proud of you.

I totally understand where you are coming from with these dad's that do not care or put the effort in with their children. I have girls and it's heart breaking to see that they love a man who doesn't love them back in the unconditional way he should.

Yeah I've never understood it either. I know some great kids who's fathers have never been part of their lives. What a loss! Seems idiotic to me but I guess some people are like that

They don’t want to pay.

They don’t want the responsibility.

They don’t want to make the 10 million terrifying decisions raising a child takes.

They don’t want to walk floors at 3am, to deal with colic, to deal with night terrors, to cope with chicken chicken pox and clean sick and poo from bed sheets and walks.

They don’t want to say “no” and deal with the tantrums.

They don’t want to deal with homework trauma and bullying and remembering pack lunch and sports kit and their science project.

They don’t want to give up late nights and long lies or to sacrifice their weekends and evenings.

They don’t want the mounds of laundry or the drama of finding a meal they won’t say “yuk” to.

That’s why.

Louw12345

You have got it 100% correct in everything you've said / rightly assumed regarding me, df, dm and ds. And thank you for what you've said.

I don't really know what I expected when I posted that message, but you interpretated it perfectly, thank you!!

HopeAdoption
You are a proud a parent and rightly so. Us mum's get to talk about what we do for our kids and how excited we are with their learning and spending quality time with them. So why can't you? Therefore I do understand your post.

His mum and you have a level of maturity that is probably not seen that much on these sites. And you are both prime examples of 'what is best for the child's well being'. Which is brilliant as he gets the chance to live a life he would not of had with out you.

My partner met me when I was a single mum of three and the youngest was 7 months old. We now have a fourth child together. He loves my children and they love him. And he in no way favours our biological child over mine. He says he sees them as his just as his own is his.

@PinkCalluna

I’m sure that is the case in many but do consider the other side.

Maybe they don’t want to continue to be controlled by their ex for the rest of their child’s lives?

Maybe they don’t want to live in fear of their ex calling the police/social services and lying to try and stop contact again when they have annoyed the ex when they do something like have a new partner.
Maybe they don’t want to live in fear that any time their child gets a bruise, a cut etc that the ex will call social services and stop contact again and have to go through court again to prove that the ex is a manipulative liar?

Maybe because they think it would be better that the child has one parent than is emotionally controlled to hate you by the ex as the other parent and never allowed to love you and will be punished if they do.

Maybe because the constant battles is so all consuming that no other form of life is possible, they move you have to move, they change jobs and therefore days for contact so you have to change jobs, they move so you spend all your time travelling and can never move on and have another partner, have another child etc.

There’s so many reasons and they are not all just that the absent parent is awful.