Bedroom dilemma

[GrumblyinHants]

Hi ladies first time posting here, hope it's not too trivial for advice. Sorry for

Bit of backstory, have dd with EX, she's 3 n a bit now. He's lived in a shared house her whole life and so has only had an overnight once at his parents for family event and once when we both got snowed in earlier this year. I'm ok with this I agree staying at his was unsuitable. He sees her every week and when he has money takes her soft play swimming or farm park otherwise local park or my living room when I go and do things (I know I know - he doesn't live local and I prefer that to dd spending half the visits in the car n then his skanky house iyswim)
Anyway some point in the spring, easter maybe his new gf bought a house and moved him in a few months later. First I'd heard of her. But he's been seeing her over a year.

Still didn't ask for overnights in the summer cause they were apparently refitting everything, DD been round his new pkace a few times but cause the weather was so good dd and ex mostly beengoing on days out down here or swimming as usual.

Now it's not so nice I've agreed dd can have overnights, only 2 so far. Not really thought much of it ex is a bit of a twat but competent enough so far. Just usual missing my baby

Anyway dd let it slip she does not have a bedroom there. Not even a spare room they have her on an air bed in the downstairs study! It's a 3 bed house with an annex flat so I'm livid! I ask ex wth and he said something about the second bedroom being gfs work studio or some crap and the 3rd room he says "it has stuff in it" and is "too small to be a bedroom" his granddad lives in the annex.

I'm livid I really am he can't even give his own child a proper Bedroom!! She's 3 how can a room be too small !? Not sure what stuff in it even means. Or if it's her doing ?

I don't know where I stand here, can I make him give her a proper Bedroom? Can I stop overnights until she has a room? Do I have any right to check the house for safety (started to think the house isnt finished if there are rooms full of stuffbefore she goes there again? I hate the idea of my dd stuck in a dining room on an air bed in her own house!

We are driving dd up there this weekend can I insist on an inspection before handover? Is this allowed. I thought I was ok with this but now I'm cringing at he thought if my dd shoved out of the way in a strange house with strange woman and ex thinking this is fine!!

I would not be happy with a 3 year old left downstairs. There is no excuse not to give her a bedroom for gods sake what is wrong with him? tell him to get off his arse and clear out the room thats too small and ask to see it. He can refuse though so be prepared.

Well tbf he was on air bed in the room with her but I still don't like the idea of her slumming in some random room when they could have made her a bedroom or gf gone on sofa at least. If he says no what can I do then? I want to say let me see or we go home but dd will be upset if we get there n then leave when she's got her backpack all ready

Of course she should have a room but you need to watch how you position it as the way you’ve written your post sounds very controlling.

Can I make him..... no, you can’t ‘make him’ do anything.

Can I stop contact. Contact is for the benefit of the child. Is it in the child’s benefit for you to stop her seeing her dad. If he took you to court - this would look unfavourable.

Do I have the right to check the house? No. Just like he doesn’t have a right to question your home and parenting.

Can I ‘insist’ on an inspection? No. This looks highly controlling.

I think the biggest thing to remember is not everyone will priorities your dd the way you do. It comes as a shock when that’s their dad.

Many children are living in temporary housing sharing a room with dc .

My guess will be 3rd bedroom will become a nursery in the future.

I would ask what long term plans are

I think it is perfectly reasonable to say that she is not staying unless she has a bedroom.

I would ask him to text you pictures of her bedroom and say that you will want to see it in person when you drop her off (that way if he hasn't done it you are less likely into that situation you were worried about when you ask at drop off).

Explain to him that you are very concerned about her being left alone downstairs at night and that an airbed is completely unsuitable (it was even when he stayed on it with her).

Explain that when he has a proper bedroom for her she can stay overnight but until then overnight contact will be stopping. Then it is a matter for him to sort it out. I do not think a Court will be sympathetic if he applied for a children arrangements order but stated he could not afford a proper bed and to make proper arrangements. The Court fee for an order is £215 - with that money he could buy or would go a long way towards buying a suitable bed.

With school on the horizon you need proper arrangements in place and those would involve a bed at weekends when she is with him - sleeping on an airbed is just not good enough.

Good luck op - it's a shame that he can't see how unfair this is. I'm sure she would love a bedroom and children do like the idea of knowing their is a place for them at each parent's house.

*there not their

I don't think the issue is he can't afford a bed althouh he has essentially no money he gets decent hand me down stuff from his sister he specifically says theres no room for one. So he could get a kid bed 2nd hand but its still going to be a case of parking her in a dining/study not real bedroom. I am wondering if it's her not wanting dd over.

I'm pretty sure not-spare bedroom will not be a nursery, he didn't want kids and wants no more so why it's not available I don't know!

Not sure how to approach this w/o coming across as demanding Or nosy

When we have my step kids (10 and 7) overnight, me and my husband sleep on the air bed in the living room so that his kids can sleep in our bed and our other two children (3 and 10) sleep on their beds in their room.

As the adult i would never expect a child to sleep on an air bed downstairs when I was in a proper bed..... having said that our kids beg us to let them sleep on the air bed in the front room as they see it as camping out! The fact he slept with her means she was not unsupervised and had him close at hand if she woke up upset or sick.

I can totally understand that as her mother you feel she should have a proper bed and room at his house but as long as your DD is not unhappy with the situation and her dad is staying on the air bed with her I personally would just leave it as it is.

If you went through court for access etc he would be expected to provide a bedroom before he got overnight contact. When I left the marital home Cafcass came out and checked what sleeping arrangements I had ready. Sounds like him /gf don't want dd sleeping over as a regular thing tbh.

OK this thread made me realise I hadn't put as much thought as i should into whether he would actually take me to court. I don't realky want this to happen as I do want their regular contact, I just thought I could restrict overnigjts until he met my expectations.

I think I'm going to have to just do this weekend as planned. I think getting photos etc is a good way but I can't really expect him to make a bedroom by tomorrow. I can take this opportunity to invite myself in for a cup of tea and have a nosey maybe?

DD has been ok so far, thinks the air bed/sleepover with daddy is great fun but I'm sure the novelty will wear off soon and I will have to explain why she can't have a bedroom

The fact he is an ex means he doesn't meet your expectations op!! As long as dd is happy with the air bed - can't imagine the gf is happy he shares with dd and not her though.

OP I really don't think you need to invite yourself in for a tea and a nosey round tbh if you're invited in that's great but if not then I wouldn't just invite myself in. When I drop my daughter to her dads I have never felt the need to invite myself in to his and his girlfriends house and my daughter doesn't have her own room there either. The sleeping arrangements in their home are up to them and as long as my daughter is happy it's none of my business. If my daughter came to me and told me she was unhappy about something when she goes to his house only then would I say something.

The novelty of the air bed may well wear off for your DD soon but until then, as long as your DD is happy, looked after and safe when she is with her Dad I would just let it go tbh.

Inaminuteplease I see your point. I think I'm just ticked off cause he's moved into yet another place he can't accommodate my child like a normal person! On purpose!!And he always came in my house for contact before but that was up to me although it feels unfair. But that might just be me being petty!

Also stewing indoors waiting for plumber isn't helping I keep thinking now what if the house is a building site, what if they don't want DD there , what if the new gf is awful, how did I not hear About her from anyone all this time ( not in a spying way but from mutual aqcaintences as I used to live in the same town as him!), how do i know so little about his life when i have to send DD off into it etc

OP I totally get your point, he sounds a bit like my DD's dad in that his living situation has never been accommodating for my daughter too no matter where he's lived! He's had a few gf's before this one and I've only ever found out about them once he's already been pretty serious about them, but I just have to remind myself his personal life is none of my business!
I understand your fears as I've had them myself but IMO a part of being separated parents is accepting that, as hard as it is, you don't have a right to know everything about your exes life.

If your daughter comes to you and tells you she's unhappy with something or something is happening that could put her at risk then of course you definitely should intervene. However as long as she is happy and being looked after well when with her Dad I really do think the best thing is to back off and let them get on with it. I've found over the last ten years of co parenting with my daughters dad that sticking to this approach has really saved my sanity and allowed me to focus on improving my own life while also allowing my daughters relationship with her dad to blossom.

Well i will see how it goes with the visit this week. It's Friday afternoon and night this week and I'm delivering her this onetime so I can get a feel for what's going on when I see the place
If the bedroom thing is just a case of being lazy or of not trying to make DD welcome, again lazily or on purpose. I would find this odd cause EX requested the overnights starting despite travel hassles but who knows what goes through his head.

I think you can ask social services to check that his house is safe and childproofed etc and check the sleeping arrangements. but then you might have them asking questions. You could also get a solicitor to write a letter for you stating he must order a skip and clear out the spare room by a certain date and provide a proper bed due to allergies and dust mites and that your mean your daughter cannot sleep on the floor. Not very nice for her, they could have made a proper effort!

So...I saw the house in person today. DD s grandad answered the door n invited me in for a tea before EX got to the door.
Absolutely no worries about it being a building site or a dump! It's gorgeous. It looks like something out of a magazine!! It's got a huge garden with some sort of paddock n greenhouse/summer house looking building attached. Bits I saw inside downstsirs are all full of expensive looking furniture art and trees(!) In massive pots Etc.
DD now has a little bed there but its still in the study. Still no idea why no proper bedroom but didn't want to get cross in front of dd so didn't press ex.
Didn't meet new woman but think I saw her quickly in the garden, she looks REALLY young. Late teens/20s young.
Have zero idea how EX is affording this lifestyle on his apparently tiny income. WTAF!!!

Late teens omg!!

That must be horrible. Glad they have sorted it for her!

I feel so weird about this now. Silly for worrying my dd was staying in a shack full of boxes and crap. But weird about the real situation now. I can't pinpoint exactly why cuase I should be pleased she has a nice house to stay at but I feel almost worse!! I want to know what EX is doing to afford all this stuff after years of living in a scruffy house share only working p/t (allegedly) doing who kniws what and paying no maintainence!!

@GrumblyinHants you said in your original post that his GF is the one who bought the house, so maybe she is the one paying for all this not him.
Regarding maintenance, if you contact the Child Maintenance Service they should be able to find out his income and will work out a payment plan that he will need to stick to.

Yes he said she bought it not they boughtit but I was expecting someone closer to our own ages (27&30) she looked fresh out of 6th form!! Hence the suspicion!

I hoped to avoid CMS as I thought We had a fair arrangement (he spent the money on petrol, trips, birthday pressies for dd instead of giving it to me n not affording the visits) but I may have been being taken for a ride it seems!!

Doubt someone that young would get a mortgage on their own and would obv need the deposit and regular income to access a mortgage. If he isn’t self employed claim csa. It’s through child maintenance options. I only get the very min amount of child support and my ex buys mine nothing not even birthday presents. Depends if you want to keep it friendly or not but paying child support is the law he should be paying something. What you said is a very nice 3/4 bed house I doubt someone very young would get a mortgage for it alone. It’s easy to find out though put the address into the land regristy it will tell you and it only costs £4 I think

She isn't in her late teens you have said she has bought a house so I VERY much doubt that, you say you don't want overnights to be a 'Regular' thing but expect his GF to give up a room for your DD? Your also now saying your thinking of contacting CMS because of his 'nice house' you feel you have been lied to, you want to tread very carefully if you don't want him having regular overnights. Paying CMS leads regular visits! And if she's got a bed id stop worrying if I was you....

Doubt someone late teens early 20’s would get accepted for a mortgage alone for a large 3/4 bed with large garden etc. You need the deposit and excellent credit rating and at least 3 months regular income which I’m guessing would need to be over 40,000 a year. She is obv being lied to. Easy to instantly check with the land regristy anyway and csa is the law so he should be paying it.

Obv he will pay a bit less for having her daughter overnight at least once a year. I think it’s perfectly natural for a mother to worry where her child is sleeping and it does sound odd

Even with a trust fund, a young person would struggle to buy a large house on their own so he prob is lying about the mortgage and how much he works to get out of paying child support which is not very nice of him.

You're 100% being taken for a ride financially OP. If he has travel costs that can be factored in but you shouldn't be getting nothing so he can buy birthday presents. That's ridiculous as he has all year to save up and budget. The same with outings as he's an adult and it's his problem. I have a teenage step son who lives 1.5hours away. We do all the transport when he visits every other weekend and hubby pays £200 a month. We have a young baby, we me on mat leave and he earns about £20k. You make the effort to travel because you want to see you're kids. With The bedrooms, we bought a futon in the conservatory for my step son whilst we had work done but apart from that he has always had his own room. When we talked about having a baby we converted the loft to create an extra bedroom as I wouldn't dream of him not having one. If your ex is sleeping downstairs with her then it all sounds ok if she has a bed but if you ever suspect he's actually upstairs then I would be concerned.